Brad Heinrichs book

Reviews

This gem of a book offers a simple but profound solution to a problem we have wrestled with for many years: how to impart the life and faith of the New Church to our children. Succeeding at that is the greatest gift parents can give their children, and the closest to home and most vital thing we can do to assure the survival and growth of the church in the future.

Bishop Heinrichs’s writing style is delightful: informal, conversational, lively, succinct, direct and to the point. The very opposite of wordy, preachy or abstract. There are memorable pithy comments all through it. Ask your kids what they stand for, he says, and tell them: "if you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything."

The book is a treasure trove of down-to-earth practical tips for instilling virtue and cultivating the spiritual and moral development of the children the Lord has given into our care. The points are driven home by apt and powerful quotes from Scripture and the Writings of the New Church, as well as poignant lessons the author learned from his own mistakes as a sometimes rebellious child and teenager.

Here's a bit of wisdom I especially liked—it's from chapter 7 on “Educate Them About the Ideals of Marriage”—where he points out that we shouldn't let our own past mistakes keep us from teaching the ideal to our children. What helpful advice that is!

I think this book is destined to become a classic of New Church collateral literature that will be of great value for generations to come. Reading it gave me a strong sense of renewed hope for the future of the General Church. I wish my wife and I had had the benefit of it when we were bringing up our own children. I recommend it most enthusiastically to all parents, and especially hope that from now on it will find its way into the hands of every young couple married in the church.

I can’t imagine a better plan for wise and effective parenting, and growing the church, than the one set forth so clearly in this book.

—Rev. Walter E. Orthwein

The Rt. Rev. Bradley Heinrichs has written a timely and useful book for parents raising children in this increasingly challenging world: “As for Me and My House, We Will Serve the Lord.” This firm commitment of Joshua’s has inspired many more than his own followers in their own journeys through our cultural wilderness. Brad draws on his New Church upbringing as a “preacher’s kid,” and his own experience, with his wife, Cathy, raising their family—all in the framework of the Lord’s teachings in the Word and the Writings. His book is highly readable, practical, applicable and inspiring. We all know there are no guarantees in raising children, but we have no better guide than the Lord Himself and the bold pledge of Joshua: “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

—Bruce Henderson, Editor, New Church Life. Author, Window To Eternity

During his many years as a New Church pastor, Rt. Rev. Bradley Heinrichs noticed that some parents had remarkable success in passing on their love of the church to their children, while other parents were less successful. This led him to reflect on the question, What can we do as parents to increase our children’s chances of loving the Lord, reading the Word, and embracing the teachings of the New Church? The result is this brilliant and thoughtful book, based on twenty principles drawn from the Word and illustrated with moving examples from his own upbringing as a boy growing up in the New Church. Some of those principles include such things as remembering the Sabbath Day, educating our children about marriage, and urging self-compulsion. While these principles are well known, you will find that his illustrations are unique, inspiring, and delightful. This book is a rich blessing, filled with heaven-sent guidance about how to raise our children so that they might become the angels of heaven they are intended to be.

—Rev. Ray Silverman, PhD, Professor of Religion and English,

Bryn Athyn College of the New Church. Author, Rise Above It

As for Me and My House, We will Serve the Lord

ISBN 978-0945003-79-3

General Church of the New Jerusalem; https://newchurch.org

Front cover artwork courtesy of Liza Heinrichs. Grandparents, Parents, Children and Grandchildren, All Serving the Lord.

Back cover photograph: Bradley Heinrichs Family

About the Author

Rt. Rev. Bradley D. Heinrichs

Brad was born in Durban, Natal, South Africa, where his father, the Rev. Daniel W. Heinrichs, was pastor of the Westville Society. He moved with his family to Bryn Athyn, then to Lakewood, Ohio; Mitchellville, Maryland; and Miami and Boynton Beach, Florida. This gave him the opportunity to experience many different aspects of life in the New Church, from small circles to larger church groups with schools.

He attended the Washington New Church School grades 4 through 10, graduated from the Academy Boys School and completed one year at Bryn Athyn College, then graduated from the University of Florida in 1989 with a degree in Landscape Architecture, supplemented with a minor in Horticulture. He then spent seven years running a Landscape Design Build and Maintenance company, which he owned with his brother and two other partners.

He felt a calling to pursue becoming a priest and entered the Academy of the New Church Theological School in 1996 and graduated three years later. Upon ordination he was sent to the Carmel New Church in Caryndale, Ontario, Canada, where he and his wife Cathy lived and served for 20 years. In addition to being a Pastor there, he also served as the Principal of the Carmel New Church School, the Executive Vice President of the General Church in Canada, the Regional Pastor of Canada, and the Bishop’s Representative for Cuba.

Brad and Cathy raised their six children, three boys and three girls, mostly in Canada. In 2019, after being called to become an Assistant Bishop of the General Church and the Director of General Church Education, they moved their family to Bryn Athyn, Pennsylvania where the headquarters of the General Church are located. Part of his duties involve extensive travel around the world to various New Church congregations and schools.

Currently, Brad and his wife have three grandchildren and two more on the way! They love to travel throughout the church and have the opportunity to interact with so many cultures. Family vacations, with as many of the children as they can gather together, are something they also treasure. Brad’s personal interests include hiking, canoeing, backpacking and photographing landscapes and wildlife.

Bibliography of Books Referenced

Old Testament Heavenly Doctrine

Genesis Apocalypse Explained

Exodus Apocalypse Revealed

Leviticus Arcana Coelestia

Numbers Brief Exposition

Deuteronomy Conjugial Love

Joshua Coronis

Judges Decalogue

I Kings De Conjugio

II Kings De Verbo

Psalms Divine Love and Wisdom

Isaiah Divine Providence

Jeremiah Divine Wisdom

Ezekiel Doctrine of Charity

Daniel Doctrine of Life

Joel Heaven and Hell

Habakkuk Spiritual Experiences

Zechariah True Christian Religion

New Testament

Matthew

Mark

Luke

John

Revelation

Conversations on Education. William Benade. Academy of the New Church,

Bryn Athyn, Pennsylvania. 1884

Education For Use. Willard D. Pendleton. Academy of the New Church,

Bryn Athyn, Pennsylvania. 1985.

Rise Above It. Ray and Star Silverman. Touchstone Seminars. 2000.

The Carmel New Church in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada

Artwork by Liza Heinrichs

Opening Remarks

In my twenty-year tenure as a Pastor serving the Carmel New Church in Kitchener, Ontario, I had the opportunity to interact with many families throughout Canada. One of the main questions couples raising children would ask me was: “What is the secret to raising children so that they grow up to love the Lord, read the Word, become active members of the New Church, and share similar values so that we all end up feeling part of the same spiritual family?”

This is also a question my wife Cathy and I have spent a considerable amount of time thinking about because we love our children and want to share our faith with them, go to church with them, and hopefully in heaven maybe even live in the same community as them. Our desires are beautifully summed up in this well-known verse of Scripture: “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24:15). These encouraging words were spoken by Joshua near the end of his life to the people he had led for many years when he challenged them about whom they would choose to serve after he passed on. We have these words prominently displayed by our home worship center, and they have been a source of inspiration to my wife, my children, and me during our years as a family.

I know that for my wife and me, we would frequently say to each other that we didn’t care if our kids grew up to be doctors, or lawyers, or garbage collectors, or fast-food cashiers; what we really wanted was for them to grow up and become a part of the New Church and love the truths revealed in the Heavenly Doctrine that have the ability to transform their lives. This got me to begin reflecting on what the key ingredients are to succeed in passing on the values we hold dear to our children.

As I looked around to different families I knew in the church, I noticed some parents had a high success rate of children becoming active in the church, and other parents unfortunately were grieved that none of their children would have anything to do with the church. Naturally, I began to wonder which were the helpful things that parents could do to enhance the prospects of their children becoming invested in the church and what were the detrimental actions that might drive them away.

It should be stressed here that parents might do an exemplary job of raising their children and yet their children still might not choose to have anything to do with the church, religion, or the Lord. Each child will have a free choice to make as an adult. The question then becomes: “What can we do as parents to increase our children’s chances of making a good choice?”

Inevitably, when I begin to seriously look for answers, the Lord’s Word is where I find them, and as I was reading the book of Joshua, I came across some fascinating teachings in the Heavenly Doctrine from the book of Coronis. It says the first state of the church is the appearance of the Lord which is followed by a calling and covenanting. The second state of the church is instruction and then introduction to the church itself (see Coronis 47-52). It goes on to say that the calling and covenanting happened three times – “once to Abram, that he should go forth thence out of his fatherland, and afterwards the promise that his seed should inherit that land. The call was also made through Moses; and again through Joshua” (Coronis 49).

This got me thinking that we need to consciously make the effort to repeatedly call our children to the church, and consistently remind them of the Lord’s covenant that He makes with them. Afterwards, we should provide continuing instruction on the rules and benefits of that covenant, and finally formally introduce them into the life of the church when they reach adulthood.

What follows are twenty principles drawn from the Word that hopefully will help parents see positive things they can do from infancy through adolescence that will increase the chances that their children will freely choose to enter into the life of religion and participation in the church. It is meant to be an informative guide from the doctrines, with simple, practical applications to life.

It has long been a concept in the New Church that our most fruitful field of evangelization is our own children, and yet we probably have room for improvement in successfully achieving this. By practicing the guidelines which follow from the Word, my hope is that families around the world in the New Church will be able to humbly and joyfully say together with genuine conviction: “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!” (Joshua 24:15).

Hugging Children and Nurturing Them Helps the Lord to Implant Remains

Artwork by Marguerite Acton

1. Help Load Up the Children with Remains

The vital importance of remains is a fundamental doctrine of the New Church; however, not everyone knows what “remains” are or how to help instill them in our children. There are many beautiful teachings in the Word that help us to get a better idea of how to do this. When the Lord was leading the children of Israel to the promised land of Canaan, representing the way He leads us to heaven, Moses said to the people: the Lord will “give you large and good cities which you did not build, houses full of all good things, which you did not fill, hewn-out wells which you did not dig, vineyards and olive trees which you did not plant” (Deuteronomy 6:10-12). Further, Moses said to them: “The Lord will command the blessing on you in your storehouses and in all to which you set your hand, and He will bless you in the land which the Lord your God is giving you” (Deuteronomy 28:8).

Notice the emphasis on the fact that all those blessings would be given to them freely, or as it were, without much effort on their part. This is the way it is with children; the Lord manages to fill them with good and true things throughout their lives without them being aware of it. The Heavenly Doctrine tells us that “Remains are…all the states of the affection of good and truth with which a person is gifted by the Lord, from earliest infancy even to the end of life” and that these states are “stored away” within each person for future use (Arcana Coelestia 1906:1).

The Lord uses our minds as a storehouse where He can gather up and preserve all those holy and innocent states that we experience throughout our lives. These states are the “remains” that the Lord stores up within us so that He can draw them out later in life when we need them. These remains of what is good and true are most effective when they are from the Word, and it is important for us to acquire them “even from infancy” (Apocalypse Explained 790:5). There is then a “communication from remains” when the Lord opens the storehouses of our minds and helps us remember with affection something we once felt was good and true (Arcana Coelestia 5370).

The vital importance of remains is underscored numerous times by pointing out that without the implanting of these good, peaceful, and innocent states to counterbalance our hereditary tendencies toward evil, we would be worse than wild beasts (Arcana Coelestia 1906:2). And that’s not the worst of it; another passage points out that without remains a person would be doomed to “eternal damnation” (Arcana Coelestia 561). These startling teachings make it clear that we should never underestimate the incredible value of loading up our children with remains every chance we get!

There are three different kinds of remains that are implanted during the course of our lives: “the goods of infancy, the goods of ignorance, and the goods of intelligence” (Arcana Coelestia 2280:2). The first remains, called the goods of infancy, are implanted from birth until the child is beginning to be instructed and to know certain things; roughly from age zero until age ten. These remains of innocence are implanted by the Lord through the celestial angels primarily through the sense of touch.

The following teaching shows what a vital role mothers play in the implantation of these early remains. “Evidence that the communication and thus conjunction of innocent states is occasioned especially through the instrumentality of touch is clearly seen from the gratification of carrying them in one's arms, and from their hugs and kisses – especially in the case of mothers, who are delighted by the resting of their mouth and face upon their bosoms, and at the same time then by the touch of their hands there; in general, by their suckling at their breasts and nursing” (Conjugial Love 396:2). The Heavenly Doctrine further underscores the importance of the mother’s role in these early years by saying that the primary “responsibility of suckling and bringing up little children of both sexes” until around school age belongs to the mother (Conjugial Love 176). Then the passage goes on to say that the father takes on primary responsibility of educating the boys and the mother the girls. I know that my mother choosing to stay home from work to raise me was a big sacrifice, but I credit her constant presence in my life as a reason I have so many tender memories and states the Lord could work with.

Remains are also implanted by providing an orderly and peaceful environment in the home, where they feel safe, nurtured, and supported. Saying prayers with them at bedtime, holding their hands while saying a blessing at the table, letting them light candles at worship, are other simple ways that allow remains to be more easily implanted. As you can see, these first remains implanted by the Lord are primarily through the actions of the child’s parents and their siblings. These earliest remains are implanted without our conscious awareness, which is meant by the words in Deuteronomy: The Lord your God will give you “houses full of all good things, which you did not fill” (Deuteronomy 6:11).

The next kind of remains implanted are called the goods of ignorance. These remains are implanted during the age of instruction, which the Heavenly Doctrine defines as the ages between ten and twenty years old. Throughout our children’s schooling, remains continue to be implanted by parents in the home, and in addition, now many also begin to be implanted by teachers and instructors. We are told that these remains are implanted especially when children are being taught the stories of the Word.

Once again, these remains, more now of truth than good in this state of instruction, are implanted without our conscious awareness, meant by the words: the Lord your God will give you “hewn-out wells which you did not dig” (Deuteronomy 6:11).

The final kind of remains implanted are called the goods of intelligence, from around age twenty and upward. Now the ability of the Lord to implant remains in us is no longer solely according to the actions of parents and teachers, but it becomes primarily each person’s own responsibility. We allow the Lord to implant these remains in us, when in states of sincere humility and innocence, our children (now young adults) reflect upon what they know to be good and true from reading the Word.

Interestingly, these last remains, the goods of intelligence, are called “the best” of all the remains implanted because there is now wisdom attached to the states of innocence (Arcana Coelestia 2280:5). This is one of the reasons why early on in New Church history various leaders felt it was imperative that a New Church College or University should be started, so that young adults could get more of these remains as they studied subjects in the light of the Word and could reason about them. These adult remains being called the best, however, does not diminish the importance of the earlier remains which are still absolutely vital. This is because those initial states of innocence are the building blocks upon which all the other remains to be implanted are founded.

In today’s fast-paced and busy culture, where often both parents are working full-time jobs, it can be difficult to find time to instill these foundational remains that will be critical to your children’s future development. However, given the emphasis placed on implanting remains in our children, I think it is an area that is definitely worth focusing on early. Create the time and space wherever and whenever you can to load up their storehouses with these life-giving remains. and you will be glad you did! May your children later in life be able to look back and thank you by saying, “Our storehouses are full, yielding food and still more food” (Psalm 144:13).

A Family Making the Effort to Go to Church

Artwork by Marguerite Acton

2. Remember the Sabbath Day (Yes, that means go to Church!)

This can be a bit of a touchy subject today given the fact that so many activities are scheduled on Sunday; people who work in retail or at restaurants, or who engage in sports and entertainment inevitably seem to be scheduled over church. In addition to this is the reality that often both parents have had a long work week and only have two days on the weekend to reconnect with each other. Adding Church in on Sunday can seem to be a tall order.

However, as in all things of life, priorities really need to be set. The bottom line is that what we value the most, we tend to make time for. I know if I had tickets for the Super Bowl, I would find a way to clear my schedule and make it there, and I can guarantee you that I’d be on time! We made a rule for our children that if they played sports, they would have to miss any practices or games that happened during Church, and if they had a job, they would also need to miss work over that roughly two-hour time period. Interestingly, over the years we found the coaches and store managers very understanding and respectful of these guidelines. On occasion, a coach might bench them for the next game, or a store manager might make them come in before Church and then come back after it was finished, but for the most part they were surprisingly accommodating.

One passage that has always been inspiring to me regarding setting the right priorities comes from the book of Isaiah when the Lord sent him to deliver this message to the people. “If you turn away your foot from the Sabbath, from doing your pleasure on My holy day, and call the Sabbath a delight, the holy day of the Lord honorable, and shall honor Him, not doing your own ways, nor finding your own pleasure, nor speaking your own words, then you shall delight yourself in the Lord; and I will cause you to ride on the high places of the earth, and feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father” (Isaiah 58:13-14).

Not a bad reward for observing the Sabbath – riding on the high places of the earth and being fed with our father’s heritage, and all we have to do is take a day off from seeking after our own pleasures and doing our own thing. In my days as a Pastor of a congregation, I was frequently puzzled by how we often seem to treat the Third Commandment as optional. On a personal level for me, this is one of the easy ones; the Lord isn’t asking me to shun anything, He’s simply asking me to take a day off and focus on Him!

Let’s look a little more closely at why, as New Church parents, we might be taking this commandment a little too lightly where the Lord says, “Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work” (Exodus 20:8-10).

One reason might be based on a misconception from Arcana Coelestia 9349 where it is outlining the various commandments, laws, statutes, and judgments given by the Lord from Mount Sinai, and it divides them into three categories: 1) Laws which are to be altogether observed and done, 2) Laws which serve a use if one so pleases, and 3) Laws which have been abrogated or abolished.

Interestingly, the second part of the third commandment about doing no work on the Sabbath Day, has been placed in category number two. This means that choosing not to work on the Sabbath can serve a useful purpose, like being able to give full focus to the Lord, but it is no longer strictly insisted that you cannot work on the Sabbath Day. Some good New Church people have mistakenly drawn the conclusion that the whole of the third commandment has been placed in this “optional” category. However, that is not the case. The first part of the commandment, which says, “Remember the Sabbath to keep it holy,” has been placed in the category of “altogether to be observed and done!”

A second reason I have heard from parents as to why going to Church hasn’t been a priority goes something like this: “The commandment only says we are to remember the Sabbath Day to keep it holy, it doesn’t say we have to go to Church!” While this statement is literally true enough, I think we have to be careful that we are not being too pharisaical by dissecting the commandment to the point where we miss the real intent of it and render it of no effect.

The Lord clearly throughout the Old Testament commanded places of worship be built to Him, and in the New Testament He frequented the temple and taught there. We are also told that when the Lord came to earth, the Sabbath day became “a day of instruction in Divine things, and thus also a day…of meditation on such things as relate to salvation and eternal life, and also a day of love toward the neighbor” (True Christian Religion 301).

We can see that there are two basic parts here: instruction and the love of the neighbor. Our worldly side can lump a whole lot of things under loving our neighbor, such as joining our friends for a barbeque at the beach, taking our kids to their sports activities, or going to a movie with our spouse. We can also sometimes use these as excuses to not participate in the ritual of being instructed in the Lord’s Word in His holy temple.

The Pharisees played this game in a slightly different way back when the Lord was on earth. They liked to put all the focus on the strict ritual of worship and none of it on the more important or weightier matters of judgment, mercy, faith, and loving the neighbor. It is interesting to see the Lord’s response. He said that these weightier things they should have done, “without leaving the others undone” (Matthew 23:23). The bottom line is that the Lord wants both the “internal and external” things of worship happening in His Church (Arcana Coelestia 6577:2-3, cf. 1175:2).

So as parents and the role models for our children, if we are choosing not to go to Church on Sunday, we need to ask ourselves, “Are we honestly still remembering the Sabbath Day by being instructed in Divine things and setting aside time to meditate on them, or are we just getting extra sleep, or getting some extra work done around the house and yard?

Now if we are sincerely remembering the Sabbath Day, maybe by having a special family worship, even though we choose not to go to Church on a particular Sunday, then it is a good thing that we are making an effort to genuinely honor the third commandment. However, there is still a valuable use to be served in making going to Church a regular, weekly habit.

Think about our annual celebratory Church services. Most everyone in the congregation has fond memories of these annual services. Obviously, one reason is because we are celebrating the momentous occasions of the Lord on earth, such as His birth and resurrection; but another very tangible reason is that there is strength in numbers as the Lord flows in and inspires us both individually and collectively. There is also a sense of camaraderie and goodwill that is found in the fellowship of other worshippers who are battling many of the same things that we struggle to overcome. Now imagine if that wasn’t just once or twice a year, but rather a weekly occurrence.

Another good reason for making it a habit to go to Church and worship the Lord on Sunday is that, as adults, we set the example for our children. If they see remembering the Sabbath Day as optional for their parents, chances are when they become adults it will also be optional, rather than something to be “altogether observed and done.”

I’ll share with you a short story that had a profound impact on me as a child. We used to go up to Canada for vacation during the summers to visit my Grandpa and Grandma Heinrichs, and Uncle Phil and Aunt Anne Heinrichs’ family. After stopping over in the town of Caryndale for a day or two, we would quickly set out for the cottage up at Lake Conestoga. As a child this was paradise for me, fishing, boating, swimming, playing games, etc.

Then right in the middle of our two-week vacation, what ominous day would disrupt all the fun I was having? You guessed it – the Sabbath Day! I can still remember my mother making me get dressed up and my father driving us all the way back to Caryndale to attend the Carmel New Church service, extolling the virtue of remembering the Sabbath Day and reminding us that it was not an optional commandment.

I won’t lie to you and say how much I appreciated this as a child. I did NOT appreciate it at all, and in fact it is safe to say that I was quite resentful at the time. However, that example really drove home a critical lesson for me that has stuck with me throughout my life: Remembering the Sabbath is extremely important; something that I should focus on and organize my life around the Church, instead of just trying to squeeze the Church into my life when it’s convenient.

I don’t share these thoughts to point the finger at anyone and make them feel guilty, or to be “preachy” (even though that’s my job); I do it because the reality is that we are living in insanely busy times where we are all spread very thinly, and it is so easy for the Lord and His Church to get lost in the shuffle. I really believe that the simple acts of remembering the Sabbath on a weekly basis, worshiping the Lord, and being instructed in His Word are vital and necessary for us to truly thrive spiritually and for our children’s development.

We are explicitly told that “the pursuit of a religious life involves…going to church and listening to sermons there in a devout frame of mind, and attending…all other services of worship instituted by the Church” (Arcana Coelestia 8253). However, there is perhaps one even more important reason that we should make a regular habit of going to church with our children. This reason goes back to the implantation of those ever-precious remains. We’re taught that “by means of external worship external things are kept holy so as to enable internal things to flow in” (Arcana Coelestia 1618). It is in these holy states of worship where our children are innocently being instructed in the Word, that the Lord can flow in and fill them with tender internal states that He can preserve for later use.

So, it is good to follow the Lord’s advice about remembering His Sabbath Day. It is a once-a-week touchstone where we raise our thoughts above the morass of the world, and find comfort, refuge, and peace in the Lord’s holy temple. One of the most powerful experiences in adulthood is entering a sanctuary and being overwhelmed by beautiful emotions aroused from our childhood remains that the Lord has stirred within us. This reverential awe is captured in Jacob’s words when he awoke and said: “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I did not know it…. How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven!” (Genesis 28:16-17).

Young Children Praying in Worship

Artwork by Marguerite Acton

3. Make Family Worship and Reading the Word a Regular Habit

Having family worship follows naturally from remembering the Sabbath Day and going to church. Worshiping the Lord doesn’t need to be confined to one day a week, and there is also a value in the more intimate dynamic of family worship in your own home. This is expressed beautifully in the Psalms: “All the ends of the world shall remember and turn to the Lord, and all the families of the nations shall worship before Your face” (Psalm 22:27).

We’re told that in ancient times, a husband and wife along with their children and other people that were a part of the household would worship together as families, and that when angels contemplate these families they focus on “only the worship existing with it. For they contemplate all from the point of view of essential character, that is, what kind of people they are” (Arcana Coelestia 1258). The reason why they dwelt together and worshipped in this manner was so that “the Church might in this way be preserved intact, and so that every house and family might be dependent on their parent, and that love and true worship might consequently continue among them” (Arcana Coelestia 471).

In this state, “truly conjugial love existed among them; and their children consequently inherited inclinations toward the conjugial connection between good and truth, into which they were easily introduced more and more deeply by their parents through their upbringing and education” (Conjugial Love 205). Consequently, ancient writers referred to this as “the Golden Age, because love to the Lord, mutual love, innocence, peace, wisdom, and chastity in marriage then prevailed” (Apocalypse Explained 988:6).

The picture painted in these passages of ancient times places a high value on family and worshiping together. Now, we don’t live in ancient times and the world has changed considerably since then; however, it doesn’t mean that the value of a family worshiping together has diminished at all. Perhaps in these more chaotic times it is needed more than ever.

Think about the inspiring example set by the prophet Daniel when he was a captive in Babylon during the reign of Darius the Mede and he refused to follow the King’s edict that no one could pray to their God for thirty days. It says, “he went home, and…knelt down on his knees three times that day, and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as was his custom since early days” (Daniel 6:10). Notice he knelt down and prayed not just once, but three times, and then we see that this was an established habit since his early days.

What a wonderful gift we can give to our children when we establish the daily worship of the Lord for them as routine habit from their early days! Some things families have done is give every child a special job in worship, like choosing the songs, playing some music, lighting and snuffing the candles, setting up the chairs, or opening and closing the Word. These jobs can also rotate on a chart so that everyone gets a fair chance to do everything.

I know for my children lighting the candles was always one of their favorites! Whatever you choose to do, imagine the positive message the children will receive from your consistent routines which in reality say, let us “Give to the Lord the glory due to His name; worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness” (Psalm 29:2). Think of the power of that simple phrase in family worship when the parent says, “Oh come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel before the Lord our Maker” (Psalm 95:6).

These teachings give us an ideal vision of what family worship has the potential to be, and yet many families struggle to find any one time in the day where they can all worship together, and sometimes days or weeks may go by without worship happening. Unfortunately, this problem seems to get more difficult as the children get older and involved in different activities.

I have heard from many parents how poorly they feel they are doing around family worship, ranging from not doing it at all, to intermittent, to most of the time, but it isn’t effective because they don’t know how to explain the stories well enough. The fact is the hells love to make us feel like failures at family worship and constantly fill us with negative thoughts that make us want to give up and say it isn’t worth it.

Well, you don’t have to be perfect! Having family worship once a month is better than not having it at all. Having worship without all the smaller rituals like candle lighting and snuffing and songs is better than not having it at all. Having it with the people who are able to be present is better than not having it at all. Reading a simple story from the Word without explanation and saying the prayer together is better than not having it at all. The bottom line is – do what you can for now, try to move it up on your priority list, and dedicate yourself to improving your commitment toward family worship. Your children will be the beneficiaries. I have talked to many parents who regretted later that they did not try harder to establish consistent family worship.

One of the main reasons behind making family worship a regular habit is that it increases our children’s exposure to the reading of the Word. When they are young and can’t yet read, having a parent do that during worship allows for that valuable implanting of remains that comes from hearing the Word in a state of holy reverence. It also prepares them to see the value in reading the Word for themselves as they get older, and they begin to realize that “blessed are those who hear the word of God and keep it!” (Luke 11:28).

It is worth underscoring the importance of reading the Word on a regular basis. The Lord’s Word is where He speaks directly to each one of us as individuals without the filter of another person. It also can connect us to the angels of heaven, “when the Word of the Lord is being read by someone who loves the Word and leads a charitable life – even by one who…is simple-hearted” (Arcana Coelestia 1767).

The fact that we don’t need to be a scholar to have this connection to the Lord and heaven is further emphasized in this teaching where we’re told that “the angels understand the internal sense of the Word better and more fully when little boys and girls are reading it” because “little boys and girls are in a state of mutual love and innocence, and thus their most tender vessels are almost heavenly, being simply capacities for receiving which are able to be made ready by the Lord to receive” (Arcana Coelestia 1776).

Perhaps this vital connection to the powerful sphere of the heavens through the Word is why the Lord commanded Joshua to “meditate on it day and night” as he was preparing to lead the people into Canaan, the land of their inheritance (Joshua 1:8). The Heavenly Doctrine gives us similar advice where the Lord outlines eight steps that are necessary for our salvation, and the very first step is to “read the Word every day, one or two chapters” (Apocalypse Explained 803:2).

I can remember as a child my father insisting on how important it was to read at least a chapter a day, and as a child sometimes I felt this could be quite a burden. I soon discovered that the shortest chapter in the Word was Psalm 117, only two verses long, and I read that as my one chapter probably a hundred times or more throughout my childhood to check that box of reading at least a chapter. I am not recommending this as an ideal approach; however, the point is that it got me in the habit of reading the Word every day and it is a habit I have maintained into adulthood. Now I even read the longer chapters and sometimes even more than one!

In the early days of the New Church, people were known to be voracious readers of the Word, but that culture has faded somewhat in our younger generations. However, you can be a part of turning that trend around with your children by encouraging them to read the Word every day. It is wonderful to think about all those angels connected to them in their innocence and delighting in the Word along side of them. Having children read the Word provides another great opportunity for the Lord to implant remains, so we should embrace this beautiful promise in the Psalms, which coincidentally comes from the longest chapter in the Word: “I will meditate on Your precepts, and contemplate Your ways. I will delight myself in Your statutes; I will not forget Your Word” (Psalm 119:15-16).

Moses Holding the Ten Commandments

Artwork by Marguerite Acton

4, Teach Them the Basic Commandments

I think every parent wants their children to be happy. Well, happiness begins with the Ten Commandments. These are the fundamental rules of life that provide the road map for a life of happiness to eternity in the Lord’s heavenly kingdom, and so we are told: “Happy are those who do His commandments, that…they may enter through the gates into the city” (Revelation 22:15).

They are such foundational building blocks that we’re taught that “the Ten Commandments were the first of the Word, being promulgated from Mount Sinai before the Word was written by Moses…. For the same reason these commandments are the first things to be taught in the churches; for they are taught to boys and girls in order that they may begin their Christian life with them, and by no means forget them as they grow up” (Apocalypse Explained 939:3).

Notice they are to be the first things taught to boys and girls and are to be taught so well that they never forget them. Give yourself a quick test right now; it is just one question: List the Ten Commandments. How did you do? Could you remember them all? Did you miss a couple? Did you struggle remembering them? Or were you able to right away list all ten and without any hesitation or second guessing?

If you had difficulty, you are not alone. In 2007 there were several surveys done which were pulled together by the Family Research Council that demonstrated how poorly people knew the Ten Commandments, which they argued were supposed to be the foundation of American society. Some of the findings showed that 60% of Americans could not name even five of the Ten Commandments, and that a meager 14% could list all ten.

Now contrast that lack of knowledge about the Ten Commandments with this teaching from the Heavenly Doctrine: “Nothing…is of more importance to a person than to know what is true. When he knows what is true, and knows it so well…it cannot be perverted” (Arcana Coelestia 794:2). This is especially important when we consider that “the Ten Commandments of the Decalogue contain in summary all tenets of religion” (Decalogue 1). Now because the commandments are a condensed summary of everything in the Word, it makes sense to invest time and energy in learning them as a basic starting point.

It is up to us to help our children learn the Ten Commandments so well that the knowledge of them becomes so engrained on their hearts that they never forget them, as the Lord said: “I will put my law in the midst of them, and write it on their heart” (Jeremiah 31:33). This means that it is imperative that they “must be imprinted in people’s memory and on their life, and so remain there” to eternity (Arcana Coelestia 9416:3).

One of the best ways to learn them and commit them to memory is to teach someone else. This is a golden opportunity for us to learn them even better while instructing our children. Maybe you were fortunate enough as child to have memorized them and re-memorized them on a yearly basis for your school recitation, so that even today you can say them out loud in Church without looking at your liturgy. One way to do it (if your kids aren’t able to be part of a New Church school) would be to learn one commandment a week with your children and say it every night as a recitation in family worship, then the next week add number two, and so on. Within ten weeks you should know all of them really well.

The reason why learning the Ten Commandments is so important for our children, particularly when they are young, is because all of us have hereditary tendencies toward evils of every kind, and from birth our wills have a “tendency to evils, even monstrous evils” (True Christian Religion 588). It is on account of these myriads of hereditary tendencies toward evil that from the time of our birth we are described as “a miniature hell” and we are also told that we become “an embodiment of hell” to the extent that we confirm those tendencies toward evils (Arcana Coelestia 9336:2).

This is why eight of the ten commandments are simply instructions not to do evil. We really can’t love the Lord and our neighbor and live a heavenly life until we learn the “you shall nots” of the Ten Commandments. The Heavenly Doctrine tells us “the reason why such things as relate directly to love and charity are not commanded, but only such things as are opposed to them are forbidden, is that so far as a person shuns evils as sins, so far does he will the goods that pertain to love and charity” (True Christian Religion 329). This essential message is enforced in the Prophets, where the Lord exhorts us to “put away the evil of your doings from before My eyes. Cease to do evil, learn to do good” (Isaiah 1:16-17).

After a child has become well versed in the Ten Commandments, it is important to point out how the Lord came into the world and summed up the two tablets by stating things positively in the two Great Commandments saying: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart” and “you shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 22:37-40). When the Ten Commandments are viewed through this lens, we can notice that the two tablets outline our duties to God and how to love Him, and our duties toward our neighbor and how to love them.

Duties to God Duties to our Neighbor

1. You shall have no other gods before My face. 5. You shall not murder.

2. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain. 6. You shall not commit adultery.

3. Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. 7. You shall not steal.

4. Honor your father and mother. 8. You shall not bear false witness.

9. You shall not covet your

neighbor’s house.

10. You shall not covet your

neighbor’s wife

It is only after we first learn not to harm the Lord and our neighbors by shunning the things that would hurt them that we can truly begin to love them. It is similar to the injunction given to medical doctors in the Hippocratic oath which says regarding their patients, “I will keep them from harm and injustice” which later became the phrase we are familiar with “First, do no harm.” In another place the Lord summed up all the Commandments even more succinctly in the Golden Rule by saying: “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12).

Hopefully, these teachings have inspired you to really dedicate yourself to going back to basics and learning the foundational truths contained in the Ten Commandments, the two Great Commandments, and the Golden Rule. I would also highly recommend for further study the book Rise Above It, written by Ray and Star Silverman, which is a practical guide to living the Ten Commandments. It is vital for your children’s spiritual development that you commit yourself to making sure they learn them inside and out, so that those laws will form the foundation of your home and life.

This idea was beautifully conveyed by Moses to the children of Israel as he was preparing them to enter the heavenly land of Canaan when he said: “These words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates” (Deuteronomy 6:6-9).

King Josiah Urges the Tribe of Judah to Take a Stand for the Covenant

Artwork by Marguerite Acton

5. Instruct Them About the Covenant

In the introduction I mentioned the teaching in the Heavenly Doctrine that talked about a “covenanting” happening three times with the people through Abram, Moses, and Joshua. Well, if a covenanting is going to take place with our children, then we need to know what the rules of the covenant are and what the nature of the covenant is between us and the Lord.

So, what are the rules of the covenant? In the most basic sense, the covenant is the Ten Commandments. As Moses told the people, the Lord “declared to you His covenant which He commanded you to perform, the Ten Commandments; and He wrote them on two tablets of stone” (Deuteronomy 4:13). In a broader sense, “all the judgments and statutes which the Lord commanded through Moses…were called the ‘covenant,’ as were…the books of Moses themselves” (Arcana Coelestia 6804:7). We see that this broader covenant was wonderfully affirmed by the Israelites, when it says Moses “took the book of the covenant, and read it in the ears of the people; and they said, ‘All that the Lord has spoken we will do and hear’” (Exodus 24:7).

In the first and second books of Kings and throughout all the books of Prophets, the Lord continually sent His prophets with an exhortation for the people to remember the covenant, keep the covenant, and return to the covenant. The people didn’t listen, and when the Lord came to earth it says He made a new covenant with them and so “the Word of the New Testament also is a ‘covenant’” (Arcana Coelestia 9396:8). In short, the whole of “the Word, is the covenant, because it conjoins” the Lord to the people He created (Apocalypse Explained 701:4).

At this point, the question might arise, “What is the difference between teaching our children the basic commandments which we covered in the last chapter and instructing them about the covenant in this chapter?” The primary difference that I see in these steps is that the first step is really focused on learning the rules, and the second step is demonstrating that those rules are actually a living and active foundation for our relationship with the Lord which will lead to our eternal happiness.

Covenants, or contracts, are a living promise made between two parties or people. Think about the marriage covenant. The husband and wife make promises before the Lord that are designed to ensure their safety, their future happiness, and allow for them to be lawfully conjoined. A peace treaty is a covenant made between two countries that is formulated to ensure safety and peace between the nations. A trade agreement is a covenant between countries that is made for the purpose of fairness and to allow those nations to be conjoined in the friendly exchange of goods and services.

The whole of the Word in general, and more specifically the Ten Commandments, are the covenant between the Lord and us that allows for us to be conjoined with Him so that He can keep us safe and happy. We’re told that “for this reason there were two tables, one for God and the other for man. Conjunction is effected by the Lord, but only when a person does what is written in his table” (True Christian Religion 285).

Our table is the one that has all the commandments about loving our neighbor, not murdering, not committing adultery, not stealing, not lying, and not coveting. What is fascinating is that we’re told “we cannot keep the laws of the Lord’s table, which all have reference to the love of the Lord,” unless we first keep the commandments about loving our neighbor (Divine Providence 95). This is an important part about the nature of the covenant that children must know. They need to be taught that you can’t really say that you love the Lord and are keeping your covenant with Him, if you are lying to your parents, stealing from a friend, or holding hatred in your heart against your sibling.

The other thing that they will need to understand as they get older is that, just as a covenant between two people must have consent from both parties, it is similar regarding our covenant with the Lord, “that is, one proposes and the other accepts, and the one who accepts consents. If the person does not consent, the covenant is not established. To consent to this covenant is to think, will, and do as if of oneself” (Apocalypse Explained 971:5).

A critical distinction with our covenant with the Lord is that He “proposes and the people respond” (Arcana Coelestia 8778:1). Children will need to come to grips with the realization that we don’t get to write the covenant, or edit it, or eliminate the parts of it we don’t like. Maybe you have had the experience of a child trying to renegotiate the rules of the house that you gave them. Whenever my children started down that road, I would tell them that I don’t negotiate with terrorists and that the rules still remained in effect. The main reason for doing so was to emphasize this principle that the Lord is in charge and makes the rules of His covenant with us.

I can remember a well-intentioned parishioner asking why we couldn’t rewrite the commandments in the positive; you shall heal people, you shall honor marriage, you shall respect your neighbor’s property, and you shall tell the truth. On the surface this idea seems harmless enough, but imagine the damage that would be done if we all got to rewrite the rules to suit our own desires?

The fact is that the Lord has written the rules of the covenant in His Word, and His covenant does not change, and that is a very good thing because the Lord wrote it from His deep love for the happiness of the human race. “‘For the mountains shall depart, and the hills shall be moved; but My mercy shall not depart from you, and the covenant of My peace shall not be removed,’ says the Lord who has compassion on you” (Isaiah 54:10).

Everything about the covenant that the Lord urges us to accept has our salvation and wellbeing at the heart of it. We’re explicitly told that the Lord “loves the universal human race and desires to eternally save every member of it” (Arcana Coelestia 6495). However, some people have misunderstood the unconditional nature of the Lord’s love to mean that we can’t really mess up our part of the covenant, because, after all, the Lord says that “He makes His sun to rise on the wicked and the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust” (Matthew 5:45).

What children need to learn is that in the rules of His covenant, the Lord’s love is unconditional in His perpetual desire to share it with us, always shining down; however, the reception of His love by us has conditions. The Lord expressed this just prior to giving the Ten Commandments when He said: “Now therefore, if you will indeed obey My voice and keep My covenant, then you shall be a special treasure to Me above all people” (Exodus 19:5). So, the Lord’s love is unconditional in the giving, but there are definitely conditions in the receiving of it.

Think about the vision for the establishment of the New Church given in the book of Revelation. The Lord welcomes everyone to the holy city New Jerusalem which has twelve gates perpetually open, with three gates facing every direction. Then we’re told, “Happy are those who do His commandments, that they…may enter through the gates into the city. But outside are dogs and sorcerers and sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters, and whoever loves and practices a lie” (Revelation 22:14-15). Notice that while everyone is invited, only those who choose to do the commandments get to go inside. Sadly, those who chose not to follow the rules of the covenant are left outside.

This theme about conditions on our part of the covenant is remarkably persistent throughout the Word. Often, we can find it whenever an “if” statement is followed by a “then” statement. The Israelites were plainly instructed by Moses “if you listen to these judgments, and keep and do them, then the Lord your God will keep with you the covenant and the mercy which He swore to your fathers. And He will love you and bless you” (Deuteronomy 7:12-13). The Lord made it even clearer when He said: “If you walk in My statutes and keep My commandments, and perform them, then…I will give peace in the land, and you shall lie down, and none will make you afraid…. But if you do not obey Me, and do not observe all these commandments…, but break My covenant…, I will even appoint terror over you, wasting disease and fever which shall consume the eyes and cause sorrow of heart” (Leviticus 26:3-16).

In the New Testament the theme about conditions on our reception is continued: “He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit…. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered…. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you” (John 15:5-6). At the end of the Lord’s prayer it says, “if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15).

Believe it or not, children can readily understand the nature of this covenant from their parents’ example. As a parent you unconditionally love your children and want to give that love to them, and yet we routinely explain the rules of the various covenants we make with them: “If you eat your dinner, then you can have dessert.” “If you finish mowing the lawn, then you can go play at your friends.” “If you do the dishes and clean your room, then you can have a sleepover.” “If you stop throwing a temper tantrum, then I will help you with your homework.” “If you take the Lord’s name in vain again, then you will be grounded for a week,” and so on. They will palpably experience the reward of receiving your love, when they put their life in order according to the conditions of the covenant that you made with them. This is an important developmental phase where mediate goods, in the form of rewards and punishments, encourage them to keep their part of the covenant.

In general, the Lord’s covenant with us today is as simple as, “If you obey My commandments then you will be blessed and live happily to eternity in heaven with Me, but if you disobey them consistently you will be miserable and live apart from Me in hell.” The wonderful thing for children to see is that the Lord never breaks His covenant and never fails to hold up His end of the agreement with us, so the only way we don’t end up in heaven is if we choose not to uphold our end.

The important concept to express to children is how the rules of the covenant are so perfectly fair because the Lord has designed it in such a way that, even if we break the covenant and fail at times in keeping the commandments, we can always turn back and rededicate ourselves to doing better. This is called repentance and it is a key component to the Lord’s covenant with us. We are all finite, imperfect human beings, and we all will make many mistakes throughout our lives.

The important thing is that we learn to repent. We do this by simply acknowledging when we have done wrong and transgressed the Lord’s commandments, say that we are sorry to Him and any others we have hurt, and demonstrate that sorrow by not doing it again, while striving to do better and beginning a new life. Learning to do this is so important that John the Baptist was sent prior to the Lord’s coming to prepare the way for people to receive Him. He boldly exhorted the people, saying, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand!” (Matthew 3:2). This is why we are taught that “Repentance is the first essential of the church in a person” (True Christian Religion 510).

Perhaps no story demonstrates this better than the story of the Prodigal Son in the Gospel of Luke. He wastes the inheritance from his father with riotous living and ends up broke, hungry, and miserable. Realizing the consequences of his poor choices, he decides to go back to his father, and after arriving, he humbly says, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son” (Luke 15:21). The most comforting part of the story is that the father, as soon as he saw his son returning, had compassion on him, ran to kiss him, and warmly welcomed him home. This shows perfectly how the Lord responds to us when we acknowledge that we have broken our part of the covenant and ask for His help. He will always forgive us when we are truly repentant.

Another hopeful story about repenting after breaking the covenant with the Lord happened when the young king Josiah began ruling in Judah. Wickedness was everywhere, the temple was in disrepair, and the Book of the Covenant had been lost. However, as Josiah set about having the temple repaired, they found the lost book of the law, and after it had been read, Josiah realized how far they had strayed from the terms of the covenant. He was filled with remorse and tore his clothes, demonstrating his abject sorrow.

Immediately afterwards, Josiah gathered all the people together and read the entire Book of the Covenant to them and what he did next should inspire us all. “Then the king stood by a pillar and made a covenant before the Lord, to follow the Lord and to keep His commandments and His testimonies and His statutes, with all his heart and all his soul, to perform the words of this covenant that were written in this book. And all the people took a stand for the covenant” (II Kings 23:3).

What a beautiful image for us as parents to share with our children about the nature of the Lord’s covenant with us, and the comfort and strength that comes from us all taking a stand for the covenant together. His covenant with us is what will keep us safe, and we will experience happiness to the extent that we do our part to receive His love by obeying His commandments. As we instruct our children about the covenant the Lord invites us into, may we lead them to see that “All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth, to such as keep His covenant and His testimonies” (Psalm 25:10).

Key Teaching

“Since a person must refrain from evils as sins as if of oneself, these ten commandments were inscribed by the Lord on two tables, and these were called a covenant; and this covenant was entered into in the same way as it is usual to enter into covenants between two, that is, one proposes and the other accepts, and the one who accepts consents. If one does not consent the covenant is not established. To consent to this covenant is to think, will, and do as if of oneself…. In this way reciprocal conjunction is effected.”

Apocalypse Explained 971:5

The Israelites Are Afraid to Approach the Lord at Mount Sinai

Artwork by Marguerite Acton

6. Put the Fear of God in Them!

Did this chapter title grab your attention? Well it was meant to, because we are living in an age where reverence for the Word and the Lord are often severely lacking; and yet throughout the Word the fear of the Lord is commanded and viewed as a good thing. In the Psalms we’re told that “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; a good understanding have all those who do His commandments” (Psalm 111:10). So, can it really be wise and healthy to fear the Lord?

The Heavenly Doctrine speaks of differing types of fear, ranging from natural terror to reverential adoration or what is properly called “holy fear.” The fear of God is progressive in nature, moving to a more and more purified and healthy holy fear of the Lord. Interestingly, we’re told that “fear is a common bond, both for those who are upright and for those who are evil” (Arcana Coelestia 7280:1). However, the fear of the upright is an internal fear for the sake of salvation, while the fear of the evil is a natural fear characterized by “a fearfulness, dread, and terror of dangers and punishments, and thus of hell” or of losing their reputation and worldly possessions (Apocalypse Explained 696:23). One rule of thumb to keep in mind is that “the more there is of love” to the Lord and faith in Him, “the less there is of fear” (Arcana Coelestia 2826:13).

This makes it clear that fear with the unregenerate person is quite different than that of a regenerating person. But what does this mean for children? They are not evil or unregenerate, but they are certainly not regenerated yet, so what type of fear of God should they have? A young child’s fear of God is bound to start out as a more natural fear because their rational minds are not yet developed and so they can’t really be spiritual human beings at that age. Also remember the teachings we discussed earlier about how all of us as children start out with hereditary tendencies toward evil, which is why so many of the Ten Commandments tell us what we should not do. Likewise, the nature of the Lord’s covenant with us tells us that we will be rewarded with good things if we listen to Him and penalized with bad things if we disobey Him. All these teachings tell us that there is a value in making sure our children have a fear of God right from the beginning, even if it starts out as a merely natural fear at first.

In fact, the Heavenly Doctrine explicitly states that “fear must precede love in order that in love there may be holy fear” (Arcana Coelestia 6997:2). The idea of fear being developmental and in stages is clearly shown in regard to worship, where it says that the fear of God is actual “fear with those who are in external worship without internal, it becomes holy fear with those who are in spiritual worship, and it becomes love in which is holy reverence with those who are in celestial worship” (Arcana Coelestia 5459).

This concept of fear being progressively purified is further explained beautifully in the following teaching: “All worship of God must needs begin with holy fear, within which is the thought that God will reward the good and punish the evil. The simple and little children must believe this, because…when they begin by not daring through fear to do what is evil, there is gradually insinuated love together with good, and then they begin to know and perceive that nothing but good is from God, and that evil is from themselves, and at last that all evil is from hell” (Arcana Coelestia 6071:5).

Note the expression, “they begin by not daring through fear to do what is evil.” We know this to be true from practical experience. A child that sees Mom’s freshly baked cookies on the counter does not initially resist taking them for altruistic reasons, but because they fear that if they take them without permission and get caught, they will get in trouble. A toddler acting out in church doesn’t stop because they understand that they should be reverent toward the Lord, but because they are afraid that they will be taken out and disciplined.

In a very matter-of-fact way, the Heavenly Doctrine states: “everyone knows that it is for the good of…children to be corrected for their misdeeds by their…parents” (True Christian Religion 459:15). Further, we’re taught that charity is actually being exercised when we bring bad behaviors into order and that this is done “by exhortation, discipline, punishment, and consequent amendment” (True Christian Religion 407). The passage goes on to say, “Everyone knows that a father who chastises his children when they do wrong, loves them, and that, on the other hand, he who does not chastise them therefore loves their evils, and this cannot be called charity.” We are even given a great guideline that instructs us that the bad behaviors won’t change until “the undelight of punishment prevails over the delight of doing evil” (Arcana Coelestia 7188). In the book of Revelation, the Lord Himself tells us, “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore be zealous and repent” (Revelation 3:19).

The bottom line is that our children aren’t likely to become reverent disciples of the Lord without being disciplined and learning to develop discipline. Many parents in the world today have been trending to more permissive parenting and have almost no concept of these crucial teachings. They let children take the Lord’s name in vain, talk over the minister in worship, address their elders by first names, etc. As their children get older, they often do not reprimand them anymore for poor moral behavior. Instead, they say things like, “We will support you no matter what you choose.” However, this is not being a responsible parent spiritually speaking.

We’re told that “spiritual parents love their children for their spiritual intelligence and moral life, loving them thus for their fear of God and for their piety of conduct or life, and at the same time for their affection for and application to useful endeavors of service to society, thus for the virtues and good habits in them. Out of a love for these traits principally do they provide for and supply their needs. Consequently, if they do not see such traits in them, they alienate their minds from them and help them only from a sense of duty” (Conjugial Love 405).

My wife and I tried to make our children aware of this concept in conversations at the dinner table as they were getting older. We would tell them that our allegiance was to what the Lord teaches in the Word about morality, and that if they ever forced us to choose between what the Lord taught in contrast to the behavior they were engaging in, we would side with the Lord.

Unfortunately, many parents today do not understand the concept of spiritual parenting, and consequently, act from merely natural loves and permit their children to do whatever they please. As a result, many children seem to have lost their necessary fear and respect for God, as well as for the adults who represent the Lord to them. The multitude of images in the Word that present Jehovah as a jealous and sometimes angry God, who uses discipline to bring His wayward children back in line, is quickly bypassed in favor of the gentler image of Jesus as a compassionate and all merciful God; the kind of God who is not even really their superior, but more of a buddy and a friend. This can be a serious mistake!

In order for children to overcome the evils of their proprium, they must initially have a fear that the Lord will punish them if they do not keep His commandments. As Moses told the children of Israel, “God has come to test you, and that His fear may be before you, so that you may not sin” (Exodus 20:20). Obedience in its early stages is obtained by external fear, and this is the only way that they will gradually be able to come into charity toward the neighbor and love to the Lord. And so we are instructed: “What does the Lord your God require of you? But to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul” (Deuteronomy 10:12-13).

So, what are some practical things we can do to help establish this healthy fear of the Lord in our children and even in ourselves? We could start by differentiating the place of worship in our homes and at church from other areas of use, perhaps by placing the Word in a special repository or by putting it on a special shelf, separate from other books. Maybe we could let our little girls wear a special dress to church and allow our boys to wear some shiny new shoes. Whatever external acts we choose to adopt, the purpose must be to help distinguish places of worship from “everyday” places of living. In this way a sphere of reverence for the Lord becomes associated with the special spaces we have dedicated to worshiping Him. By doing these things we will help to establish a healthy fear of the Lord, and then we can humbly voice the words of the Psalmist: “In Your fear, I will worship toward Your holy temple” (Psalm 5:7).

One poignant moment from my childhood that made a profound impact on me was when we lived in Cleveland, Ohio. My father was a minister, which meant we all had to leave early with him to get to the Church so he could prepare. Needless to say, as a young boy around the age of six, on a Sunday morning I could get a little rambunctious since I had extra time to kill before Church actually started. Well, one Sunday I was playing tag and went crashing through the doors into the sanctuary and made it about halfway down the aisle before I felt the firm hand of my father grab me by the scruff of the neck and march me back down the aisle and out the doors. Once outside, in a low, growling, and stern voice he told me, “This is the house of God; you don’t treat it like our rec room.” The strong grip of his hand and the tone of his voice made an indelible impression that has stuck with me all these years. Even now, every time I enter a sanctuary, I say to myself, “the Lord is in His holy temple. Let all the earth keep silence before Him” (Habakkuk 2:20).

I am thankful that my parents made a concerted effort to put the fear of God in me as a child. They seemed to subscribe to the sentiment in this proverb: “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life. Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:4-6). I think most of us would say that when our children are older, we would like them to be “God fearing” individuals in the best meaning of that phrase.

I think this teaching from the Heavenly Doctrine perfectly sums up the quality of the fear of the Lord that we want developed in ourselves and in our children. “In worship, and in all things pertaining to it, there is a holy and reverential fear, which leads one to feel that He is to be honored, and in no way to be grieved. For it is as with children toward their parents, parents toward their children, wives toward their husbands, and husbands toward their wives, similarly as with friends toward friends, in whom there is respect and a fear of giving offense; such fear and respect are in all love and in all friendship, so that love and friendship without such fear and respect are like unsalted food which is insipid” (Apocalypse Explained 696:4).

This is the holy fear of the Lord that is vital for our children to develop as they grow up and why it says in the Psalms that, “The Lord takes pleasure in those who fear Him, in those who hope in His mercy” (Psalm147:11). “Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord and walks in His ways” (Psalm128:1). Hopefully, these wonderful teachings help explain why putting a healthy fear of God in our children is so valuable in a culture that propagates endless irreverent memes mocking the Lord and religion. Make the decision to insist that your children show respect for the Lord and use discipline as necessary so that your children will come to embrace this simple command of the Lord that will serve them well in the future: “You shall fear the Lord your God; you shall serve Him, and to Him you shall hold fast” (Deuteronomy 10:20).

The Lord Embracing Marriage and Family

Artwork by Nancy Schnarr-Bruell

7. Educate Them About the Ideals of Marriage

In my current role as the Bishop overseeing New Church education, I spent some time reading Bishop Willard Pendleton’s book Education for Use and Bishop Benade’s Conversations on Education in preparation for my new position. One of the things that really stood out for me was the heavy emphasis they placed on educating children for marriage. Good marriages did not just happen or materialize out of thin air; they require education and proper preparation.

One of the common elements I have witnessed in families whose children have more consistently chosen to be a part of the New Church is that their parents were clear about the ideals of marriage as presented in the book Conjugial Love. Depending on the translation, this book is also called Married Love or Marriage Love, but I am sticking with the Latinate word “conjugial” because it reminds me to think of marriage in terms of how the Lord defines it and not in the broader terms the world commonly uses to define it today.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary’s first definition is given as: “the state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.” Whereas the Lord says in the Heavenly Doctrine that it is “a law of Divine order that it is not marriage unless it is that of one man and one wife” (Arcana Coelestia 1907). Notice, this law of Divine order excludes polygamous and same-sex relationships from being defined as marriages. Your children are growing up in an era where according to civil law these relationships are legal and protected in certain parts of the world, so it will be challenging for them to embrace the Divine law that marriage can only be between one man and one wife. However, it is vital to society that we do our best to stand for marriage, as the Lord defines it, in our thoughts, speech, and actions. Emphasizing the importance of this ideal we are told: “The conjugial union of one man with one wife is the precious jewel of human life and the repository of Christian religion” (Conjugial Love 457).

This simple and clear concept goes back to the first things said in the Word about the creation of human beings: “So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” (Genesis 1:27). “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). There is so much wisdom and beauty in these basic statements that are essential for our children to know and understand if we want them to end up loving these teachings about marriage as an adult and embracing the Heavenly Doctrine that teaches them.

In ancient times, when truly conjugial love existed, people lived together in households and “scarcely anyone was missing from any household” for the children were introduced more and more deeply into conjugial love “by their parents through their upbringing and education” (Conjugial Love 205). It is inspiring to think that these ancient people did such a good job educating and bringing up their children in the principles of conjugial love that hardly any of them chose to leave the proximity of their parents’ household because they felt such a spiritual kinship. So, what are the fundamental teachings contained in the beginning chapters of Genesis that we should be teaching our children about?

First, the Lord created two equal, complementary, distinct sexes, and that “from creation there was implanted in both male and female a love of uniting into one” (Conjugial Love 32). In particular, the male form is the wisdom of love, and the female form is the love of that wisdom, or as an angel husband beautifully declared: “She is my heart, and I am her lungs” (Conjugial Love 75:5). Our children should also be instructed that “masculinity in the male is masculine in every part, even in the least part of his body, and also in every idea of his thought, and in every bit of his affection. So, too, with femininity in the female. And because one cannot as a consequence be converted into the other, it follows that after death a male is still male, and that a female is still female” (Conjugial Love 33).

In an age where there is so much confusion about gender, instructing children in the fundamental teachings about the differences between the two sexes as the Lord defines them will be critical to their future happiness. They should also know that this distinction is carried into marriages, where the Lord tells us that “a husband has duties appropriate to him, and a wife duties appropriate to her, and a wife cannot enter into duties appropriate to her husband or a husband into duties appropriate to his wife and perform them properly” (Conjugial Love 174). The mother in particular has a special responsibility in nursing and educating the children when they are infants, but as they get older the “primary duties which confederate, affiliate, and bring the souls and lives of two married partners together into one are those which involve their joint concern in bringing up children” (Conjugial Love 176).

Second, is that the husband is to cleave, adhere, or cling to his wife above all others, and seek to become one flesh. The meaning of becoming “one flesh” deserves further explanation as our children get older, because a clear understanding of these few simple words is perhaps one of the greatest keys to having a successful marriage. They need to know that “people who are in a state of truly conjugial love continually wish to be one person, but those who are not in a state of conjugial love want to be two separate individuals” (Conjugial Love 215).

Further, that in a marriage where conjugial love is present, the husband’s and wife’s souls incline toward each other and they gradually desire to think and will as one another, until eventually “they do not wish to lead two lives but one” (Conjugial Love 50). In fact, without this conjunction they feel like “a person divided or half a person” (Conjugial Love 37). Therefore, “the human form is most perfect and most noble when by marriage two forms become one form, thus when the flesh of two becomes one flesh” (Conjugial Love 201). We can tell them about this beautiful description of a heavenly marriage that says, “the wife wills to think and will as the husband, and the husband as the wife, and because each wills this, each is led by the Lord as one, and the two are one angel” (De Conjugio 35). We can also tell them that “marriage is the completion of a person, for by marriage a person becomes a complete person” (Conjugial Love 156).

I wouldn’t stop there in outlining for them the idyllic vision of the marriage between one man and one woman, including this beautiful description from a wise angel in heaven (it is practically a must!): “The Lord’s Divine providence is most specific and therefore most universal in connection with marriages…. It is therefore provided by the Lord that conjugial pairs be born, and they are raised and continually prepared for their marriages, neither the boy nor the girl being aware of the fact. Then, after a period of time, the girl – now a marriageable young woman – and the boy – now a young man able to marry – meet somewhere, as though by fate, and notice each other. And they immediately recognize, as if by a kind of instinct, that they are a match, thinking to themselves from a kind of inner dictate, the young man, ‘She is mine,’ and the young woman, ‘He is mine.’ Later, after this thought has for some time become settled in the minds of each, they deliberately talk about it together and pledge themselves to each other in marriage” (Conjugial Love 316:3).

What an inspiring description of soul mates and eternal love! A partnership where “to feel the joy of another as joy in oneself” is the very definition of loving (Divine Love Wisdom 47). Hopefully, many of you as you were reading these wonderful descriptions of what genuine marriage is meant to be had a gentle smile on your face and were nodding softly in agreement, but chances are there were some of you who felt this paints a picture that looks too much like an unrealistic fairytale. You might even think that this is teaching our children to look at marriage with “rose-colored glasses.”

However, I believe emphasizing the ideal is a useful and sound practice that is well founded in the Heavenly Doctrine. In the book Conjugial Love, approximately three quarters of it talks about the Lord’s hopeful vision of what exquisite joy the marriage of one man and one woman is supposed to bring, while only one quarter details the horrible perversions opposed to marriage that leave people unfulfilled and miserable.

The Heavenly Doctrine does enumerate many of these sexual lusts opposed to marriage to include the lust for fornication and adultery, for deflowering virgins, for variety, for rape, and the lust for seducing the innocent. Significant time is also spent outlining the evils of polygamy as well as the forbidden sexual practices mentioned in Leviticus chapters 18 and 20 including incest, homosexual intercourse, and bestiality, all of which are to be considered “various kinds of adulteries and whoredoms” (Apocalypse Explained 410:11).

In today’s culture, promiscuity, adultery, pornography, and perversion are routine and often praised, to the point where this admonition from Isaiah is especially relevant: “Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who put darkness for light, and light for darkness; who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight!” (Isaiah 5:20-21). Your children will more than ever need you to lift up before their eyes the ideal vision for marriage the Lord prescribes, so that it can provide a beacon of hope that one day they might experience the joy of conjugial love with their partner.

A third concept to make sure they know from an early age is that they have a choice about who they choose to love, how they should appropriately show that love, and that this choice matters. Chastity and modesty are not outdated Victorian concepts, and in fact are necessary in keeping the hellish influences at bay. We’re told that “all in hell are in the lust, lasciviousness and shamelessness of scortatory love, and flee and abhor the chastities and modesties of conjugial love” (Conjugial Love 429). A chaste and modest youth has power from the Lord to keep the filthy influence of the hells away.

One teaching that every young person should be pointed to is that genuine conjugial love between a husband and wife can be found here on earth for those who from their “youth have loved, chosen, and asked of the Lord a legitimate and lovely partnership with one, and who spurn and reject wandering lusts as an offense to their nostrils” (Conjugial Love 49). In an age where pornography is so prevalent and glorifies promiscuity and adultery, this teaching cannot be emphasized enough. Simply put – that kind of filth stinks!

As parents we have a responsibility to be vigilant for our children in this area because we are given many urgent warnings about the dangers of unsupervised youths: “Unrestrained and excessive fornications are like fires which rise up from below and ravage the body…totally consuming it. Care must be exercised by parents to prevent this from happening, because an adolescent boy impelled by lust is not yet able in accordance with reason to impose restraint upon himself” (Conjugial Love 456). Notice that the parents need to help their adolescent children to control themselves.

One angel husband gave this advice to Swedenborg about a voluntary restraint he placed upon himself: “When I look at other men’s wives, I look at them through the eyes of my wife” (Conjugial Love 75:6). In this way he said that “not a trace of lust” could enter into his thoughts and inclinations. Perhaps one way to get this across to our youth is to remind them that the person they are looking at could one day be the partner of someone else, so they should be careful not to entertain dirty thoughts or desires about them.

Don’t be afraid to chaperone them and tell them to keep their hands off each other, for the Lord tells us the “sense proper to conjugial love is the sense of touch” (Conjugial Love 210). Physical intimacy is supposed to be reserved for marriage and in fact we’re told that “the order engraved on conjugial love perishes” when there is a union of the bodies before the wedding (Conjugial Love 305). Premarital sex and living together is often presumed today as normal and even prudent, but the result is that young adults are bringing more and more baggage into their marriages which makes finding truly conjugial love in marriage even more challenging.

The importance of this becomes even greater when we consider the teaching that evils which are practiced become habitual to the point that the adolescent child eventually excuses the evils and even makes them to be allowable and good. This, we are told, is “the fate of those who in early youth plunge into evils without restraint” (Heaven and Hell 533). “Therefore, let mankind beware of bringing evil into act, in this way only can anyone at last abstain from them” (Spiritual Experiences 4479). Now, as parents we have the privilege of helping our teens navigate these challenges of their sexual desires in a permissive culture when they are not yet fully rational human beings. We should take this opportunity to remind and encourage them that they can make choices against their natural desires and against the promiscuous culture of the day.

One inspiring piece of parental advice was delivered by an angel to Swedenborg. He talked about how among the most ancient people the parents “handed down commandments about marriage” for them to keep, and that they were now in turn passing on this wisdom to their descendants: “Children, if you wish to love God and the neighbor and to be wise and happy for ever, we advise you to adopt a monogamous life. If you depart from this commandment, all heavenly love will desert you, and along with it inner wisdom, and you will be banished” (Conjugial Love 77:4).

The end piece of this advice may sound a bit harsh, but it is stating a spiritual reality, which is that if we consistently embrace things that are opposed to what the Lord says about marriage, we will eventually be separated from all those who embrace conjugial love. However, it is important for our youths to know that everyone makes mistakes and that when you make a mistake you are not lost forever, for “so far as anyone shuns all kinds of adultery as sins, so far they love chastity” (Doctrine of Life 74). The key is in rededicating yourself to do a better job at keeping what the Lord commands and not doing the things He forbids. We are told succinctly in the Psalms, “How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word” (Psalm 119:9).

A fourth concept to make sure they understand about marriage is that it is meant to be a covenant between them and the Lord, and based on the previous discussions about covenants, it is important to remind them that the Lord makes the rules of the marriage covenant. The primary directive of the covenant is given by the Lord in the Ten Commandments: “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14). In the New Testament the Lord went on to further clarify the rules of marriage by saying, “whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9). Consequently, “adultery is cause for divorce” because it is diametrically opposed to conjugial love and destroys it “even to the last spark of its life” (Conjugial Love 255). In the Heavenly Doctrine, the Lord goes on to make things even clearer by saying that except for adultery “marriages in the world are to continue to the end of life” and that this is “based on Divine law” (Conjugial Love 276). “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:9). Unfortunately, civil law in many places allows for “no fault” divorce and no longer supports the Divine law that people should continue to honor their marriage covenant except when adultery has been committed. Your children will likely be growing up in a culture that often encourages people to get out of their marriages when they are simply unhappy, so it is important that they learn what the Lord actually teaches.

Part of the marriage covenant has tied into it the hope that the union can last forever in heaven which is why “people who are in a state of truly conjugial love look to eternity in their marriage because eternity is inherent in this love…. Married partners who love each other tenderly think of eternity in regard to the marriage covenant and not at all of its being terminated by death” (Conjugial Love 216:1,4). This is a wonderfully unique teaching of the New Church that is almost universally loved, so bringing your children up to believe in a marriage love that never dies is something they will hopefully come to treasure.

A fifth concept for them to learn is that genuine marriage and religion are completely intertwined, and so it is essential that the Lord become a part of their marriage. He is not only the source of all love, but also the fountain from which conjugial love springs. This is why “no others come into conjugial love and no others can be in it but those who go to the Lord and love the truths of the Church and do her goods” (Conjugial Love 70). “For conjugial love comes only from the Lord, and it is found in people who are made spiritual by Him through His Word” (Conjugial Love 81:5).

As a pastor for many years, it has astounded me that in premarital counseling most couples will warmly embrace the concept that the Lord, religion, and the church need to be a part of their marriage, but then often quickly forget that concept once they have been married. Sadly, all too frequently, they end up having marital problems and wonder what happened. Well, if the Lord who is the source of all love is excluded from the marriage, conjugial love will disappear.

Make sure you teach your children from the time they are young just how closely marriage and religion are connected. Encourage them to look for a partner of the same religion who shares similar beliefs about who God is and how He guides His creation, for conjugial love is “destroyed when the hearts and faith of two married to each other are not alike” (Arcana Coelestia 8998:2). This makes perfect sense when you consider that each person’s idea of God and of “theological matters reside higher than all others in the human mind” (Brief Exposition 40). When a couple looks upwards to the same Lord and Savior then He is able to draw them closer together as they approach Him, but if in the highest regions of their minds they are looking in opposite directions, then religion will end up pulling them apart.

One of the best pieces of advice to share with your children early and often is that “the human inclination toward marriage goes hand in hand with religion at every step. Every little step and every stride away from religion or toward religion is a step or stride away from or toward the conjugial inclination that is...proper to a Christian person” (Conjugial Love 80:2). It is important to warn your children if they are getting seriously interested in marrying a person outside of their church, that they should take time and make sure that they get on the same page about religion, or it will inevitably cause trouble down the road. If this essential foundation of sharing religion is in place, then when they encounter other differences and disagreements, they will be more easily solvable. I know that for my wife and me, we can’t imagine what our marriage would be like if we didn’t share our faith and didn’t see eye to eye on the most essential issues of life. For this reason, we have made this a particular point to emphasize with our children.

One final concept to educate your children about is the purpose for which marriage exists. It goes back to the first recorded command in the Word that God spoke to the man and woman He had created, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28). This simple command ties in with the Lord’s essential goal in the creation of the universe which was “a heaven from the human race” (Divine Providence 332). This is why we’re taught that “the sphere of conjugial love makes one with the sphere of procreating…. Procreation is the end and conjugial love the mediate cause whereby that end is effected” (Conjugial Love 387).

Notice that astonishing statement: procreation is the end, and conjugial love is the mediate cause. This means that marriage is not an end in itself; it was designed to achieve the Lord’s primary end, which is a heaven from the human race. This also means that having children is an important goal in marriage, and in fact the infant body which is formed in the mother’s womb is called in the Heavenly Doctrine “the supreme and ultimate use of Divine Love by means of Divine Wisdom” (Conjugial Love 183:4). What an amazing statement about the importance of children! Make sure that your children know that they are the main goal of your marriage. This perhaps more than anything else will make them feel valued and loved.

Early on in the Academy of the New Church and the General Church, there was a heavy emphasis placed on having children and lots of them because they contributed to the Lord’s end in creation of a heaven from the human race and were therefore the most fruitful field of evangelization. Today large families are often mocked, but I think it is essential for children to understand when they are looking to get married and start a family that the reason conjugial love is called “the chief love of all” is because “it has within it the end of serving the greatest use, namely the propagating of the human race, and therefore of the Lord’s kingdom” (Arcana Coelestia 2039).

I have often told couples that if they are deciding between upgrading from a Hyundai to a Porsche or having another child, that given all the wonderful teachings we have, perhaps another potential angel would be a better use of their disposable income. I have also had people ask half-jokingly if the reason most ministers seem to have large families is because they don’t know what causes pregnancy, to which I respond half-jokingly that it is the only way we know how to effectively increase the size of our congregations. Then I share the real reason I believe this tends to be the case, which is that if you immerse yourselves long enough in the Heavenly Doctrine, it is hard to escape the fact that children are vitally important to the Lord.

One of the most beautiful teachings about this says, “As the procreation of humankind according to Divine order is accomplished through marriages, it is clear how holy marriages are in themselves, that is, from creation, and thus how holy they should be esteemed…. When procreations of the human race are effected by marriages in which the holy love of good and truth from the Lord reigns, then it is on earth as it is in the heavens” (Apocalypse Explained 988:5-6).

Now, sadly, some people do not find their marriage partner on earth or are unable to have children, but as long as they still have the desire for marriage and children then they are still in the flow of the Lord’s Divine Providence. Many of them find different ways to fulfill the Lord’s Divine ends by helping other children get to heaven by adopting them, acting as foster parents, or by becoming mentors or teachers. The key is maintaining the desire to help the Lord accomplish His goals, for “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is His reward” (Psalm 127:3).

A lot has been covered concerning key teachings that our children should be educated about regarding marriage, and one thing that I have frequently heard from parents is that they themselves feel unworthy and inadequate to teach these beautiful ideals to their children because they have fallen short of the ideal. This is the kind of thinking that I believe the hells would love us to adopt. Imagine if we could only teach the truth to others that we had perfectly lived ourselves. None of us would be able to teach our children anything! It is not hypocritical to instruct your children in the ideals of marriage if you genuinely want them to do better than you did. The Lord is concerned with where you are now and what you desire for yourselves and your children in the future. He is not dwelling on your past mistakes, so you should feel free to teach your children about the marriage the Lord wants them to experience.

The reality is that we live in an era where conjugial love has been lost for millennia, but now there is hope among the angels that following the Lord’s Second Coming in the Heavenly Doctrine that “the Lord will revive conjugial love, such as it was among ancient peoples” (Conjugial Love 81:5). This is a hope I vividly remember my father and mother sharing with me, while urging me to strive my best to prepare myself for marriage. Along the way they also reminded me that the hells, who want to destroy the Lord’s New Church, will focus most of their energy on trying to destroy conjugial love.

Based on the culture today being opposed to so many of the Lord’s fundamental teachings about marriage, it may seem as if the hells are winning. However, in the New Church we have the chance to fight back against the hells and educate our children in the beautiful teachings about marriage that the Lord provides for our happiness. For the marriage union of one man and one wife is not only the precious jewel of human life and the repository of the Christian religion; it is also the essential foundation upon which a healthy and happy society is built.

Conjugial love is also the source of all heavenly blessings, blessings that we can experience here on earth with our partner if we look to the Lord. “The states produced by this love are innocence, peace, tranquility, inmost friendship, complete trust, a mutual desire of the mind and heart to do the other every good; also, as a result of all these, bliss, felicity, delight, pleasure, and, owing to an eternal enjoyment of states like this, the happiness of heaven” (Conjugial Love 180). I think all of us would want this for our children, so let’s not fall into the trap of saying the Lord’s rules around marriage are “hard sayings” that are too difficult to keep. The fact is that all commands of the Lord are made from mercy and provide the necessary order for us to have safe and happy relationships. So let’s make sure that our children know that the Lord urges us to keep His commandments about marriage for our benefit and assures us, “These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full” (John 15:11).

Teach Your Children the Unique Lessons of Your History

Artwork by Marguerite Acton

8. Remind Them of Their History

One of the fascinating realizations I had reading through the Old Testament recently was how often the Lord would recount the history of the Israelites to them, by means of either their leaders or prophets. Sometimes it was a fairly lengthy and detailed history, and sometimes just a brief recap of recent events relevant to their particular situation.

In general, it would start with how the Lord called Abram from Ur of the Chaldees to the land of Canaan where the Lord made a covenant with him that he would prosper if he would follow Jehovah. And how his descendants Isaac and Jacob were blessed, until a great famine forced Jacob to send his sons to Egypt for food where they were reunited with Joseph who had become a ruler. Then how the Pharaoh forgot Joseph and enslaved them for many years, until the Lord sent Moses to rescue them with ten great miracles. How they were led through the Red Sea where the Lord destroyed the Egyptian army and delivered them with a strong hand. How they instantly began complaining in the wilderness, until the Lord once again provided for them by giving them water from a rock to drink and manna and quail every day for them to eat. Then the Lord reestablishes His covenant with them through Moses by giving them the Ten Commandments from Mount Sinai in dramatic fashion. Next the Lord offers them an opportunity to return and reclaim the land of Canaan, which they reject out of fear and end up wandering forty years in the wilderness. Joshua then crosses the Jordan, and under his leadership they defeat Jericho and conquer the rest of the land. The Lord then reminds them to follow Him and tells them they will remain blessed in the land of their inheritance, and He again renews the covenant with them through Joshua.

As soon as Joshua dies, however, they forget the Lord and everyone does what is right in his own eyes. So, the Lord raises up a series of twelve judges to deliver them from their enemies and remind them of the covenant. Following the judges, they were led by the great judge and priest Samuel until the people rebelled and desired to be led by a king instead so they could be like all the other nations around them. After ignoring the Lord’s warnings, the people were given Saul as a king, who broke the Lord’s covenant and had the throne taken away. The covenant was reestablished with King David from whose royal line the Lord would be born on earth. Solomon would build the great temple to the Lord, but then turned away after other gods. The kingdom of Israel split into two, with Judah staying under the rule of David’s line and the ten northern tribes forming Israel, for which the Lord established another line of kings starting with Jeroboam. Israel and Judah then each have many evil kings reign over them with very few bright spots along the way. The Lord consistently sends them prophets to remind them of the covenant and urge them to repent and return to following Him. Ultimately, they ignore the prophets, and Israel is taken captive to Assyria and Judah to Babylon. Judah eventually is allowed to return to Jerusalem, but then the prophets go silent until the Lord is born on earth and delivers them once again and makes a new covenant with them.

So why does the Lord so often remind His people of their history? One reason is because children gravitate to the history contained in the literal sense of the Word: “Those narratives have been provided so that children, younger or older, may be introduced through them into reading the Word, for they give children delight and stay in their minds” (Arcana Coelestia 6333:4). Hopefully, as you were reading that quick recap you remembered with some delight many of those stories. We’re told that “when such knowledges as these are known and thought of by a young child, the angels who are with him think of the Divine things which they represent and signify; and because the angels are affected therewith, their affection is communicated, and causes the delight and pleasure which the child experiences” (Arcana Coelestia 3655:5).

Notice, the angels understand the Divine story within the history and are able to communicate that delight to the children who are perhaps merely enthralled with the story itself. So, the recording of history and the recalling of it is to help us see the Lord’s hand within it. For this reason, the “histories of the Word were given, and were so written that all things therein both in general and in particular contain within them things Divine” (Arcana Coelestia 3690:2).

One thing I have noticed is that many of the families I know who have had several generations of children remain engaged in the New Church, seem to have passed on an enthusiastic history about their finding the New Church, their entrance into it, and the role the Lord’s Divine Providence played in leading them. I think that there is a parallel between the delight we have in our personal history with the delight we experience in the historical narratives of the Word so long as they focus on the Lord’s role.

For example, when Joshua was leading the people into Canaan to claim the land of their inheritance, it was a symbol of how we enter into heaven under the Lord’s guidance. As they entered the Jordan river and the feet of the priests carrying the Ark of the Covenant touched the water, the waters piled up on one side so they could cross over on dry land. Joshua then commanded twelve leaders, one from each tribe, to pick up a stone out of the Jordan and make a memorial as a sign and a witness to the Lord’s great power. It is interesting to hear the reason he gave explaining why they were to do this.

He said, “When your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying, ‘What are these stones?’ then you shall let your children know, saying, ‘Israel crossed over this Jordan on dry land’; for the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan before you until you had crossed over, as the Lord your God did to the Red Sea, which He dried up before us until we had crossed over, that all the peoples of the earth may know the hand of the Lord, that it is mighty, that you may fear the Lord your God forever” (Joshua 4:21-24). Again, we see the importance of children knowing their history; where they came from, where they were going, and to notice the hand of the Lord in guiding them. The miracle of parting the Jordan and allowing entrance into Canaan, describes “the introduction of the faithful into the church, and through the church into heaven” (Apocalypse Explained 700:12). The setting up of the memorial stones then shows us that the Lord wants us to remember the history of how we came into the church and tell our children those stories.

As a child, hearing my father, Daniel Heinrichs, tell about how his father and grandfather came into the New Church was not only delightful to me but also an inspiration. The story went something like this: Rev. Fred Waelchli, who was the Pastor in Kitchener, Ontario (called Berlin at that time), went on periodic trips to Western Canada to share the good news of the Lord’s Second Coming in the Heavenly Doctrine. He had advertised in the small town of Rostern, Saskatchewan, that he would be giving a talk on the “Joy of Heaven.” My great grandfather, John Heinrichs, my grandfather Henry, and his brother Erdman, were Mennonites in that area. They were intrigued by the topic because while they loved the work ethic and the devoutness of the Mennonite faith, they always wondered why God would want them to wear black and be somber all the time. Well, Rev. Waelchli’s talk, showing how God wanted us to be happy and enjoy life not only in this world but in heaven to eternity, instantly converted them.

At the age of seventeen, Henry left Rostern in Northern Canada to go attend the Academy of the New Church in Bryn Athyn, Pennsylvania. On his way down, he stopped in Kitchener at the Carmel New Church to visit Rev. Waelchli and was introduced to Ruona Roschman. She was a young lady around the same age and was headed to the Academy as well. They fell in love, and after a long courtship, interrupted by World War I, and following a long engagement apart while Henry finished Theological School, they were married. Henry’s first pastorate was in Denver, Colorado, and the trip moving out there served as their honeymoon. The conversion of my grandfather at that young age and his absolute conviction that led him to pursue becoming a priest, played a role in inspiring my father to also become a priest and me to become a priest and my son Calvin to become a priest.

The story as to how Grandma Ruona came upon the New Church was fascinating as well. Her Uncle Richard Roschman came over from Prussia in Europe to Kitchener, or Berlin, Ontario and came across the New Church. He became enthralled with the teachings and started writing his brother Rudolf Roschman (Ruona’s father) back in Prussia to tell him of this wondrous New Church. Rudolf became convinced his brother was caught up in some strange cult and traveled to Berlin (Kitchener) to rescue him. Instead, he ended up being convinced by the truth in the Heavenly Doctrine and became a pillar of the Carmel New Church congregation. Both conversion stories from my father’s side of the family greatly intrigued me as a child.

My mother, Miriam Smith Heinrichs, also had quite a remarkable family history that brought them to the New Church. Her mother Venita Blair’s grandfather, Rev. William Augustus Fuller was an Episcopalian minister, who in 1867 was the sole survivor of a stagecoach attack by the Cheyenne tribe as he was heading to a new pastorate in Denver. Years later at a new pastorate in Montrose, Pennsylvania, he came across the Heavenly Doctrine and was fully convinced this was the Word of God. He started preaching some of their ideas to his congregation until the Episcopalian Bishop heard about it and ordered him to stop. Ultimately, he decided he could not in good conscience do that, so he resigned, and became a member of the New Church. He had a daughter named Mary Emma Fuller who got pregnant from a boarder named James Gage Blair, a Presbyterian who had immigrated to Pennsylvania from Ireland. They eloped, and ended up having nine children, one of whom was Venita Blair, my grandmother.

Venita married Gilbert Smith, who was the son of Charles Sonntag Smith, who was the son of Sobieski Constantine Smith, who was the son of Nathan Smith, who crossed the Delaware River with George Washington’s troops in 1776 during the Revolutionary War. Sobieski Smith married Mary Sonntag, and Rev. Chauncy Giles, a New Church minister, performed the service. Sobieski and his son Charles were a part of the Academy movement, and Charles was one of the pioneer members of the Bryn Athyn Church and community as it was established.

Venita and Gilbert’s oldest daughter was my mother Miriam Smith, who married my father Rev. Daniel Heinrichs. I was the youngest of their four children. Even though I was born and raised New Church, I did not really make it my own until I went away to study Landscape Architecture at the University of Florida. In the design studio, night after night, I would discuss life and religion with my classmates until the wee hours of the morning. Over time, I realized that all the important questions my friends had no answers for, I could readily find satisfying explanations for in the Heavenly Doctrine.

I started a landscaping business with my brother in Boynton Beach, Florida, and it was there that I met my wife, who was raised at the Carmel New Church in Canada, where my grandparents Henry and Ruona had lived. A few months after we married, I felt the Lord call me to become a minister of the New Church, and I followed in the footsteps of my father and grandfather. My first posting was at the Carmel New Church where we raised our family of six children. A keen interest in having our children grow up and choose to share our faith got me started on researching these principles. The fact that they are older now and starting families of their own has prompted me to write this book. After twenty years in Canada, I was called to be an Assistant Bishop of the General Church overseeing New Church education, and as the saying goes, “the rest is history.”

Now some of you might still be wondering why I am spending so much time talking about the importance of sharing your history with your children. Well, another vital reason has to do with the teaching that we are allowed to “see the Divine Providence in the back and not in the face” which is to “see it after it operates and not before” (Divine Providence 187:1). This concept is stated beautifully in Psalms, where David exclaims: “We have heard with our ears, O God, our fathers have told us, the deeds You did in their days, in days of old: You drove out the nations with Your hand, but them You planted…. For they did not gain possession of the land by their own sword, nor did their own arm save them; but it was Your right hand, Your arm, and the light of Your countenance, because You favored them” (Psalm 44:1-3).

Likewise, history provides us an opportunity to observe in hindsight how the Lord has guided our family and us to become a part of His New Church. I believe the importance of this is magnified when we consider what the Lord tells us about the history of the churches upon this earth and how frequently it is discussed. We’re taught that “there have been in general four churches on this earth since its creation, one after the other” (True Christian Religion 760). The Most Ancient Church came first, followed by the Ancient Church, then came the Jewish or Israelitish Church, and finally at the time of the Lord coming to earth, He established the Christian Church. In the course of time, each church came to an end, and we’re told that “after one church is finished, then a new church comes into existence. This cyclical pattern has continued up to the present time” (True Christian Religion 753).

While the Lord was on earth, He foresaw that the Christian Church would fall and promised that He would come again as the spirit of truth because He had many things left to say to them that they could not yet understand. Then in the book of Revelation, the Lord revealed through the apostle John that He would establish a New Church on the earth, symbolized by the holy city New Jerusalem descending out of heaven from God. The General Church today strives to be an embodiment of that New Church and believes that the Heavenly Doctrine is the spirit of truth the Lord promised to send and that those books constitute the Second Coming of the Lord.

The following teaching inspires me with awe in reflecting on what role I might play. All these churches in history were “divided into grand ages and individual movements over time…. The overall history was shaped by these ecclesiastical epochs; and the epochs were shaped by the general and the individual movements within them” (True Christian Religion 775:2). The gist of that number is that the history of the churches played a major role in the history of the entire human race, and that the individual movements within each of those churches helped to shape that history. The New Church is meant to be “the crown of all the churches that have hitherto existed on the earth” (True Christian Religion 787). We mark the beginning of the New Church as June 19, 1770, so at the writing of this book we are only 250 years into this final epoch of church history!

Now think about your own personal history, as to how you came upon the teachings of the New Church and became interested in it. Chances are, that looking back at the Lord’s Divine Providence, you can see many unique and fascinating turns in the road that led you to where you are at the present moment. What an incredible era we are living in; so a great question to ask yourself is: “Why did the Lord have me born during this time period and what does He be want me to do for His New Church?”

Share your history with your children and ask them that question as they grow older, because this is the kind of thought that leads to a broader perspective of why we are here, and it gives life more meaning as you contemplate what it is the Lord wants from you. He created you to perform a specific use in this world and in heaven. Understanding this concept can help a child feel valued and worthwhile because they realize that they are needed.

It was fascinating that when I was in Cote d’Ivoire attending clergy meetings, I presented this concept of history being important, particularly the stories of how the Lord had led them to the New Church, and it was enthusiastically received. I think the reason they received it well was because, of the thirty-four ministers in the room, every single one of them was a first-generation New Church person, so the history was recent and very fresh in their minds. The excitement that they communicated in their stories about how the Lord had led them to the New Church will be vital for them to share with their children and grandchildren.

Jewish people have done a fairly good job of keeping their children rooted in their faith and part of their tradition as commanded by the Lord. This is still observed yearly by Orthodox Jews in the Feast of Tabernacles. During this weeklong feast they are to build shelters like the tents their ancestors lived in during their forty years in the wilderness. They then read the Torah to their children and specifically recount the history of how they had disobeyed the Lord, how they had to wander forty years in the wilderness, how Lord provided for them all those difficult years, and finally how He led them to prosperity in the land of Canaan.

I hope some of these stories have inspired you to think more about your own history and all the ways in which the Lord has guided and led you to the New Church. Make sure to share that remarkable journey with your children, and as they get older you can add in more and more detail. Also, don’t be afraid to include the difficult parts of the history and any struggles and mistakes that you or your ancestors may have made, because the Lord led you through those times as well. In this way your children will grow up with a greater appreciation for their unique place in history and for the miracle of the subtle hand of the Lord’s Divine Providence.

Moses commanded the people saying: “Remember the days of old, consider the years of many generations. Ask your father, and he will show you; your elders, and they will tell you” (Deuteronomy 32:7). “You shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not…. And you shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you power to get wealth, that He may establish His covenant which He swore to your fathers” (Deuteronomy 8:2,18).

Caleb and Joshua Trust in the Lord’s Promise of a Bountiful Land

Artwork by Marguerite Acton

9. Promote the Affirmative Principle

One of the most important concepts revealed in the Heavenly Doctrine centers around the way in which we can become genuinely intelligent and wise. As we educate and raise our children to become an active part of the New Church and eventually angels of heaven, the communication of this idea to them is of paramount importance. The Heavenly Doctrine calls this concept the “affirmative principle” and in the Psalms we see the essence of this principle captured beautifully. “Blessed are You, O Lord! Teach me Your statutes…. I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies, as much as in all riches…. I will delight myself in Your statutes; I will not forget Your word. Deal bountifully with Your servant, that I may live and keep Your word. Open my eyes, that I may see wondrous things from Your law” (Psalm 119:12-18).

Notice how the feeling evoked in that Psalm is one of eagerness and a desire to be taught from the Word and accept what the Lord says as the law of our life. One of my favorite stories from the Word as a child, which demonstrates the affirmative principle was when Moses was sending the twelve spies to do a reconnaissance mission to the land of Canaan. The Israelites had escaped Egypt, recently received the Ten Commandments, were dwelling in the wilderness, and the Lord was leading them back to Canaan so they could reclaim their inheritance.

The twelve spies that were sent included Joshua and Caleb. Now the fascinating part of the story to me was that they all saw the same things, but what they chose to focus on was incredibly different. The ten other spies’ impression of the land was that the cities were fortified and large, with strong enemies everywhere. All the people of the land were men of great stature and there were numerous giants who were so big that the spies felt like grasshoppers in their presence. The land was so rugged that it devoured its inhabitants and the armies were stronger than they were; therefore, they concluded that they should not go up and take the land.

However, Joshua and Caleb – who also saw the cities, armies, and giants – focused on other things like the abundant pomegranates and figs and a cluster of grapes they brought back that was so large they had to carry it on a pole between two men’s shoulders. Then they tore their clothes and said: “The land we passed through to spy out is an exceedingly good land. If the Lord delights in us, then He will bring us into this land and give it to us, ‘a land which flows with milk and honey.’ Only do not rebel against the Lord” (Numbers 14:7-9). Their conclusion was that the Lord would give them the land as He had promised, and so they urged the people, “Let us go up at once and take possession, for we are well able to overcome it” (Numbers 13:30).

As a child, I was impressed that Joshua and Caleb focused on the positive. Yes, there were strong enemies, but they instead noticed all the good things. While the other ten spies acknowledged that it was a land flowing with milk and honey, they instead chose to focus on all the obstacles. However, what really captures the affirmative principle in the story even more is the simple fact that Joshua and Caleb believed the Lord’s word that He spoke to Moses when He said that He would deliver them and bring them “to a good and large land, to a land flowing with milk and honey” (Exodus 3:8). He had promised that He would deliver all the enemies into their hand, so they accepted His word as true and said, “Let’s go!” Whereas the other ten spies doubted what the Lord said and thought it would be impossible, even though we are told explicitly in the Word that “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).

The Heavenly Doctrine perfectly sums up these two fundamental approaches to life. “There are therefore two principles; one of which leads to all folly and insanity, and the other to all intelligence and wisdom. The former principle is to deny all things, or to say in the heart that we cannot believe them until we are convinced by what we can apprehend, or perceive by the senses; this is the principle that leads to all folly and insanity, and is to be called the negative principle. The other principle is to affirm the things which are of doctrine from the Word, or to think and believe within ourselves that they are true because the Lord has said them: this is the principle that leads to all intelligence and wisdom, and is to be called the affirmative principle” (Arcana Coelestia 2568:4).

This is one of those paragraphs that is worth photocopying and sticking up on the fridge so that both you and your children are constantly reminded of the secret that “leads to all intelligence and wisdom.” Namely, that regarding the teachings from the Word we need “to think and believe within ourselves that they are true, because the Lord has said them!” In certain ways this sounds naïve, and I know some people in the New Church might be quick to ask, “What about the famous ‘Nunc Licet’ inscription on the New Church temple in heaven?” This phrase, stated more fully, tells us that “now it is permitted to enter with the understanding into the mysteries of faith” (True Christian Religion 508:3).

So, are we to just simply accept what the Lord says is true, or are we supposed to think about it in our understanding, question it, and explore it? The answer is yes to both. It really has to do with how you are approaching it from the beginning. If it is from a place of innocence and a willingness to be led by the Lord, then you will see thousands of things throughout the Word, in science, philosophy, and nature to confirm, corroborate, and strengthen those truths. However, if you are approaching the Lord’s Word with a pessimistic attitude, negative doubt, and skepticism, then you will find a multitude of reasons to deny it, reject it, and dismiss it as false.

The Lord doesn’t just want us to accept things blindly; He wants us to ultimately understand the truths in His Word. What is being talked about with the affirmative principle is how to do this in an orderly and appropriate way. The fact is we all will have doubts along the way and things we don’t fully comprehend. We are actually encouraged to ask questions about what the Lord says in the Word, but the way in which you ask those questions is what makes all the difference. We’re told that “there are those who are in doubt before they deny, and there are those who are in doubt before they accept affirmatively” (Arcana Coelestia 2568:6).

We see these two kinds of doubt portrayed in the Christmas story. Both Zacharias and Mary were delivered astounding news. Zacharias was told that his wife Elizabeth, who was very old, would have a child named John who would become a great prophet preparing the way for the coming Savior. Mary’s news was even more unbelievable! She was told that her child would be the Son of God and that the power of the Highest would overshadow her and cause the pregnancy. Notice both had questions about these words of the Lord, and on the surface their responses were similar. Zacharias asked, “How shall I know this? For I am an old man, and my wife is well advanced in years” (Luke 1:18). Mary asked, “How can this be, since I do not know a man?” (Luke 1:34).

In his response Zacharias was looking for a sign. He wanted some natural proof and was not willing to believe until it could be rationally explained and confirmed by facts. He wanted to KNOW for sure that the Lord had the power to give his barren wife a child. And so the angel gave him a sign of the Lord’s power, and he was immediately struck dumb and unable to speak until the Lord’s words had been fulfilled. This is an example of the negative doubt that the Lord warns us against, where we are looking for reasons to deny the truth of what He says.

However, Mary’s response to the glad tidings of the angel Gabriel was different. She asked, “How can this be?” Mary, it is true, also expressed some doubt, but she was not asking for a sign or proof. She was not doubting that she would be the mother of the long-awaited Messiah Jesus; she was simply and innocently asking HOW this would happen. After all, she was a virgin, and not yet married. Mary wonderfully displays for us an affirmative attitude toward the words of the Lord. As impossible as those words sounded, and even though they might have completely disrupted and changed her life, she believed them. She trusted that, just as the angel said, they were glad tidings of great joy and simply responded, “Behold the handmaiden of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word” (Luke 1:38). This is the essence of the affirmative principle, to believe that the Word of the Lord is true, simply because He said so!

Our children need to be encouraged in this affirmative attitude as they get older. In early childhood, from the remains of innocence that they have received, they are initially very willing to affirm what the Lord says. If you read them the creation story, it makes perfect sense to them that God created all things. They are not doubting that He could have done it in six days, or questioning where the light came from on the first day when the sun, moon and stars weren’t created until the fourth day. They are more in the state of the celestial angels who no longer debate or discuss truths endlessly, but perceive immediately whether the thing is true or not. This is the affirmative attitude the Lord wants us to develop and why He says, “Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one” (Matthew 5:37).

Unfortunately, as our children get older and their innocence begins to fade, their sweet spirit of affirmation for what the Lord teaches as being true also begins to lessen. This is why we must work hard to continually encourage them to remain in the affirmative principle, because it is not only the way that will lead to “all intelligence and wisdom,” but it is also the way that allows them to receive the blessings of the Lord’s inflowing love and good. The fact is that “good cannot inflow into what is negative, nor even into what is full of doubt, until this becomes affirmative” (Arcana Coelestia 3913:5). The reality is that we will struggle to maintain the affirmative principle throughout our lives, particularly in temptations, where we hang between an affirmative outlook and a negative one. During this time, the evil spirits do all they can to cause doubts about the Lord’s Word and “infuse a negative outlook, but good spirits and angels from the Lord in every way disperse that doubting attitude, all the time preserving a feeling of hope and in the end strengthening an affirmative outlook” (Arcana Coelestia 2338).

In adolescence, children can get very negative toward the Word at times, and it is wise for us as parents to do the best that we can to ensure that they don’t become entrenched in the negative principle. We’re told the fate of those in the other life who have become hardened against what the Lord teaches. The Heavenly Doctrine says “if they are shown a thousand times, and then another thousand times, that it is so, still they advance negative doubts against every proof that is offered…. So blind are they on this account that they have not common sense, that is, they cannot comprehend what good and truth are” (Arcana Coelestia 2588:9). For this reason, I remember my Dad taking every opportunity to remind me to always remain affirmative to whatever the Lord said even when it did not make sense to me, and give Him the benefit of the doubt, and then trust that in time I would come to a place where I understood it.

Today our children are living in a culture that seems to have no common sense, where people have lost any sight of what is really good and true and are often very negative toward the Word. Likely, the things that will be a challenge for your children as they get older are some of the allegedly hard sayings around marriage, divorce, and the distinct nature of the two sexes. They will be tempted to call the Word outdated and the Heavenly Doctrine culturally biased. They will be pressured to deny what the Lord teaches and go with the latest popular theory of the day. They will be persuaded to put the so-called established facts of science ahead of their faith and make it superior to what the Lord directly teaches in the Word.

However, in the New Church we have a unique opportunity to change the culture, because we are told that there are two foundations of truth, “one from the Word” and the other from “the truths of nature,” and that these two foundations agree with one another (Spiritual Experiences 5709). By teaching the affirmative principle to our children from an early age, they will be able to enter into the mysteries of faith with understanding. They will know to start from a humble acceptance that what the Lord says in His Word and in the Heavenly Doctrine must be true. They will understand that it is normal to have doubts and questions along the way, but that their questions should be ones that are looking to affirm what the Lord says. In time, they will come to see that there are myriads of scientific facts and philosophical studies which confirm and strengthen what the Lord teaches.

Ultimately, it comes down to two basic attitudes that we can develop, one based on the negative principle that leads to “all folly and insanity” and the other based on the affirmative principle which leads to “all intelligence and wisdom.” Let’s do our part as parents to demonstrate the affirmative principle to our children in all we do and say, so that they can become truly wise people who love the Lord’s Word and are blessed because of it. May they grow up to resonate with the words of this Psalm: “Oh, how I love Your law! It is my meditation all the day. You, through Your commandments, make me wiser than my enemies; for they are ever with me. I have more understanding than all my teachers, for Your testimonies are my meditation. I understand more than the elders because I keep Your precepts” (Psalm 119:96-100).

Key Teaching

“There are two principles from which people think, a negative and an affirmative; and that those think from the negative principle, who believe nothing unless they are convinced by what is of reason and memory-knowledge; nay, by what is of sense; but those think from the affirmative who believe that things are true because the Lord has said so in the Word, thus who have faith in the Lord. They who are in the negative in regard to a thing being true because it is in the Word, say at heart that they will believe when they are persuaded by things rational and memory-knowledges. But the fact is that they never believe; and indeed they would not believe if they were to be convinced by the bodily senses of sight, hearing, and touch…. But those who are in the affirmative, that is, who believe that things are true because the Lord has said so, are continually being confirmed, and their ideas enlightened and strengthened, by what is of reason and memory-knowledge, and even by what is of sense.”

Arcana Coelestia 2588:2

A Child Looking to Choose the Better Path

Artwork by Nancy Schnarr-Bruell

10. Give Them a Choice – But Make it Clear!

One of the leading ideas of the Post-Modern era is that truth is relative and that there is no such thing as absolute truth. We see this demonstrated in statements like: “Well that might be true for you, but it’s not for me,” “To each his own,” or “That’s just your opinion.” This is even manifested when it comes to clear statements in the Word, where a common refrain is, “Well, that’s your interpretation of it.” This can make parenting very difficult, when children are conditioned culturally from an early age to think that there are no clear answers, no absolute authority, no definitive truths, and that everything is relative. This also can make the world seem like an unsafe place, and can make the Church seem directionless and unreliable, rather than a bastion of truth or a beacon of light set on a mountain for all to see.

This problem of relative thinking and situational ethics, though prevalent today, is not exactly new. Swedenborg describes a discussion he was having with spirits who believed that there was no such thing as absolute truth, and they referred to Pilate’s famous question to the Lord; “What is truth?” as justification. Swedenborg was given to reply from the Lord “that all the knowledges of faith are verities, that truths are eternal, and that whatever is of the truth of faith is an eternal truth; but that while circumstances may affect, they do not take away truths” (Spiritual Experiences 3537). So, we know that while we may all understand truths variously, it does not mean that everything becomes relative and circumstantial. Murder, adultery, theft, and lying don’t suddenly become good choices. They are still wrong even though there may be extenuating circumstances that mitigate the damage done and even allow for the Lord to bring some good out of it.

We know from the Heavenly Doctrine that the ability to make choices is absolutely essential for us to develop spiritually and eventually to be saved by choosing to live with the Lord in heaven under His rules. This is why the first law of the Lord’s Divine Providence states that we “should act from freedom according to reason” (Divine Providence 71). Therefore, as our children grow up it is imperative for us to give them opportunities to choose and exercise their freedom according to reason. However, note that they must be at an age where they are able to reason and that we can help them by making the good choices obvious and desirable.

We see the Lord employ this strategy throughout the Word, where He outlines clearly to people what is right and wrong, and then lets them choose. I would say He even tries to stack the deck in our favor, but ultimately the choice comes down to us. The idea of two basic choices goes right back to the infancy of the human race. Think about the creation story: the simple choice between life and death was clearly portrayed right at the beginning of the Scriptures. “Out of the ground the Lord God made every tree grow that is pleasant to the sight and good for food. The tree of life was also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil…. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, ‘Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die’” (Genesis 2:9-17).

Two trees. One gave life – the other brought death. This should have been an obvious choice to make, right? However, human propriums don’t like to be told what to do and constantly try to muddy the waters. Even when presented with black-and-white options, our propriums will seek to find fifty shades of gray, and then enflame and manipulate our understanding to find reasons to justify what we want to do. This is portrayed so clearly in the story. The serpent, symbolizing thought from the senses, convinces Eve, symbolizing our proprium, that the forbidden tree of the knowledge of good and evil is actually desirable and good for food. Eve in turn convinces Adam to eat of the tree as well. When the Lord approached them, Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent, and no one was willing to take responsibility for their choices.

This happened even though the Lord made the two choices so obvious and clear. Imagine if the Lord had been trying to confuse them! The problem is that our propriums like to reason endlessly and justify and twist things to suit our natural desires. When people do this regularly, they become of such a nature that “in regard to falsities, they do not reason whether these be so or not, but they instantly affirm them; whereas in regard to goods and truths they carry on a continual ratiocination, which terminates in what is negative” (Arcana Coelestia 3224:2). One frightening passage says that “ratiocinators are the arms and hands of evil spirits” (Spiritual Experiences 4364). As a teenager, my mother would call me a “ratiocinator” every time I started to try and debate and reason my way around some very clear choice she was giving me. At the time I considered it a term of endearment, but now I recognize that the label she had bestowed upon me was not meant to be a compliment! Today, every time I fall into a pattern of dubious justification, I can hear Mom reminding me not to be a “ratiocinator.”

I continue to ask myself the question, “Am I being a ratiocinator?” whenever I find myself needlessly debating some idea from the Lord’s Word. We’re told that sensual people never “see any truth in its own light, but ratiocinate and dispute about everything, whether it is so” and that in the other world these endless debates are heard as “the gnashing of teeth” (Apocalypse Revealed 435). Swedenborg once posed a simple question to some of these people in the other world: “What must be the nature of a person’s religion for him to be saved by it?” (Conjugial Love 232:3). They immediately replied that they would have to break this down into four, five, or maybe many more questions in order to answer it, such as whether religion is real or not, whether there is such a thing as salvation, whether there is a heaven or a hell; and so they went on and on complicating it to a point of complete confusion.

This is why the Lord often urges us to keep it simple. One neat description in the other world talks about innocent people who simply believed that there was one God who ruled all things and yet had “heard so many disputes and ratiocinations concerning various things pertaining to the Lord and concerning faith in Him” that they yearned for the company of others who also saw these obvious truths (Spiritual Experiences 4441). I believe children in the world today need some of this simplicity, where there is an obvious right and an obvious wrong. In fact, I think they yearn for it.

After forty years of wandering in the wilderness, when the Lord was preparing the new generation of Israelites to finally go and take back the land of Canaan, He gave them these words: “This commandment which I command you today is not too mysterious for you, nor is it far off…. But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may do it. I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live” (Deuteronomy 30:14-19). Notice the clarity of the choice He was giving them – life or death! He even told them the right answer and urged them to take it.

Part of the reason this strategy works is that we learn by opposites or by contrast. We’re told in the Heavenly Doctrine that “one learns from evil what good is, indeed one knows the nature of good from its opposite, to be exact. Every perception of something is arrived at by relating it to, and reflecting on its differences from, things that are contrary to it in varying ways and degrees” (Arcana Coelestia 7812). This strategy is also employed later in life when we enter into states of temptation. The evil spirits present at that time infuse the opposite or contrary idea to what the Lord has instilled in our conscience, and as we contrast, compare, and then choose, we come into a greater clarity about the quality of each. “For no one knows what is good without also knowing what is not good, nor what is true without knowing what is not true” (Arcana Coelestia 5356).

In the final analysis, it’s not that complicated. The Heavenly Doctrine tells us that all our choices stem from four basic loves: two good and two evil. Love to the Lord and love toward the neighbor are the good ones – and the love of the world and the love of dominion from the love of self are the evil ones. There are no shades of gray that connect these four loves together. They are polar opposites. In the spiritual world, love to the Lord is the highest love and the ruling love of the celestial kingdom. Love toward the neighbor is just below, and it rules in the spiritual kingdom. Then comes the world of spirits. Below the world of spirits is the satanic hell where love of the world rules. And beneath that the diabolical hell, where love of dominion from the love of self rules.

The world of spirits is that region in the middle between heaven and hell, and is described as a “great gulf fixed” between heaven and hell so that no one can be on both sides at the same time (Luke 16:26). The world of spirits is also called in the Word “the valley of decision,” because this is where our rational minds reside while we are living in this world, though we are not consciously aware of it (Joel 3:14). The picture of the world of spirits as an intermediate space between heaven and hell is an important one for us to visualize. We’re told that “the freedom of choice resulting from this is the ability to will and to think from the Lord, that is, from the Word, and also the ability to will and to think from the devil, that is, contrary to the Lord and the Word” (True Christian Religion 371:6).

I think this is why the image of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other is popular imagery with children. It helps us to picture the state of equilibrium we are kept in, and to see clearly that we have two basic choices when we boil it all down. We look upwards to the Lord and move toward heaven, or we turn away to ourselves and step downward to hell. So the Lord kept it simple for His disciples and instructed them saying: “No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon” (Luke 16:13).

There are perilous spiritual consequences when we try to straddle that great gulf fixed between heaven and hell. So the Lord sent Elijah to warn the children of Israel, saying; “How long will you falter between two opinions? If Jehovah is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him” (I Kings 18:21). The Lord also gave this graphic admonition to the Laodiceans in the Book of Revelation: “You are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then because you are neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth” (Revelation 3:15-16). This forceful warning describes the consequences of mixing things together and not making a choice between the two. A ratiocinator who tries to confuse or mix together the evils and falsities of hell with the goods and truths of heaven becomes a profaner and is internally torn apart.

This is why teaching our children to make choices is essential to their development. They need to be in the habit of making choices and learning how to differentiate between what is good and true versus what is evil and false. We can help them with this by making it easier for them. Let them know early on that there is such a thing as absolute truth, and it is to be found in the Lord’s Word.

Discuss with them that things are not all relative or merely shades of gray, but that there are clearly things that are right and things that are wrong. Don’t overly complicate things or give them more complex ideas than they can handle. Give them clear simple choices so that they can get in the habit of being able to make the good ones more easily. As they get older, they will naturally want to make things more murky, but don’t be afraid to challenge them on their ratiocinations and remind them that black is still black and white is white. One helpful construct that my father gave me was when he told me: “Son, you may not accept or fully understand everything yet, but as you leave home and go out into the world, hopefully these truths from the Word will be a beacon of light on a hill and guide you like a compass back home.”

Ultimately, every child will have to choose on their own in adulthood what they will believe and whom they will serve, because no one can be “driven by force or compulsion to serve the Lord” (Spiritual Experiences 2601). However, we can help them along the way and exhort them, as Joshua did the Israelites, to make the obviously good choice: “Serve the Lord! And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:14-15).

Key Teaching

“In order that such reciprocal conjunction may exist, there is granted to man freedom of choice, giving him the ability to walk in the way to heaven or in the way to hell. From this freedom that is given to man flows his ability to reciprocate, which enables him to conjoin himself with the Lord, and also with the devil…. The freedom of choice resulting from this is the ability to will and to think from the Lord, that is, from the Word, and also the ability to will and to think from the devil, that is, contrary to the Lord and the Word. This freedom the Lord gives to man to enable him to conjoin himself reciprocally with the Lord, and by conjunction be gifted with eternal life and blessedness.”

True Christian Religion 371:2, 6

Mary Chooses to Be a Servant to the Lord Her Master

Artwork by Marguerite Acton

11. Help Them Decide Who They Want to Be (Master, Servant, or Slave)

The last two chapters, about promoting the affirmative principle toward the Word and giving our children clear choices to make, are laying the groundwork for them eventually to decide as an adult whether they want to be a master, a servant, or a slave. This can become a little bit tricky in adolescence and young adulthood because of the desire for independence, autonomy, and freedom from authority. The fact is all of us to some degree like the idea of being in control and the master of our own fate.

The Heavenly Doctrine underscores this point: “Every person wishes to be free and to escape a lack of freedom or condition of servitude. Every boy who is under a schoolmaster wishes to be independent and thus free. So, too, every servant under his master, or maidservant under her mistress. Every unmarried girl wishes to leave her father's house and marry in order to act freely in her own house. Every adolescent youth who wants to work at some craft, or to engage in some business, or to perform some official duty, wishes, as long as he is in servitude under others, to be released in order to be his own master” (Divine Providence 148).

We’re told that our first state is one of humility and obedience to our parents, but that the second state is when a person becomes his “own master and chooser, or freely exercises his own will and understanding, and has control in his own home” (True Christian Religion 106). The Lord wants us to have this feeling of autonomy and of being our own master because this is necessary for us to eventually in freedom choose to follow Him and submit ourselves to living under the rules of His kingdom.

This ties in to one of the themes in this book, As for Me and My House, We Will Serve the Lord, which has to do with the leadership of the family in the home. Ultimately, you want that leader to be the Lord, but during the phase of life where you are raising children, the parents model that authority. This concept can be helpful to teenagers to understand. My parents stated it simply to me on numerous occasions: “Our house – our rules.” Whenever I didn’t agree with some decision that was made and failed to convince them by my arguments, Dad would usually end up saying: “As long as you are under our roof, you have to abide by our rules. However, when you are ready to go live on your own, you can make the rules you want for your house.” This I found strangely comforting, because it gave me hope that one day I would be in charge!

However, in the end we must accept that the Lord alone is to be the only master and ruler in our lives. The Lord makes this clear in many direct statements. “For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome” (Deuteronomy 10:17). “The Lord of lords and King of kings” (Revelation 17:14). “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End…Who is, and Who was, and Who is to come, the Almighty” (Revelation 1:8). “I am the First and I am the Last; besides Me there is no God” (Isaiah 44:6). “My glory will I not give to another” (Isaiah 42:8). These teachings are hard for our proprium to accept because they leave no room for us to be our own ruler. It gets even more difficult when we consider the following teaching that tells us the sense of autonomy we experience from our proprium is actually given to us by the Lord – it is not ours: “the Lord alone possesses Proprium…. The Lord’s Proprium is Life, and from His Proprium man’s proprium, which in itself is dead, is given life” (Arcana Coelestia 149).

Therefore, it becomes clear that the feeling of being our own master is actually just a means to the end of accepting the Lord as our master. To make this point even clearer, we’re told that “the Lord desires any person’s total submission so that He can make him blissful and happy. That is, He does not want a person to be partly his own man and partly the Lord’s, for then there are two masters whom a person cannot serve simultaneously” (Arcana Coelestia 6138:2).

The reality that the Lord wants our total submission is the hard part that many a young person has a difficult time coming to grips with. Often, they are willing to accept the Lord as the leader in some aspects of their life but offering total submission to His will is something that our sense of self bristles at. I can remember when that realization hit me for the first time when I was away from home, enjoying the fact that I was my own master and didn’t have to listen to Dad and Mom anymore, and then finding that the Lord would be telling me what to do through my conscience that He had instilled in me with the help of my parents!

Swedenborg recalled a tender scene in which his father came to him in a dream and told him that the Lord must now be his father by sharing this advice with him: “When a son becomes his own master, and competent to think for himself, and seems to himself to be able to direct himself from himself, then the Lord must be his Father” (Arcana Coelestia 6492). It is critical for adolescents to understand that this is the way things are designed to be. Just when you are becoming old enough to not have your parents be your master and have authority over you, and just as you are feeling for the first time that you are in fact your own master, at the same time you get an early niggling awareness that in the end you must accept the Lord as your master.

The paradox that all of us must come to terms with is that the more we seek to be our own master, the more we end up becoming a slave to our own selfish loves as we trample other people to get our own way. This is what the Lord meant when He said, “whoever commits sin is a slave of sin. And a slave does not abide in the house forever” (John 8:34-35). The Lord spelled this out even further to His disciples when He said that “no one should call his father on earth father, or anyone teacher or master, because one is their Father, Teacher and Master” (De Verbo 5:3, cf. Matthew 23:8-10). If we confirm ourselves in wanting to be our own master instead of the Lord, then we confirm ourselves in the love of self where we want to have dominion over others and want everyone to serve us. This is a hellish love that eventually enslaves us, and so the Lord warned the children of Israel, “because you did not serve the Lord your God with joy and gladness of heart, for the abundance of everything, therefore you shall serve your enemies” (Deuteronomy 28:47-48). Likewise, the Lord urges us to remember for our own wellbeing and happiness that “a disciple is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master” (Matthew 10:24).

The Lord showed us by living example that desiring to serve rather than be a ruler or master is how we should approach life, and so He said that even He who is the only real Ruler and Master “did not come to be served, but to serve” (Mark 10:45). We’re also told that “everyone, in whatever degree of dignity, ought to serve” (Charity 172). Perhaps the greatest challenge during the teen years, as they seek to have their own authority and independence, is to get them to buy into the concept that they really want to become a servant to the Lord instead of striving to be their own master and selfishly want others to serve them.

The reality is that all of us do have the love of self within us, but it becomes a dangerous liability when we let it become dominant and place it higher in our minds than loving the Lord and the neighbor. The proper ordering of the four major motivating loves is supposed to be: love to the Lord first, love toward the neighbor second, followed by love of the world – including reputation, honor, and gain in the third place – and lastly, in fourth place, comes the love of self. In this order, we are like a properly upright human being, standing tall with our feet firmly on the ground.

However, at birth we start, as it were, upside down. Love of self comes first, love of the world second, love toward the neighbor third, and last comes love to the Lord. In this upside-down state the order is the opposite of what it should be, so “in the course of regeneration a person must be wholly inverted, and that when he has been inverted he has his head in heaven, but that before he has been inverted he has his head in hell” (Arcana Coelestia 8995:4). This is such a clear visual to provide for adolescents: when they want to be the head or the master, they are actually upside-down with their head in hell. But if they want to use their free will and make the choice to obey the Lord and serve their neighbor, then their head is in heaven and their lower parts are below in their proper order. This was the promise the Lord made to the children of Israel when Moses told them: “And the Lord will make you the head and not the tail; you shall be above only, and not be beneath, if you heed the commandments of the Lord your God, which I command you today, and are careful to observe them” (Deuteronomy 28:13).

It is unlikely by the time your children leave your home that they will have fully committed to serving the Lord above all else and want to be His servant rather than being their own master. However, as parents we can introduce this vital concept to them so that they gain a beginning understanding of this confusing paradox: the more you desire to be the master – the more you become a slave and unhappy; but the more you desire to be a servant – the more authority you are given and the happier you will be. As the Lord said in the parable of the talents to the one who made the most use of the five talents he was given: “Well done, good and faithful servant! You were faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master” (Matthew 25:21).

Hopefully, in time our children will come to see that “to serve the Lord, by doing according to His commandments, and thus by obeying Him, is not to be a servant, but is to be free” (Arcana Coelestia 8988:2). And so the Lord encourages all of us: “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:31-32).

Key Teaching

“The Lord desires any person's total submission so that He can make him blissful and happy. That is, He does not want a person to be partly his own man and partly the Lord’s, for then there are two masters whom a person cannot serve simultaneously. The need for total submission is perfectly clear from the Church's first commandment, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. This is the first commandment’ Mark 12:30. Thus since love to the Lord does not come from man but from the Lord Himself, all his heart, all his soul, all his mind, and all his strength, which are recipients, must be the Lord's; they must therefore be submitted totally to Him.”

Arcana Coelestia 6138:2-3

Parents Set Realistic Expectations from the Word for Their Child

Artwork by Nancy Schnarr-Bruell

12. Help Them Be Realistic – They’re Not Perfect and Neither are You

As your children grow up, they will become increasingly aware that their parents, who are instructing them on how they should live, are not perfect either. Teenagers, in particular, have a nose for sniffing out hypocrisy in others, and they might at times call your bluff and suggest that maybe you should practice what you preach!

It is important that they do not get the sense that you look down on them as though they are lesser human beings than you, and the only ones who are doing things wrong, while you set yourself up on a pedestal as the perfect person who never makes a mistake. There is a wonderful parable in the gospels about a Pharisee and a tax collector going to pray that clearly captures this damaging, self-righteous attitude. While the tax collector prayed with humility and a full realization of his shortcomings, the Pharisee prayed, “God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess” (Luke 18:11-12). Sometimes our children sense this attitude from us when they feel like we are constantly telling them how good we are, while pointing out all their faults and, in essence, thanking God that we are not like them.

We always need to keep in mind the main point of that parable of the Lord which He concluded with the words, “everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted” (Luke 18:14). It is important that we have a spirit of humility that our children can sense is authentic. In fact, this striking teaching says that the quality of heavenly love “consists in not only saying but also acknowledging and believing that one is utterly undeserving, and something worthless and filthy, which the Lord in His infinite mercy is constantly drawing away and holding back from the hell into which the person constantly tries, and indeed longs, to cast himself. He acknowledges and believes this because it is the truth. Not that the Lord or any angel wishes him to acknowledge and believe it just to gain his submission, but that he may not exalt himself” (Arcana Coelestia 1594:4).

I remember one mother found a brilliant way to convey this truth to her daughter. The daughter wanted to go to an unchaperoned party where both guys and girls would be present. The mother said that she could not go, and her teenage daughter complained that she didn’t trust her. The mother responded, “I do trust you – I trust that you will act just like I did when I was your age, and that is why I am not letting you go.” When our children can see that we do not view ourselves as superior human beings to them, and have no desire to exalt ourselves over them, then they will be more willing to receive correction from us when we address their behavior.

The sobering reality is that the faults, shortcomings, and tendencies toward bad behavior in our children come from us. We pass down to our children the things that we have struggled to deal with in our own lives. We’re told that “parents pile up evils, and from practicing these frequently until at length they

become habitual, introduce them into their own nature and disposition, and in so doing hand them down by heredity to their offspring” (Arcana Coelestia 2910:4).

One startling example of this for me as a young parent was when my wife and I were driving our two-year-old daughter home from Church and some driver veered directly in front of our car. My daughter promptly yelled, “Look at that stupid idiot!” I was shocked and sternly admonished her, and just as I was about to say, “Where did you get that kind of behavior from,” the answer became glaringly obvious. She got it from me.

As parents, there is a benefit to knowing that all the hereditary tendencies toward evils we see in our children have come from us. Hopefully, this will allow us to show more patience and compassion in dealing with them. Often, we have trouble seeing evil in ourselves, but it is much easier to spot it in someone else. This is why at times we can be hard on our children; we see the evils we struggle with manifested in their behavior like in a mirror, and so we admonish them for it. However, this also becomes an opportunity for us to examine ourselves and decide to amend our behaviors as well.

When our children are younger, because we represent to them an early vision of the Lord, they tend to view us with rose-colored glasses, which is appropriate and necessary. Though, inevitably as they get older, they start to notice that we are far from the perfect people they initially had thought we were, and this provides a powerful teaching opportunity for us as parents. When we have an outburst of anger, when we unfairly discipline them, when we stretch the truth, when we gossip about another, or when we say something less than respectful to our spouse, then we have a chance to show our children how we deal with our faults. We can acknowledge our wrongdoings, say we are sorry, and promise to try and do better.

These small visible acts of simple repentance demonstrate two things to our children. One is that we do not view ourselves as superior to them but that we are all human beings dedicated to becoming better people. The second is that this process of regeneration is ongoing and that we are all works in progress. We’re taught that “regeneration or the implantation of the life of heaven with a person begins when he is a young child and continues right on to the final phase of his life in the world, and…after life in the world his perfection continues forevermore” (Arcana Coelestia 9334:3).

Once our children begin to understand this concept from how we model our behavior for them, they will begin to sense that we are all on the same team and working together. As parents, once we understand this concept, we will not as easily fall prey to setting unrealistic expectations for our children or requiring a perfection from them that we don’t require of ourselves. This is a big issue in parenting because if we come across as wanting nothing short of perfection, it will undoubtedly lead to a sense of low self worth in our children and produce a lack of confidence in them that they can measure up to our lofty standards.

The Lord of course gave us the solution for this problem when He said: “There is nothing that enters a man from outside which can defile him; but the things which come out of him, those are the things that defile a man” (Mark 7:14). What He is describing in this teaching is the concept that we are all vessels that receive influx or influences from heaven and hell and then choose what we will do with what flows into us. The Heavenly Doctrine explains it this way: “If a person only believed, as is really true, that all good is from the Lord and all evil from hell, he would neither make the good in him a matter of merit nor would evil be imputed to him; for he would then look to the Lord in all the good he thinks and does, and all the evil that flows in would be cast down to hell from which it comes” (Heaven and Hell 302).

When we understand this, and can help our children to see it as well, then it empowers them to reject their hereditary tendencies toward evil that the hells flow into and inflame. At the same time, they won’t take ownership of those evils as being theirs or end up feeling that they are actually wicked despite what they choose to do. It helps them to see that none of us is perfect and all of us have various hereditary tendencies toward evil that the hells manipulate, but that we are not guilty unless we deliberately choose to act on those evils or engage in those bad behaviors. Also, when we do make mistakes, all we have to do is repent and ask the Lord to help us cast those evil tendencies right back to hell where they belong the next time they are aroused.

Hopefully, if we can succeed in helping our children to understand that nobody is perfect, neither they nor their parents, and that we are all equal in the eyes of the Lord and have the ability to choose who we want to become, we will have accomplished a great deal. This is what gives us worth and value in the eyes of the Lord Who sees our efforts and knows when we are sincerely trying to do better. These beautiful words from the Psalms express it well: “You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my thoughts; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:13-24).

Teenagers Like to Fight Against Everyone

Artwork by Marguerite Acton

13. Challenge the Wild Asses to Compel Themselves

Every parent, no matter how skilled, will eventually butt heads with their willful teenagers, and it can be extremely challenging to figure out how to navigate the turbulent waters of adolescence. There is good reason for this because it is the onset of puberty. In addition to the great hormonal changes in boys and girls, there is also a dramatic change that takes place when their ability to reason develops. The Heavenly Doctrine says, “At that time a revolution occurs in the mind. Previously the intellect thought only in accordance with ideas instilled in the memory, thinking in terms of them and being governed by them. Afterwards it thinks in accordance with reason about them” (Conjugial Love 446:1).

It is this newly acquired ability to reason in adolescents that has turned many parents’ hair gray as they seem to have to justify every simple request that they ask of their teenagers. The ability of a teen to argue almost any point is legendary. If you are brave enough to start a debate with them, you’d better make sure you have lots of time at your disposal and that you’ve got plenty of facts to back you up! And even then, at best, you will likely only debate them to a draw. However, our teenagers often mistake this newfound ability to reason with genuine rationality because they have managed to win an argument with their parents.

As parents, we can take solace in this teaching: “Nobody therefore can be said to have a rational merely on account of an ability to reason. Indeed, those who do not have a rational, usually speak from sensory experience and factual knowledge with far greater skill than those who do have it” (Arcana Coelestia 1944:2). There is a great bumper sticker out there that captures this beautifully: “Got questions? Ask your teenagers while they still know everything!” Teens often are very focused on being right, even though it is not necessarily nice, and often will resort to sarcasm and mocking to make a point.

This stage of life is portrayed wonderfully in the Word through the story of Ishmael and Isaac growing up. Ishmael was born to Abraham’s Egyptian maidservant Hagar, and he was the older brother of Isaac who was born 14 years later to Abraham’s wife Sarah. Ishmael represents our initial ability to reason from the natural knowledges and truths we have gained, and this beginning formation of our rational minds is characterized by reasoning from truths or facts apart from good. Isaac, the son of Sarah, was born afterwards, and he represents the birth of our genuine rational mind which is formed from spiritual truths and a willingness to shun evil and actually do good. Our first rational mind, caring more about being right than good, likes to make fun of our newly forming rational mind that seeks to elevate us above our merely natural desires. And so, in the story we see an adolescent Ishmael “mocking” his little brother Isaac at a feast Abraham held to celebrate the infant Isaac being weaned (Genesis 21:9).

Besides this tendency of the Ishmael-rational to mock what is good, it is also stubborn and ornery in its ability to reason and debate, and so in the Word Ishmael is called “a wild-ass man, his hand against all, and the hand of all against him” (Genesis 16:12). Maybe this description sounds like it fits some of the teenagers you know! The Heavenly Doctrine explains that a person in this state is “quick to find fault, makes no allowances, is against all, regards everyone as being in error, is instantly prepared to rebuke, to chasten, and to punish, shows no pity, does not apply himself and makes no effort to redirect people's thinking; for he views everything from the standpoint of truth, and nothing from the standpoint of good” (Arcana Coelestia 1949:2).

There was an incident when I was in Theological School which illustrated that teaching perfectly. I was debating one of my teachers, who also happened to be the Dean, on a certain subject. I came well-prepared for battle the next day with many passages from the Word in hand. For every argument from doctrine advanced by the Dean, I had a clear rebuttal from doctrine to match.

As the war waged on, I was actually getting the upper hand and winning the argument. Finally, the Dean conceded, and concluded the debate with these words: “You may be right, but you are not necessarily good!” Those words really struck me. “You may be right, but you are not necessarily good!” They summed up so concisely one of the major traits of the Ishmael-rational state that I had been demonstrating – a state of mind that is combative, unyielding, and hard in its reasoning, because it tends to separate truth from good. It is primarily concerned with being technically right, often at the expense of goodness and mercy. Now I see that when my mother would get exasperated with me and tell me to stop acting like a “jackass” that she was doctrinally on solid ground; however, the Ishmael-rational part of me still wonders if “wild-ass” would have been technically more correct!

It is important to realize though, that no matter how frustrated you get with your teenagers’ delight in argumentation, there is nevertheless a use in these debates because it helps their minds to hone critical and analytical thinking. The Ishmael-rational state is a stage of development that we all must go through, and as a parent you can help your adolescents do it in a more productive way. If you simply try to shut down the conversation every time by forcefully insisting that you are right, then most likely you will end up with a rebellion and them turning away from the principles you stand for. On the other hand, if you let some of their obvious falsehoods, logical fallacies, and lapses in reason go unchallenged, then they will likely run amok and think that all points of view are equally valid whether they are based on the Word or not.

One elderly minister and father of a large family once told me that the secret to parenting teens was to keep the right amount of tension on the reins. He said, “If you pull back too tightly, they will inevitably buck and rebel, but if you let the reins go loose, then they will run wild and hurt themselves.” This made a lot of sense to me, and it gets to the heart of finding the balance between being too authoritarian during the teenage years or being too permissive. This can be hard to do but fortunately the Word gives us one of the key concepts for keeping the right tension on the reins.

In the series explaining the inner meaning of the story of Ishmael and Isaac, the Heavenly Doctrine introduces us to a wonderful set of teachings about self-compulsion. When dealing with the adolescent state as parents, we begin to realize that we can no longer just rely on external compulsion alone to get our teenagers to act responsibly, and we’re given the reason why: “No one who is compelled to think that which is true and to do that which is good is reformed, but instead thinks all the more what is false and wills all the more what is evil. This is so with all compulsion, as may also become clear from all the experience and lessons of life, which when learned prove two things – first, that human consciences will not allow themselves to be coerced, and second, that we strive after the forbidden” (Arcana Coelestia 1947:1).

This explains so clearly why self-compulsion is such a vital tool for teens to learn how to use; because they will not allow themselves to be compelled, they strive after the forbidden, and on top of all that they are in a “wild-ass” state. The third law of the Lord’s Divine Providence emphasizes the point further: “A person should not be compelled by external means to think and will, and thus to believe and love, the things of religion, but should persuade and at times compel himself to do so” (Divine Providence 129). Further we are told that a person “ought to compel himself to do what is good, to obey the things commanded by the Lord, and to speak truths” (Arcana Coelestia 1937:1). Notice, we should persuade and ought to compel ourselves to believe and love the things of religion, do what is good, obey the commandments, and speak what is true!

There were two important lessons in my youth that my father taught me about self-compulsion that were invaluable to me. One had to do with going to Church. I was grumbling about going to Church one Sunday, and I tried to use the line of argumentation that I was in a bad mood and so it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to go and that I shouldn’t be forced to worship or compelled to believe and love the things of religion. My father said: “You’re right, I can’t compel you to worship, or believe and love the things of religion, but you are still living in our house so we can make you go to Church. If you want to sit there and be grumpy in Church and not pay attention that’s your prerogative, but you will go. How you choose to spend your time is up to you.”

This small concession and acknowledgment by my father, that he was not trying to compel me to believe and love as he did, meant a lot to me. He did insist that as long as I was under his roof, he would still reserve the right to compel me in externals if needed, but I was confident that he would not cross that line and try to compel my internals.

The other lesson that was a real turning point in my teenage years had to do with household chores. We were all expected to do our part, and while I loved outdoor work, I hated it when I was on dish duty. One evening my mother asked me to do the dishes, and I raised a fuss until my father intervened and marched me into the kitchen, where he told me that I was a member of the household, and I was going to do my fair share. He left me in the kitchen fuming mad, and I stood there, filled with rage, with my hands in the sink water.

He came back in about ten minutes after I had cooled off a little bit and said something that changed my whole adolescent life. He said: “Son, you don’t like it when your mother and I compel you to do things. Well, we don’t like it either, but the Lord has given you the incredible ability to compel yourself to do what is right even when you don’t want to. So, if you can demonstrate to us that you can compel yourself to do the right things, then we will back off and leave you in complete freedom because we will know that we can trust your choices. The Lord wants you to live in freedom according to reason, so show us you can be reasonable.”

This parental introduction into the doctrine of self-compulsion was a real “a-ha!” moment for me. I realized that I had the ability to have my parents back off a little bit, simply by making myself do the things that I really knew deep down inside that I should be doing anyway. From that point on, I did a much better job of compelling myself, and my parents kept their end of the deal or covenant by giving me more and more freedom. The key was my coming to understand the Lord’s teaching “that in compelling oneself there is freedom, that is, what is spontaneous and voluntary, by which compelling oneself is distinguished from being compelled” (Arcana Coelestia 1947:1).

Unfortunately, for the most part, self-compulsion is reviled by society today, which is not surprising because society glorifies the merely natural person. The culture that surrounds us appeals to our base loves of self and the world with slogans like, “You’re worth it” and “You deserve to have the very best.” The philosophy of the day is to do whatever feels good, and consequently, no one has the right to say that something is wrong. Sayings like, “Express your desires,” “Trust your gut,” “Be a free spirit,” and “Ignore your inhibitions,” are familiar refrains.

The suggestion that we should compel ourselves to resist what feels good if it is opposed to what the Lord says is scoffed at and ridiculed. And yet it is absolutely vital that we learn to do so, for we are told that “the good of innocence, which is the good of love to the Lord, is not received by one who belongs to the spiritual church unless he exercises self-compulsion” (Arcana Coelestia 7914). Oddly enough, society sees the necessity of compelling ourselves in the physical realm by touting such phrases as “No pain - no gain,” and yet they do not see that the same principle applies in the spiritual realm.

One of the most helpful things you can do as a parent for your teenagers in their “wild-ass” states is to challenge them to embrace their God-given ability to compel themselves to do what is right and speak what is true, even when they do not feel like it in the moment. They can compel themselves to drag their tired bodies out of bed and go to Church. They can force themselves to stop playing video games, turn off the TV, and do something more productive like reading the Word. They can make themselves pray to the Lord and worship Him even when they don’t want to. They can compel themselves to resist the evil desires of their native heredity which they find delightful and force themselves to follow the Lord’s commandments and be led by Him.

This is not an easy thing to do! Our human nature rebels at the thought of this kind of self discipline, and yet the Lord exhorts us, saying, “You shall afflict your souls, …every soul that does not afflict itself shall be cut off from their people” (Leviticus 23:27,29). Once our adolescent children form the habit of compelling themselves and even afflicting their souls when necessary, then they will find that it gets progressively easier to do what the Lord says as they grow older. We are told that “in the measure that anyone looks to the Lord and shuns evils as sins, he serves freely and not under compulsion” (Charity 172).

Eventually, they will come to see that they are acting from “an interior freedom” from the Lord which is rooted in their conscience, and that the Lord is actually more closely present with them in their times of temptation when they make themselves do what He has commanded (Arcana Coelestia 1937:5). They will come to the same acknowledgment that the children of Israel did when they had been rescued from their struggles and proclaimed: “The Lord heard our voice and looked on our affliction and our labor and our oppression. So the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand…. He has brought us to this place and has given us this land, ‘a land flowing with milk and honey’” (Deuteronomy 26:7-9).

Michael and His Angels Fight Against the Dragon

Artwork by Mary Cooper

14. Give Them Something to Fight Against

Given the fact that by nature adolescents at times can be ornery, stubborn, have a hand against all, and be ready in an instant to rebuke, chasten, and punish, it is inevitable that they are going to want to fight. Sometimes our parental instinct will be to try to stop them from fighting at all costs, but the reality is that they need to learn how to fight because if they do not, then the hells will use their passivity against them and advance their own attack. There is some truth to the old adage that “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.”

In their adolescent state, part of them likes to argue and fight from the rational truths they know, and so they have a tendency to “wage war upon whatever is not true” (Arcana Coelestia 1950). This is why teenagers are so quick to point out hypocrisy when they see it in us and in others. We also know that they often fight from truth apart from good, so we have an opportunity to teach them to fight fairly, but the question then becomes: “What will they choose to fight against?”

One of the unfortunate dynamics that often occurs is that they will choose to fight against the beliefs of their parents, which usually results in an attack on the Church and its doctrines. Perhaps you have had one of these discussions with a teenager and find that it quickly turns into a fruitless argument. This is not to say that there is never a problem in the Church and that we shouldn’t seek to improve it; however, too many times adolescents seem to get in the habit of constantly waging war on the Church or its teachings simply because they represent an outside authority.

This is where it can be helpful to give them some alternative things to fight against, maybe even ones where you can be on the same team fighting alongside each other. The fact is that there is a lot that is wrong in the world that could be challenged, and if you can help your teens identify something that is wrong which should be confronted, it provides an outlet for their zeal. Perhaps it will be fighting against homelessness, or racism, or standing in opposition to same-sex marriage by championing marriage between one man and one wife, or battling against pornography, sex trafficking, and promiscuity.

In reality, the Lord needs us to be willing to be militant at times and stand up for what is right, just, and fair as He defines it. This is demonstrated for us in the Word by Joshua being the courageous military leader who was willing to lead the children of Israel into battle against the enemies in the land of Canaan. He represented “fighting truth” made “militant through an influx of Divine Truth” from the Lord. The Lord needs angels and people like this “to have a burning zeal for what is true and good, and when roused by that zeal they go into battle” (Arcana Coelestia 8595:1).

Many young people identify with Joshua because of his courage and willingness to follow the Lord’s command. As a result of his bravery to face the enemies before him, the Lord promised him: “No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life…. I will not leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and of good courage” (Joshua 1:5-6). When we subtly guide our teenagers to fight against something the Lord identifies as evil in His Word, then we are helping them to see that as long as they choose to be on the Lord’s side in a battle, they cannot fail. Yes, there may be temporary setbacks, but in the long run the Lord will make them victorious and they will prosper.

Learning how to fight is vital to our regeneration so we can use the time of adolescence to teach them about what is worth fighting for in life. Think about how many of the stories in the Word deal with wars, battles, and conflicts. From Genesis all the way through Revelation there is one fight after another, with periods of peace in between. The final vision is one of peace in the Holy City New Jerusalem where we are conjoined to the Lord and where “there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying” (Revelation 21:4).

However, in order to achieve this lasting state of peace, we must be willing to wage war along the way against those things that are evil and false because “as evil destroys good, and falsity destroys truth, so do these destroy peace” (Apocalypse Explained 365:42). Maybe you have seen the bumper sticker that is meant to support peace which says, “No war – know peace.” Unfortunately, this is a misleading concept, because as long as the battle against what is evil and false is not waged, there will never be genuine peace until evil and falsity are vanquished. Perhaps a more accurate slogan to live your life by would be, “Know war – know peace!”

In many ways our life is one epic battle, and this is something that many teens can relate to as they face the trials of becoming an adult. As they struggle to battle their external selfish side and allow their newly forming internal conscience to have dominance, “there is a fight on both sides, and this fight is a fiery one, because it is for life” (Arcana Coelestia 8403:2). As a young man, I always loved this teaching because it made the fight seem so critical since it was for my very life!

It is no surprise that many teenagers gravitate to video games which involve battle, choosing sides, going on quests, and trying to survive in a hostile environment. Likewise, think about the successful book and movie franchises, such as “The Lord of the Rings,” “Star Wars,” and “Harry Potter,” which all have high-stakes battles between good and evil where life hangs in the balance.

The Heavenly Doctrine uses vivid imagery to describe how very real the battle is between good and evil by saying that “every spiritual temptation or trial is a combat between the devil and the Lord as to who will possess the person” (Apocalypse Revealed 100). Further we’re told that “so long as a man is in this world, he stands midway between the Lord and the devil, and is kept in freedom to turn himself to either the one or the other” (Life 19). And that “evil is itself hell, and good is itself heaven, or to say the same thing, evil is itself the devil, and good is itself the Lord…. It follows from this that hell must be altogether removed for the Lord to be able to enter with heaven” (Divine Providence 100).

This graphic picture, given to us from the Lord, can help to inspire adolescents to gear up for battle because the stakes are so high. There they are, midway between heaven and hell, with the Lord and his angels on one side and the devil and his diabolical horde on the other side, in a fiery fight for their souls! Broadening that picture out, we can help our teens see that it is also a fight for the very survival of the New Church.

Many children growing up in the New Church are fascinated and delighted by the story of Michael and his angels defending the woman clothed with the sun and her child from the fiery red dragon and his devils. This story is about the spiritual war that takes place between those who are in the false idea that faith alone can save you even if you live an evil life, versus those who believe that you must “keep the commandments of God and have the testimony of Jesus Christ” (Revelation 12:17).

The dragon is the symbol for the false idea of faith alone, the woman clothed with the sun is a symbol for the New Church that the Lord is trying to establish, and the child that was brought forth is a symbol for the doctrine of the New Church which teaches that you must live a life of charity. Michael and his angels were those who had the zeal to defend those beautiful and precious teachings of the New Church. Thus, the war in heaven depicted in the story describes the “combat between those who are for the life of love and charity and for the Divine of the Lord in His Human, against those who are for faith alone and faith separate and are against the Divine of the Lord in His Human” (Apocalypse Explained 735:1).

Now since the New Church is supposed to be the last of the great churches on this earth, it is definitely something worth fighting for, and if we can convey that urgency to our children and particularly our teenagers, then we have a grand vision where we can join together and fight alongside them. We can tap into that bellicose nature of the early rational state that likes to fight in adolescence and direct it to fight for a good cause. It would be naïve to think that they will always fight nobly and valiantly like Joshua and Michael. Sometimes they will fight selfishly just to win. However, it is still valuable for them to learn to engage in the necessary battles rather than just let falsity and evil advance.

Throughout the course of their lives, they will discover that the hells will win whenever they fight on the wrong side or are using misplaced zeal and anger to advance their own superiority. However, they will also learn that whenever they fight from a love of doing what the Lord commanded and from genuine charity and concern for their neighbor, they will be victorious. Over time they will come to see that, while the Lord needs them to be a warrior for Him at times and to defend the New Church, the reality is that the Lord is the one who always wins the battle.

This is captured beautifully in this small phrase from the book of Exodus where the children of Israel are being pursued by the Egyptians and appear to be trapped, and Moses tells them: “The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace” (Exodus 14:14). We’re told this means that “the Lord alone sustains the combats of temptations and conquers…because the Divine alone can conquer the hells” (Arcana Coelestia 8175). And that “from their own strength they will effect nothing at all. Nevertheless, they ought not to slack their hands, and await immediate influx; but ought to fight as from themselves, and yet acknowledge and believe that it is from the Lord” (Arcana Coelestia 8176).

Adolescence is definitely a challenging time for parents who are dealing with the rebellious and aggressive states of teenagers who sometimes seem to want to spend all their time fighting with you and warring against the Church. However, if you can inspire them with the vision of being a warrior for the Lord and a defender of what is true and good, then they will grow in confidence that they cannot fail or be defeated if they are fighting on the Lord’s side. They will be encouraged in every battle they enter by this exhortation given to Joshua: “Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).

Key Teaching

“That Joshua denotes fighting truth is evident from the fact that he was commanded to fight against Amalek, that is, against the falsities from interior evil. This war must be waged by truth made fighting through the influx of Divine truth. The truth Divine itself which proceeds immediately from the Lord, is not fighting, but pacific; for it is peace itself, because it proceeds from the Divine good of the Lord's Divine love. But in order that it may become fighting truth, it flows into such angels as are in ardent zeal for truth and good, and who being excited by this zeal fight.”

Arcana Coelestia 8595:1

A Family Turning to the Lord as the Source of Their Wisdom

Artwork by Marguerite Acton

15. Respect Their Opinion (Within Reason!)

As your children grow up and come into their sense of autonomy and begin to reason for themselves, it is essential that they feel valued along the way. There are many ways of showing your children that they are valued, such as telling them that you love them, giving them hugs, letting them help you do things, and listening to them. Listening to them express their opinions is useful, and learning to respect their opinions and perspectives, even when they differ from yours, is crucial for them to feel validated.

This can be a challenge to be sure. What if they are just plain wrong! What if their opinion is actually harmful to others and themselves, especially if it were acted upon? What if their opinion is directly opposed to obvious teachings from the Word? Obviously, there are limits, which is why this chapter is titled “Respect their opinion (within reason)!”

One example of this that I can remember from my childhood is getting into a debate with my father, trying to argue that if all infants who die end up in heaven, then it would be better for parents to (brace yourself) kill their children as soon as they were born rather than raise them. This would ensure that all of their children not only made it to heaven, but would end up in the highest heaven, whereas if they were raised to adult age, probably at least one would end up choosing hell, and the others might choose lower heavens. I even went on to argue that the parents themselves might get to go to heaven, even though they had committed such horrible acts, because their motivation was good in wanting to get as many of their children to heaven as possible, which is the Lord’s primary goal in creation.

Well, this is where my father put his foot down and did not respect my opinion because it was not within reason! He did allow me to engage in a debate with him, but after pointing out the obvious weak points in my argument – like committing murder against the innocent – he said that he did not want to hear anymore barbaric assertions suggesting that the Lord would be fine with this. In this case he did show that he valued me by being willing to engage in the debate, but he could not in good conscience respect my opinion, because it went against essentials of the Word by endorsing murder. Ultimately, I ended up respecting the fact that he would not let me “get away with murder” or allow such horrific false reasoning to be accepted as valid.

The Lord also would draw the line in no uncertain terms when people were directly engaged in harmful reasoning and the resulting practices, which is evident throughout the books of the prophets as they repeatedly challenged the people. However, it is amazing to realize that the Lord’s preferred method of operation is to meet people where they are and then slowly guide them to a better place.

One classic biblical example of this is where the Lord allows Abram to worship Him under the name “Shaddai” which means “tempter,” rather than “Jehovah” which signifies the Divine Love. The reason for this was because when the Lord called Abram to follow Him, Abram was an idolator, and his conception of God was that He was a “tempter” who put people through trials to test their worthiness. He was not yet ready to accept an almighty God who was Divine Love itself. So the Lord met Abram where he was and addressed him in a way that he could accept, because “the Lord never breaks, but bends” (Arcana Coelestia 1992:4).

It is a universal spiritual principle that the Lord’s guidance is gradual and subtle in nature, because of how precious our freedom is to the Lord. He never wants to break us by compelling our belief or obedience, and He knows that if we could see how He was trying to lead us away from our false ideas and selfish desires that we “would grow angry and would regard God as an enemy” (Divine Providence 183:1). Another example cited in the Heavenly Doctrine, talks about how we are motivated by a love of honors and wealth and that the Lord can work even with those impure starting points. He doesn’t immediately try to correct us or rip away those misguided notions and innate selfishness, but instead takes them “away quietly and gradually, without the person's being at all conscious of it” (Divine Providence 183:2).

As parents dealing with teenagers, we would be wise to master this gentle and wise method of leading which the Lord employs. We are also told that the two guardian angels which the Lord provides to protect every person’s freedom “are forbidden to act in any violent manner and thereby crush a person's evil desires and false assumptions; they must act gently” (Arcana Coelestia 5992:1). It goes on to say that when evil spirits are inspiring those false ideas in us, the angels counter them by reminding us of the true ideas we know and that, even if we won’t accept them at that time, they nevertheless help to mitigate the damage of those false ideas and modify them. These angels will go so far as “to protect even a person’s falsities and evils” while they are undergoing temptations, if they see that trying to completely dispel them in that moment would serve to confirm the person in those ideas, rather than reject them (Arcana Coelestia 761).

Another reason for learning to be gentle and respect the opinions of your teenagers, even though they may be misguided or not fully rational, is because truth is often not understood in a moment. In fact, the Heavenly Doctrine teaches that “it is in accordance with the laws of order that no one should become convinced of the truth instantaneously, that is, should instantaneously be made so sure of the truth that he is left in no doubt at all about it” (Arcana Coelestia 7298:2). The reason for this is because each person needs to have the freedom to make the truth their own and understand it according to their state at that time.

This principle is wonderfully illustrated in the law of the pledge which the Lord gave to the children of Israel: “When you lend your brother anything, you shall not go into his house to get his pledge. You shall stand outside, and the man to whom you lend shall bring the pledge out to you” (Deuteronomy 24:10-11). The house is a symbol for a person’s mind or thoughts, so the requirement to stand outside the house, means that we are not supposed to rush into the private domain of another’s thoughts and try to force our way of thinking upon them. In a nutshell, what this is really talking about is necessary boundaries which allow for appropriate freedom.

The act of lending to someone who asks represents the communication of ideas. Think about this in relation to you and one of your teenagers. They ask you a question because they are interested in your perspective. They are, as it were, the one desiring the loan because they are in need, deprived of certain truths, and need the truth that you have. In exchange for the truth that you have, a pledge is required. In the Deuteronomy example, the pledge given in return for the loan was a garment which was a symbol of the basic outward truths by which they lived their lives.

This would be like your teenager telling you where they were coming from and what they were thinking about in relation to the question they asked. What is described here is a person seeking new truths, a deeper understanding of how to live a good life. Notice again, the specific instructions when you meet such a person who is asking for a loan of your knowledge. You are to stand outside the house, you are not supposed to barge inside! This means that in the exchange of ideas, when you communicate your truth that they have sought after, you are to patiently await their response.

This is a key concept in charitably dealing with any person during a conversation. Await a response. Don’t force one out of them, or respond for them as you wish they would, but wait for their response. This is the significance of standing outside the house, because a house represents the person’s mind and their thoughts. That is sacred space; you should not in any way invade their mind, anymore than you want someone to invade your home. The Golden Rule applies here more than ever: “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them” (Matthew 7:12).

The Heavenly Doctrine tells us that waiting outside means “not putting pressure on another or playing on his emotions to get him to corroborate truths known to oneself, but to listen to and accept his responses as they are in his own mind” (Arcana Coelestia 9213:6). Again, this is another key lesson in charitable communications with someone who is seeking instruction from you. Start out by accepting their responses as they are in their own mind.

As a parent this is hard for most of us to do. Especially if what we know from the Word is telling us and from our own experience that we are most certainly right and that our children are definitely wrong. When we are having a discussion like this with our teens who are differing in their understanding of the truth, our tendency is not to accept their responses. We want to go into their mind and rip that misguided idea away from them; but this would not likely be beneficial for them, even if we are right! Unless the person freely and willingly gives up their false ideas, they will not, in the long run, accept the new truths you are trying to get them to embrace.

The key is preserving their freedom so that in their own time and according to their own pace and comfort zone, they can give up their old garment – those immature ideas and false notions –willingly. This is a gradual process and at times can be quite lengthy, so when we share those truths of our faith that are precious to us with them, we should be prepared to accept their response as it is in their own minds. We should not force our viewpoints upon them and invade their space. By respecting their boundaries and waiting outside their house, we allow them the freedom to willingly come outside and freely choose to accept those ideas we are lending to them. Eventually, they might make them their own, and hopefully later on will share them with their children when they start a family.

A caveat that should be reiterated is that in these exchanges of ideas with our teenagers we should respect their opinions, but only within reason. If they are saying things that are really harmful and potentially damaging to themselves and others, then we have an obligation to challenge them. One way to do this successfully is to move the debate from an “I’m right – you’re wrong” scenario, to “Can we all agree to try and find out what the Lord thinks about the subject?” This is the type of question that invites exploration into an authority outside of ourselves for answers.

The Lord modeled this technique beautifully while He was on earth. When the lawyer came to Jesus with a question about what he needed to do to inherit eternal life, the Lord responded with another question: “What is written in the law? What is your reading of it?” (Luke 10:26). Notice how He showed that He valued the lawyer’s opinion by demonstrating that He had a genuine interest in his thoughts on the subject. By not immediately jumping in to provide the answer, He also showed that He respected the lawyer’s boundaries and ultimately led him to answer his own question about what he needed to do.

Every parent would love to be able to have open communication and healthy exchanges with their teenage children, and some of these principles from the Word can help us be more effective in successfully passing on our faith to them. The Lord deals with us respectfully by not wanting to harm our beginning concepts of truth, and so we are instructed, “A bruised reed He will not break, a dimly burning wick He will not quench” (Isaiah 42:3).

As parents, we should strive to model the Lord’s chosen methods; so ask them questions, show appropriate respect for their opinions, appreciate their boundaries, and let them save face when they are in error without trying to break them or embarrass them. Most importantly, point them to the Lord as the ultimate Authority and only reliable source of truth and enlightenment, as the Lord Himself declares: “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life” (John 8:12).

Key Teaching

“All this shows what ‘not going into the house but standing outside to receive the pledge’ means, namely not putting pressure on another or playing on his emotions to get him to corroborate truths known to oneself, but to listen to and accept his responses as they are in his own mind. For those who put pressure on another or play on his emotions to get him to corroborate truths known to themselves make this other person think or speak not from himself but from them. And when anyone thinks and speaks from another the truths present with him are thrown into disorder; nor is he improved by this, unless he is the kind of person who is still ignorant of those truths.”

Arcana Coelestia 9213:6

Working Alongside Your Children Makes Being Useful Fun

Artwork by Marguerite Acton

16. Put Them to Work, and Work Together

One of the hallmarks of New Church education over the years has been that the primary purpose of educating children is to teach them to be useful people, not only in this life, but in the life to come for all eternity. Bishop Willard Pendleton wrote a whole book dedicated to this subject called Education For Use which is well worth reading for additional insights. Here I will focus on the importance of having your children work and be engaged in useful activities, and that it is even better when you work with them!

The title of this book, As for Me and My House, We Will Serve the Lord, was chosen specifically because the goal of this small work is to look at ways which will enhance our success rate in passing on our faith to our children. Serving the Lord is a key aspect of that phrase and doing this in home worship and going to Church as a family are perhaps the most obvious ways we can serve the Lord together.

However, we are instructed that “frequenting a place of worship, hearing sermons, and saying prayers are…necessary; but without…useful deeds they avail nothing, because they do not constitute a person’s life but teach what that life ought to be like” (Arcana Coelestia 7038:1). This practical teaching about being useful should not be overlooked. The Heavenly Doctrine simply says that “to serve the Lord is to be useful” (Heaven and Hell 361). This assertion is emphasized in the first passage of the book Doctrine of Life which states that “All religion is of life and the life of religion is to do what is good” (Doctrine of Life 1). Think about it for a moment. How is it that you can serve the Lord in the most practical down-to-earth way? By performing useful services to your neighbor and doing all the good things the Lord teaches. This is what the Lord ultimately wants from us, and it really is the whole point of religion.

In fact, the reason the Lord needs us to be useful and serve our neighbor is because that is how the Lord shares His love with us and is conjoined with us. We’re told that “all uses that are in their essence uses of charity, are from the Lord and are done by Him through the instrumentality of people; and when a use is thus from the Lord, then, in the use, the Lord conjoins Himself with the person” (Divine Wisdom 11:7). The Lord works through the instrumentality of the people He created to do HIS good works, and when we choose to cooperate with the Lord in achieving this end, then He conjoins Himself to us and blesses us through the good we do for others.

The Heavenly Doctrine further emphasizes the necessity of us doing our part by saying, “There is no other subject through which the Lord produces good from Himself than man” (Charity 201). This is an amazing teaching that gives real meaning and purpose to our lives. The Lord is counting on us to do our part in serving our neighbor so that He can bless them through us, and when we do our part by being useful, then He in turn blesses us. Thus, we’re taught that “since the Lord does good or performs services indirectly through angels, and in the world through people, He gives those who faithfully perform services a love of service and its reward, which is inward blessedness, and this is everlasting happiness” (Conjugial Love 7:3).

It is interesting to note in the Heavenly Doctrine that our very existence is predicated on us being useful: “There is nothing created…except for use, …that they may serve the Lord for performing uses to the neighbor” (Apocalypse Explained 1226:4). This point is expanded further to include not just our life in the natural world but the spiritual world as well, “for the kingdom of the Lord, which is not only over heaven but also over hell, is a kingdom of uses; and the Providence of the Lord provides that there shall not be in it any person or thing that does not perform, or serve as, a use” (Divine Providence 26).

I can remember my father doubling down on this idea whenever he would ask me to do some job or help him with a project, and I would complain about it because I wanted to keep watching TV or play with my friends. He would say: “You know son, it is a universal principle that everyone must be useful to have any reason for existence. The angels must be useful, and the devils must perform uses as well; the only difference is that angels love to be useful, and the devils hate to be useful. So, your choice isn’t whether or not you want to be useful and help me, your choice is whether you are going to find delight in helping me or be resentful about it.”

I did debate with him whether or not devils were really ever useful, and it turns out he was right. They do serve a use by leading us into temptations so that we can strengthen and confirm ourselves in what is true, and they do help keep each other in order by punishing each other. They must be useful in the other life because all rewards, such as food, clothing, and shelter are given in accordance with an individual’s usefulness. Angels love to be useful, so they willingly engage in serving their neighbor and as a result have these rewards in abundance. Consequently, we’re told that “heavenly happiness consists in use, stems from use, and is proportionate to use” (Arcana Coelestia 454).

The Lord demonstrates this so clearly in the parable of the talents where the two servants, who made use of the talents their master had entrusted to them and doubled their profit, were rewarded and told to enter into the joy of their Lord; whereas the wicked and lazy servant who buried his talent in the ground was punished. As a consequence of his not wanting to be useful, the Lord commanded them to “cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness” and said there would “be weeping and gnashing of teeth” (Matthew 25:30).

These teachings make it crystal clear that life, in its essence, all boils down to performing useful services for our neighbors. And to the degree we do this, we will find both satisfaction and joy. However, we’re told that “those, on the other hand, who perform no uses, are sent into the hells, where they are compelled by a judge to perform tasks; and if they refuse no food is given them and no clothing, nor any bed but the ground…. All this is done until they yield” (Apocalypse Explained 1226:3).

In the end, this concept became quite a meaningful turning point in my life. I began to understand that in the next life I would not have the choice to be useless, because it is mandatory that uses must be performed in some degree or another. The primary difference would be that “in hell uses are performed from fear, but in heaven from love” (Apocalypse Explained 1194). Since there is simply no way of getting around it, then our choice really ends up being, “Are we going to be happy about being useful or angry about it?” I made it a point to start enthusiastically engaging in whatever job I was asked to do and, as a result, I began to find that it made me more joyful and less resentful.

Another good reason to get your teenagers engaged in being useful is because of the dangers of leaving them without any productive thing to do. Idleness is diametrically opposed to performing uses and thus to the life of heaven. It provides no positive receptacle or outlet for the Lord to flow into and give life. Being lazy has a debilitating and crippling effect intellectually, emotionally, and physically because “idleness affects the mind and consequently the whole body with listlessness, lethargy, insensibility and slumber, and these are conditions of deadness, not life” (Conjugial Love 207:7).

Physically, we know when people are bed-ridden for a long period of time, muscle atrophy sets in and they lose the ability to move themselves about. Emotionally, people who are not engaged in some sort of useful activity eventually end up facing bouts of depression. Intellectually, people who are not actively involved in stimulating endeavors, find that their minds begin to wander into unhealthy and unproductive areas. Idleness has the same crippling effect spiritually. Eventually, spiritually idle people find that they see no real meaning in life and consequently experience no genuine or lasting joy in any facet of their lives.

There are many interesting reasons why idleness has such a devastating effect. When people are not focused on performing a use then their spirits and minds tend to wander aimlessly, and inevitably they find themselves entering into the territory of their proprium – that part in each of us that contains our hereditary tendencies toward evil. This is why we are exhorted to shun “idleness, because it is the devil’s pillow” (Charity 168).

However, when “a person is engaged in some pursuit or business or other useful activity, his mind is fenced around and circumscribed as though with a circle” (Conjugial Love 249:1). In a sense, it is like circling the wagons around the useful endeavor the mind is focused on. This keeps the mind from wandering into dangerous territory, and from that secure and directed vantage point it can see and identify the specific evils and lusts lurking outside. The Heavenly Doctrine teaches that “unless constant uses are done, a break in the continuity is brought about; and during this interval a person may turn aside to all loves and the lustings therefrom” (Charity 156).

In a state of idleness like this, where the mind is bored and unfocused, the boundaries are thrown open and the person is more prone to wander into their inherent loves of self and of the world. Therefore, the bored and idle person is more likely to enter into gossip, slander, fraud, promiscuity, lust, vanity, drunkenness, excessive pleasures, hatred, and vindictiveness. This is why idleness is referred to as “the root of all wickedness” (Spiritual Experiences 6088).

As an example, think of a teenager, or even an adult, who has, as the expression goes, “time on his hands.” All too often, they get involved in drug use, alcohol, vandalism, surfing the internet for porn, and so on. However, the statistics for those involved in some gainful employment are dramatically better. This is why we required all our children to get jobs. It started out with babysitting, house cleaning, dog walking, pet-sitting, and doing yardwork, and when they were old enough, they got jobs working at various retail stores. It had the dual benefit of keeping them actively engaged in being useful and it also helped them earn enough money to pay for their own college fees, which we required them to do if they chose to continue their education.

Another way to look at idleness, or the devil’s pillow, is to view it as a sponge that absorbs all the impurities nearby. We’re taught that “idleness is like a sponge which draws to itself dirty water of various sorts, inasmuch as he who is in idleness speaks, and therefore thinks about, all things in the world, pure and impure, and hence receives from the devil all impure things” (Spiritual Experiences 6072). Only the love of use, and the process of being engaged in that use, can repel these impurities from being absorbed.

Useful service is the antidote to idleness. Think about a young child with nothing to do. When they are bored and have no productive activity in which to engage their attention, they tend to bicker, fight, and whine. However, when they are given a job to do and shown how to do it, then their attitude can change dramatically.

Have you ever witnessed the delight on a child’s face the first time they accomplish a useful job? Like when they hammer a nail into the wood, or buckle their sister’s car seat, or get their own drink at McDonald’s, or feed the dogs, or even a simple thing like successfully snuffing the candles after worship. Their face beams with joy and satisfaction because they have accomplished a use which they had not previously mastered. Their mind is engaged in a productive endeavor, and therefore they do not get involved in the same destructive behaviors that they tend toward when they are idle and bored.

The same holds true for adults. When they love their job and perform their use with vigor, their outlook on life tends to be optimistic rather than depressed. It is important for us to share with our teenagers that on this earth we have a choice as to whether we will be useful, industrious, and active, or idle, lazy, and slothful. The warning that they need to hear as well, though, is that those who choose to be idle and not serve the common good of society in the Heavenly Doctrine are called “destroyers of the human race” and “cannot be called citizens, but destroyers of citizens” (Spiritual Experiences 2502). The reason why this is true is because the “essence of uses is the public good…. No one can be kept by the Lord in love to the neighbor unless he is in some love for the public good; and no one can be in that love unless he is in the love of use for the sake of use” (Apocalypse Explained 1226:7).

So how do you get your teenagers to develop the love of use for the sake of use? You can appeal to lower motivations, like their inherent loves of the world and of self, by giving them allowance, paying them for a job well done, or rewarding them with extra privileges. However, one of the best ways is to work with them and show them by example that you think working hard is important. It is one thing to simply require them to do their chores, and another to actually work alongside them and share the burden. Shoveling the snow off the driveway together, folding laundry, raking leaves side by side, and weeding the garden are all great ways to make them feel like valuable members of the household. Not only do many hands make light work, but doing it together also makes it more fun.

As I look back on my childhood, I have come to realize that the most poignant moments I had with my father were while we were working together. Specifically, I remember a period of about six years where we would take the tractor every weekend in the winter out to the woods, cut up fallen trees, load them in the trailer, drive them home, split the logs, and then stack them on the porch. This was from necessity because during the oil crisis in the 1970s we could not afford to heat our house with the oil furnace, so we did it with the old wood stove.

I won’t lie and say that in my youth I loved working every weekend with my father. There were definitely times I would have preferred to be playing football with my friends, but I would not trade the time I spent splitting wood with my dad for anything. This is where I really started to mature and would learn to be a man. Yes, I got stronger by the physical work and reveled in the macho aspects of splitting a large log in one swing. However, it was the hours and hours of discussions about life, religion, work, charity, school, Divine Providence, and family history that really taught me how valuable it was to be of service to the family, to the church, to my neighbor, and to society in general.

The other key benefit was that it kept me out of trouble on the weekends. As a teenager who liked to push the boundaries this was really important, because I still managed to get into my fair share of trouble, but without that constructive time working with my father it could have been a whole lot worse. Vacations with my family where I could spend time relaxing with my dad – boating, fishing, or hiking – were also valuable to me, but in hindsight, the time I valued the most was the time I worked side by side with my father.

In raising our children, I tried to replicate this pattern and work with them when I could, and while they would sometimes complain, saying I was too much of a perfectionist and too controlling, for the most part I think they valued the time we spent working together. My wife also made a point to have our children help her with cooking, doing the laundry, and cleaning. Some of our girls’ favorite moments ended up being when they would bake gingerbread cookies together for Christmas or crank the music while dancing around the house and cleaning. Another family I know treasured the time when they would wash dishes with their mother, because this is when she would share her pearls of wisdom with them as they had their hands in the dishwater and talked about life.

One of the wonderful things about teaching your children the value of being useful, and working with them to serve the Lord and their neighbor, is that their reward ends up being the joy they experience from being of service to others. This is the joy the angels experience in heaven on a daily basis, for “good done with all one’s heart carries its own reward together with it” (Arcana Coelestia 9049:1). So, give your children every opportunity to work hard and engage in useful service, and they will also experience the very happiness of heaven. For the Lord said, “Behold, I am coming quickly, and My reward is with Me, to give to every one according to his work” (Revelation 22:12).

Key Teaching

“That man is born to be a use is clear also from his life; for a man whose life is from a love of uses is wholly different from one whose life is from a love of idleness. By a life of idleness is meant a life made up of social interaction feasting, and entertainments. A life from the love of uses is a life of love of the public good and of love to the neighbor, and also a life of love to the Lord, for the Lord performs uses to man through man, consequently a life of the love of uses is the spiritual Divine life, and everyone who loves a good use and does it from a love for it is loved by the Lord, and is received with joy by the angels in heaven. But a life of the love of idleness is a life of the love of self and the world, and thus a merely natural life; and such a life does not hold the thoughts together, but diffuses them into every vain thing, and thereby turns man away from the delights of wisdom and immerses him in the delights of the body and of the world alone to which evils cling.”

Apocalypse Explained 1226:6

Like the Disciples, We Are All Ultimately Accountable to the Lord

Artwork by Marguerite Acton

17. Hold Them Accountable

Accountability for one’s own speech and actions is a theme that can be found throughout the Word. It can be very clearly seen in the final chapter of the book of Joshua. After the land had been successfully conquered, Joshua gathered the people together and said to them, “Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve” (Joshua 24:15). He then told them that he and his house would choose to serve the Lord. The people answered the same way and said, “We also will serve the Lord, for He is our God” (Joshua 24:18). Joshua then challenged them and said they would not follow through and do as they had said, but they answered emphatically, “No, but we will serve the Lord!” So Joshua said to the people, “You are witnesses against yourselves that you have chosen the Lord for yourselves, to serve Him.” And they said, “We are witnesses!” (Joshua 24:21-22).

Notice how the Lord was having Joshua challenge them and hold them accountable. He then went on to renew the covenant with them, and he even went so far as to write down all the words of the covenant in the Book of the Law. Next, he set up a giant stone outside of the tabernacle as a permanent witness to remind them of the promises they had made to serve the Lord and hold up their part of the covenant.

In raising our children, especially as they become teenagers, holding them accountable to their word is a crucial developmental phase of their lives. The Lord points out the importance of this in a short parable about two sons: “But what do you think? A man had two sons, and he came to the first and said, ‘Son, go, work today in my vineyard.’ He answered and said, ‘I will not,’ but afterward he regretted it and went. Then he came to the second and said likewise. And he answered and said, ‘I go, sir,’ but he did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?” (Matthew 21:28-31). The answer was the first son who actually went to do the work, not the one who merely said he would do the work but didn’t follow through and do it.

There are two lessons from my childhood where my father taught me this principle in dramatic fashion. The first was when he had been asking my brother and me to mow the lawn all week and we kept saying we would do it and then would get distracted and not do it. Finally, the weekend came and as my father was leaving for a trip he said in no uncertain terms: “When I get back if the lawn isn’t mowed you will both be soundly punished!” We once again promised that we would get it done. However, we got involved in playing a football game, didn’t mow the lawn, and when he came back home, we were both soundly punished just as he had promised.

The second lesson was when all four of us children repeatedly begged Dad and Mom for a dog. Our mother was not a big fan of dogs and since our father traveled a lot in those days, she didn’t want to get stuck taking care of an animal she didn’t want in the first place. Well, eventually we wore them down, promising emphatically that we would walk the dog, feed the dog, and clean up after the dog – Mom wouldn’t have to do anything! Based on this promise, our father said he would get us a dog from the pound, but that if we didn’t follow through and take care of him, then he would take the dog back to the pound.

For about the first week, we kept our word and took very good care of our little mutt that we named Scamp. Then slowly we stopped doing the things we promised, so our mother ended up caring for the dog. About two months went by and our father came home from a long two-week trip, only to find out that his dear wife was now taking care of the dog and not us, as we had guaranteed we would. So, he loaded Scamp in the car and took him back to the dog pound. I can still remember standing on the porch and seeing Scamp staring at me out of the window of the car and me bawling my eyes out with my siblings.

Now the point of these two stories is not to suggest that sound punishment or taking away a beloved pet is necessarily the best way to teach your children to be responsible. I shared them because they were impactful moments in my development that helped me to begin to understand that when we make a promise, then we need to keep that promise and hold ourselves accountable – or there will be consistent, and sometimes serious, consequences. My father modeled this for me and was one of those people who lived by the motto: “Say what you mean, and mean what you say.”

In the Lord’s Sermon on the Mount, He challenged those gathered to hear Him to be people of their word by saying, “But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do the things which I say?” (Luke 6:46). He then likened a wise person to someone who hears His sayings and does them, while a foolish person is labeled as someone who hears His sayings and does not do them. Our ability to follow through on what we profess to believe and to hold ourselves accountable for our actions is what ultimately determines whether we will end up in heaven or not. As the Lord so clearly states, “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter into the kingdom of the heavens, but he who does the will of My Father who is in the heavens” (Matthew 7:21).

So how do we teach this vital concept effectively so that our children will grow up to take responsibility for their words and deeds? The most practical way is making it a point on a daily basis to consistently challenge them to keep their word. If they say they will clean their room, hold them to it. If they say they will do the laundry, see that they follow through. If they say they will do their homework, make sure that it gets done. If you are consistent, it will prepare them for transitioning to adulthood where they won’t have a parent holding them accountable, but will need to do that for themselves from their own conscience.

One of the big steps they can take to mark this transition is the rite of confirmation. This act invites young adults to make the faith they were raised in their own after investigating the Word for themselves. Going to the Word from their own initiative is necessary because we are told that “things are true not because they are what leaders of the Church have so declared and their followers uphold…. From all this it is evident that one should search the Word and there see whether what the Church teaches is the truth” (Arcana Coelestia 6047:2).

In the early days of the General Church, confirmation appears to have been done more frequently. It provided an opportunity for young adults in their twentieth year to publicly confess their faith and confirm for themselves the promises made for them by their parents at their baptism. Unfortunately, young adults getting confirmed seems to have fallen out of favor, and I think this useful rite of passage is underutilized, given the potential benefits toward spiritual development that it offers.

Before talking further about those potential benefits, I want to make clear that the rite of confirmation is not something that is commanded by the Lord in His Word like the sacraments of Baptism and Holy Supper are, so I don’t want to overemphasize something the Lord does not. However, there are some useful aspects in the rite of confirmation and confession of faith that are reflected positively in the Word.

Think of John the Baptist, being that powerful voice of one crying out to all who would hear his belief that the promised Savior had come to bring light to a world in darkness. His confession of that truth made an impact on people and helped to prepare the way of the Lord in them. So we’re told that “John came for a testimony, that he might testify concerning the Light: he was not the Light, but that he might testify of the Light” (Apocalypse Revealed 490:1).

Another story beautifully describes the positive effect that a woman’s confession made on the men in the city of Samaria. Jesus had stopped by the well of Jacob and was talking with a woman at the well, and she perceived that He was a prophet and then became convinced that He was the promised Messiah because of His profound knowledge of her state. So, she ran to the city and urged the men to come and see if this extraordinary Man was the Christ. Then it says a remarkable thing: “And many of the Samaritans of that city believed in Him because of the word of the woman who testified” (John 4:39). Then, even more importantly, it says that they then came to see Jesus and talk to Him for themselves, and that “many more believed because of His own word” (John 4:41).

In the Gospel of Mark, the Lord casts a legion of demons out of a man who was possessed, into a herd of swine, that then charged off a cliff and drowned in the sea. People who witnessed the event ran into the city and told others of the incredible works of Jesus they had just seen. Those people then came out to see for themselves and saw the formerly demon-possessed man calmly sitting there and in his right mind. This story shows that there is power in a confession of faith in the Lord’s awesome ability to heal that can inspire people. Perhaps this is the reason that when the man who had been healed asked to go with Jesus and follow Him, the Lord instead told him: “Go home to your friends, and tell them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He has had compassion on you” (Mark 5:19).

One almost universal thing I have heard from congregation members when they have listened to a person confessing their faith in the Lord is that they find it powerful and moving to observe someone committing themselves to the teachings they profess to believe. I believe that if confirmations were more common today, there would be a very positive effect on the Church as a whole, while congregation members witnessed the hope, optimism, and trust on display when sincere people confess their faith. And so the Lord encouraged His disciples: “Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 10:32).

This strengthening effect on others is good for the Church and at the same time there is an added benefit of accountability that is placed upon the confessor that they will do their best to live up to their faith since they have publicly confessed it and had it witnessed by others. Similarly, in describing the necessity of the wedding ceremony, we are told that the consent of the couple should be made “in the presence of witnesses, and that it must also be solemnized by a priest, among other things, which serve to firmly establish it” (Conjugial Love 306).

This, I believe, is what the Lord tried to accomplish by having Joshua challenge the people to confess their willingness to serve the Lord in front of one another and before the Lord in the presence of His tabernacle. Their words being recorded and witnessed by others was “indeed the confirmation of a covenant, and accordingly of conjunction” with the Lord (Arcana Coelestia 4197:3). This is why the rite of confirmation can serve as a powerful ceremony, where young adults take on the responsibility of being in a covenant with the Lord and confess their faith in His teachings. We’re told that “when anyone speaks Divine truth from the heart the Lord confirms it; confirmation cannot come from any other source” (Apocalypse Explained 469).

Parents at baptism make those promises for their children and enter into a covenant with the Lord, but as adults those children have the opportunity to step up and make themselves accountable for fulfilling those baptismal promises and entering into a covenant with the Lord on their own accord. I know that for many young adults who have been confirmed this is a meaningful step in thanking their parents for bringing them to that point in their lives, and also letting their parents know that they are in a sense “off the hook” and no longer responsible for the decisions their child will be making.

I think that if we were to combine this – not required rite of confirmation – with a young adult’s first partaking of the commanded sacrament of the Holy Supper, it would make the confession of faith even more meaningful and powerful. The Holy Supper is perfectly designed by the Lord to consecrate the covenant He makes with us. The Heavenly Doctrine says that “the Holy Supper is like the signing, the sealing, the certifying and the witnessing of an undertaking in the presence of the angels” (True Christian Religion 730). This increases the level of accountability for the individual, not just to the Church, but to the angels of the Lord’s heavenly kingdom; and in return it invites their help, support, and encouragement along the way. When we are on our knees in the Holy Supper and asking for the Lord’s help, we begin to realize that most importantly it is to Him that we are accountable.

I believe these are all parts of the ongoing “covenanting” process that happens throughout a person’s life, where the Lord renews and reaffirms His covenant with us. The early lessons you teach your children about being accountable and taking responsibility for their actions will have them well prepared for entering this adult state. However, it is important they realize that just because they have confessed their faith, confirmed their covenant with the Lord, and partaken of the Holy Supper, does not mean that their work is done! Think about how the disciple Peter, moments after the Lord had instituted the Holy Supper and shared a last meal with them, went out and quickly denied the Lord when His loyalty to Jesus was questioned.

Teenagers and young adults will soon find that the real work of living their faith every day is the only thing that will firmly establish the covenant with them. They will quickly see that, despite their idealism and optimism, they will still falter from time to time and that one of the key parts of taking accountability is being willing to repent. Quite simply we are told that we must “examine ourselves, see our sins, admit them, accept responsibility for them, and repent by not committing them anymore” (Divine Providence 121). Further, the Heavenly Doctrine says that “everyone who has passed through the early stages of life and has at length attained a state of responsibility and the exercise of his own reason, may know that this is the course he should follow” (True Christian Religion 530).

One of the memorable stories in the Word that teaches this kind of accountability is that of the sick man at the pool of Bethesda. Once a day in this special pool an angel of the Lord would come down and stir the waters, and the first person to get into the pool after that would be healed. One sick man had been lying there thirty-eight years, unable to get down to the waters quickly enough. Jesus saw him there, knew he had been in that condition for a long time, and asked him this penetrating question: “Do you want to be made well?” (John 5:6). After the man made a few excuses, Jesus simply said to him, “Arise, take up your bed and walk” (John 5:8).

The bed here symbolizes the doctrine or the teachings we know that we are content to rest upon. Taking up that bed or those teachings and walking means that we start to live according to them by doing what they say. In essence what the Lord told this man to do was to stop making excuses, take accountability for his life, start living in the way he knew he should, and then he would be healed. It is a great lesson for our children and young adults to be reminded of whenever they start to get mopey about their sad plight, blame others, make excuses, and throw their hands up in the air saying there is nothing else they can do.

One teaching I vividly recall from my teenage years was this one where we are taught that a person must take responsibility to shun evils and not expect the Lord to do it for him, because it says that “otherwise he would be like a servant, going to his master, with his face and clothes befouled with soot or dung, and saying, ‘Master, wash me.’ Would not his master answer him, ‘You foolish servant, what are you saying? See, here are water, soap, and a towel; have you not hands of your own and the power to use them? Wash yourself.’ And so the Lord God will say, ‘These means of purification are from Me; and your ability to will and do are also from Me; therefore use these My gifts and endowments as your own, and you will be purified’” (True Christian Religion 436).

I believe the reason this teaching has some appeal to the teenage state is because of the humor implicit in this interaction. Here, the servant has everything that he needs to clean himself, but rather than taking any positive action of his own, he instead asks his master to wash him! It is a poignant teaching to remind teenagers and young adults that they have to take accountability for their own actions if they really want the Lord to be able to help them.

I have often been asked as a Pastor, “What are some of the key doctrines of the New Church?” Of course, the Heavenly Doctrine gives us a vast array of wonderful teachings to choose from, such as worshiping a visible God, marriage of one man and one wife, and life after death. However, one doctrine I like to turn to, which is not specifically mentioned and yet is a part of so many of the other doctrines, is what I would call the “Doctrine of Personal Accountability.” Contained in this idea is that we must use the freedom the Lord gives us to do things “as if” of ourselves, that the Lord needs us to participate in our own salvation, and that we are ultimately responsible and are to hold ourselves accountable for our words and deeds. It is vital that every teenager and young adult understands this concept and is encouraged to live it!

In the book of Ezekiel, the Lord referenced an ancient proverb that He no longer wanted them repeating because it said: “The fathers have eaten a wild grape, and the teeth of the sons are dulled?” (Ezekiel 18:2). The meaning was that children were accountable for the bad decisions of their parents, so if the father did something foolish then his sons would pay the price. This was a very harmful and unfair idea, so the Lord instead told them: “The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father, neither shall the father bear the iniquity of the son; the justice of the just shall be upon him, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon him…. Therefore, I will judge you, O house of Israel, each man according to his ways” (Ezekiel 18:20, 30).

Once You Have Your Hand to the Plow, Don’t Look Back

Artwork by Janina Heinrichs

18. Encourage Them to Persevere

Becoming an adult is a difficult task, and the lengthy process is filled with significant growing pains along the way. In addition, if you want your children to make spiritual progress and move from being self-centered, materialistic individuals to angelic human beings who love the Lord and their neighbor, then they will need to be taught how to persevere.

Throughout the Scriptures, the Lord instructs us that living a spiritual life is going to require lots of hard work. Notice that in the third commandment we are told that our labor will be for six days, before we get our one day of rest! Those six days of labor are a symbol for the necessary combats in temptation we will all face because we start out as very external human beings. We’re told that “when the external things prevail, the person experiences labor and conflict; for he is immersed in the kind of life which savors of the world and into which the hells enter from every side, unceasingly endeavoring to infest” (Arcana Coelestia 9278:3).

Similarly, any time there is mention in the Word of a wilderness, it is a symbol of temptation and struggle. When you think of the story of the children of Israel, their time in Egypt represents our state of learning and instruction, which roughly occurs during our childhood and teenage years. After they are led up out of Egypt by the Lord, they then spend forty years wandering in the wilderness which “represented the temptations by which the rational man is formed” (Apocalypse Explained 654:63). This forty years of struggle is the period of life where we are (hopefully) becoming truly rational human beings. It is from around age twenty until we turn sixty and begin to enter the age of wisdom.

Any parent who is in this period of life can attest to the fact that we definitely go through wilderness states, which seem dry, desolate, and devoid of hope. This is why learning to persevere and be resilient is so important, because these states of temptation and struggle are vital in our spiritual development. As the Lord said through Moses: “You shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not” (Deuteronomy 8:2). And so, we’re told that “in a word, a person is brought into the church, and becomes a church, by means of temptations” (Apocalypse Explained 730:31).

When the Lord was on earth, He also warned His disciples that there would be trials and tribulations as they dedicated themselves to following Him. He said: “But watch out for yourselves, for they will deliver you up to councils, and you will be beaten in the synagogues. You will be brought before rulers and kings…. And you will be hated by all for My name’s sake. But he who endures to the end shall be saved” (Mark 13:9-13). He also said to the people in the church of Ephesus: “I know your deeds and your toil and perseverance, and that…you have persevered and have endured for My name’s sake” (Revelation 2:2-3).

Now if the Lord only told us how much work and struggle it would be without any encouragement, then that would be really disheartening! So, it is important to make sure the teachings about the difficult journey are balanced by the benefits that come from persevering. He told His disciples: “You are those who have continued with Me in My trials. And I bestow upon you a kingdom” (Luke 22:28-29). He told the people of the church of Philadelphia: “Because you have kept My command to persevere, I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon the whole world” (Revelation 3:10). Perhaps most famously in the beatitudes, He encouraged those following Him by saying: “Happy are they who are persecuted for the sake of justice, for theirs is the kingdom of the heavens. Happy are you when they shall reproach you, and persecute you, and say every wicked saying against you, telling lies, on account of Me. Leap for joy and rejoice, for your reward is much in the heavens; for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you” (Matthew 5:10-12).

These promises from the Lord are meant to encourage us to keep our faith in Him when times are tough and to strengthen us when we are weary. He understands intimately the struggles we will go through and is yearning to help us. This is captured beautifully in the gospels: “When He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd” (Matthew 9:36).

In order to help us in our times of trial, all the Lord needs us to do is to keep on trying and not give up. There is a wonderful story in the book of Judges that teaches this in powerful way. Some men from the tribe of Benjamin had committed a horrible atrocity. However, the leaders of Benjamin refused to hold the guilty men accountable, and so all the rest of the tribes of Israel gathered to go to war against the men of Benjamin.

The tribes of Israel did things in an orderly fashion. They first went up to the house of the Lord and inquired about whether or not they should go to battle against Benjamin. The Lord answered that they should go up and fight, so they followed the Lord’s advice and went to battle. Unfortunately, they ended up getting routed and lost 22,000 men. So, they gathered themselves together and went up to ask the Lord a second time whether they should re-engage in the battle. Once more the Lord told them to go up to battle, and they followed His advice again. This time they lost 18,000 men in another slaughter!

At this point, they were discouraged and so they wept, fasted, and made offerings to the Lord before asking Him a third time whether they should go to battle or quit and go home. In response the Lord said, “Go up, for tomorrow I will deliver them into your hand” (Judges 20:28). This time they were successful, and the Lord gave them the victory. The thing that is so wonderful about this story for teenagers is that it demonstrates the importance of not giving up, and that just because you are trying to do things the right way does not mean you will succeed on the first try! I can remember my mother frequently repeating the well known saying to me when I would fail at something, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again.”

All the Lord is really asking from us is to keep on trying and not give up. The reality is that the Lord cannot save us without our continued effort and cooperation. The Heavenly Doctrine teaches that a person cannot just stand motionless like a statute, “for he would be like one standing with his hands hanging down, his mouth open, his eyes closed and holding his breath, awaiting influx” (Divine Providence 210). If we give up, let our hands slack, and magically expect the Lord to help us, then we will be destined to fail. If we start on the path of regeneration but quickly give up every time we discover that it is hard work, then we will not make it to heaven. This is why the Lord warns us: “No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God” (Luke 9:62).

When the children of Israel failed to conquer the city of Ai because Achan had taken the accursed things of Jericho against the Lord’s command, Joshua threw himself down on his face, tore his clothes, put dust on his head, and complained to the Lord. What is fascinating is how the Lord responded. He said, “Get up! Why do you lie thus on your face?” (Joshua 7:10). He simply told him to stop whining and do something proactive. It is useful for teenagers to see that even a mighty warrior like Joshua could feel like throwing his hands up in the air and giving up; and that the Lord was right there to urge him to continue on and not give up the fight.

As the Lord was preparing the children of Israel to conquer the enemies in the holy land and claim their inheritance, He had Moses specifically instruct them that it would not be a quick or instantaneous process: “Jehovah your God will drive out those nations before you little by little; you will be unable to destroy them at once” (Deuteronomy 7:22). The fact is that those enemy nations in the land are a symbol for all the hereditary tendencies toward evil that we have to overcome before we can properly inherit a heavenly life.

These evil tendencies toward selfishness, materialism, lust, hypocrisy, and hatred are well established in each one of us, and they will not go down without a fight. The Lord also knows that we cannot fight them all at once, even if we wanted to, and that we would be overwhelmed if we tried. Therefore, He tells us that He will remove those evils in us “little by little” as long as we are willing to persevere. We’re told that driving them out little by little “means a removal effected gradually according to order. The words ‘gradually according to order’ are used because everything with a person who is being regenerated is rearranged in accordance with heavenly order” (Arcana Coelestia 9336:1).

This gradual, progressive, systematic method of spiritual development is built into all the laws of the Lord’s Divine Providence. In fact, we are told that “Divine order knows no other way than this, and therefore the law of God too knows no other way, for every law of God is a law of order…. The reason why those who belong to the spiritual Church…are delivered from molestations gradually, in successive stages, and not straightaway, is that there is no other way in which the evils and falsities clinging to them can be removed and forms of good and truth instilled instead” (Arcana Coelestia 7186:2-3).

This orderly, gradual process is woven into the very fabric of creation. An acorn does not develop into an oak tree overnight. A river does not cut a ravine through the mountains and produce a fruitful valley in a few short weeks. All these things take time and happen slowly. A child is not formed in the womb and born in just a couple of days. It is a long, arduous, and painful process to be born into the natural world – which not surprisingly corresponds to the regeneration process and being spiritually reborn. In Isaiah it says: “Before she was in labor, she gave birth; before her pain came, she delivered a male child. Who has heard such a thing? Who has seen such a thing? Shall the earth be made to give birth in one day? Or shall a nation be born at once?” (Isaiah 66:7-8).

Furthermore, once born, infants do not come out the womb already walking, talking, and thinking. It takes years for them to develop their minds, so that they can learn facts, form concepts from them, and be able to eventually understand the truths from the Word. It takes even longer to develop an affection for willing them and doing them. It is so important for teenagers and young adults to understand that we are all works in progress, and they should take encouragement in the fact that the Lord knows that our regeneration takes time. He knows that we cannot turn ourselves from self-centered materialistic people into angels overnight. All He requires is that we not give up and that we keep on trying, as of ourselves, while asking for the Lord to give us the strength to persevere.

The Lord encourages us by saying that our regeneration “does not take place in an instant as some people believe, but over many years. Indeed, the process is taking place throughout the person’s whole life right to its end” (Arcana Coelestia 4063:3). He further emphasizes this point by adding that this process continues “even in the next life” and that in fact the perfecting of a person “can never be complete” (Arcana Coelestia 3200).

Frequently, teens and young adults get discouraged when they make mistakes and fall back into evil tendencies. The hells take advantage of this opportunity by making them think they are beyond hope which, in turn, causes them to completely despair. However, the Lord gives us the following encouragement: “If…a person when he inclines to evils – as most people do in adolescence – feels at all disturbed when he reflects on an evil deed he has committed, this is a sign that he will nevertheless accept what flows into him from heaven through the angels. It is also a sign that subsequently he will allow himself to be reformed” (Arcana Coelestia 5470:2). What an incredibly hopeful teaching for our teenagers to hold on to when they are feeling demoralized!

Another thing to help encourage young people to persevere is to teach them the importance of establishing good habits. My father always used to tell me that “orderly externals lead to orderly internals.” This led to an important realization for me: that just because you might not feel like doing the right thing didn’t mean that you couldn’t make yourself do it and that if you did it frequently enough, eventually you would end up wanting to do the right thing. The Heavenly Doctrine says, “Act precedes, a person’s willing follows. For when a person is led by his understanding to carry out any action, he is at length led by his will to do it, till at last he has taken it on as an action performed habitually” (Arcana Coelestia 4353:3). Persevering in good habits allows the Lord to change you into a more heavenly person, for we are told that “everyone acquires such a disposition or nature from frequent practice or habit” (Arcana Coelestia 3843:2).

Finally, the most important thing to remind your teenagers and young adults about is to rely on the Lord as their source of strength, hope, and encouragement. In the final analysis, the Lord is the only one who will enable them to persevere through whatever tough times life throws their way; only the Lord can give them the resilience they need in times of trial. “He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:28-31).

Key Teaching

“‘Little by little I will drive them out from before you’ means a removal effected gradually according to order. This is clear from the meaning of ‘little by little’ as gradually, thus slowly…. When a person is born he is, so far as his hereditary evils are concerned, a miniature hell. He also becomes an embodiment of hell to the extent that he draws on hereditary evils and adds his own to them. This being so, the order of a person’s life which exists by reason of what he receives at birth, and by reason of his own acts in life, is the opposite of heavenly order…. From this it is evident that the first life, which is that of hell, must be completely destroyed, that is, evils and falsities must be removed, in order that the new life, which is that of heaven, may be implanted. This cannot possibly be done hurriedly, for every deep-rooted evil, together with its falsities, is interconnected with all other evils and their falsities.”

Arcana Coelestia 9336:1-2

Grandparents, Parents, Children, and Grandchildren,

All Serving the Lord Together

Artwork by Liza Heinrichs

19. It’s A Family Thing; Make Use of the Grandparents!

One of the things I have always admired about the Mennonites, who are part of my ancestral history, is how they operate as one big family unit. You can visibly see this in the architecture of their houses as you drive through the southern Ontario countryside. There is usually the original small stone farmhouse, and then as the family would grow you can see an old barnwood addition to the house, and then as the third generation comes along, you can spot a newer vinyl siding addition, and so on. Often in the same large house there will be great-grandparents, grandparents, parents, and the children all under one roof!

There is a similar type of large, communal family living in many other cultures around the world, and I wonder if this is not how the Lord intends things to be. In heaven we are told that families often dwell together, and that it is not just because of blood relations, but because of similarly shared values and beliefs. In one heaven, noted for its innocence, it says the children dwelt with “those who had been their parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and thus the whole family for two centuries back, and they were let into that heaven together” (Spiritual Experiences 834). It then goes on to say that their happiness from that arrangement is indescribable.

I have also noticed that New Church families, which seem to have managed to keep multiple generations of children happily interested in the church, often have grandparents who are actively involved in the lives of their grandchildren. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they live with them, or are right around the corner, but it means they take the time to call them, write them, or video chat with them. It means taking an interest in their big life events – birthdays, graduations, Christmas, and church events. Most importantly, it means taking every opportunity to bring in applicable teachings from the Word and the Heavenly Doctrine that can inform their choices in a positive way.

Now some of you may be thinking, “Well, isn’t that supposed to be the parents’ job?” Yes, it most definitely is, but there are a number of good reasons why it is useful to have the grandparents involved as well. One is that there is actually a connection between the first and last stages of life. The Heavenly Doctrine says that the first state of life, meant by an infant or suckling in the Word, is one of external innocence or the innocence that comes from ignorance. While the final state of life meant by ‘old men’ in the Word, and usually defined as sixty years or older, “is a state of wisdom which has the innocence of earliest childhood within it, and so the first state and the last are united. And when he is old, being so to speak a small child again yet one who is now wise, that person is led into the Lord's kingdom” (Arcana Coelestia 3183:1). Another passage says that “when a man becomes old he dwindles in body and becomes again like a child, but like a wise child, that is, an angel” (Heaven and Hell 278:3).

My wife and I witnessed this beautiful connection between the innocence of ignorance meeting the innocence of wisdom during the time when my Grandfather Gilbert Smith came to live in our home. He loved to chat with our first child, Linnea. He was ninety-four years old and hard of hearing, while she was a one-year-old and mostly talked gibberish. However, they would talk for about an hour each day with huge smiles on each of their faces. She would babble at him about puppies and dolls, and he would answer by telling her all about his wonderful wife in the other world. Externally, it seemed at times like they weren’t communicating at all, but the more we watched it, we realized that there was a much deeper and tender connection taking place.

I think it was the spheres of similar angels who were with them that were bringing them joy, because we’re told that “in short, the wiser angels are the more innocent they are; and the more innocent they are the more they appear to themselves as young children” (Arcana Coelestia 2306). It makes sense that someone further regenerated to the innocence of wisdom would have those wiser angels associated with them, and that those same angels would want to be around and positively influence a child who is in that naïve state of the innocence of ignorance.

As the children get older, they will have other angels associated with them who try to influence and regulate their behavior “by continually insinuating ends that are good, and turning aside ends that are evil” (Arcana Coelestia 2303). While grandparents or great-grandparents may not be angels yet, nevertheless, they often have developed this skill through years of experience with their own children. I can remember my own Grandpa Heinrichs gently suggesting that I might not want to talk back to my father, and that instead it might make more sense if I went out and mowed the lawn like he had asked me to do. It brings to mind the words the Lord had Moses speak to the children of Israel: “Remember the days of old, consider the years of many generations. Ask your father, and he will show you; your elders, and they will tell you” (Deuteronomy 32:7). It is interesting that many times a child can hear those instructions from a grandparent more easily than they can hear them from their own parent.

Another good reason for having grandparents involved in the lives of your children is because they are products of their heredity. One stunning passage says that in every single affection a person experiences, there are innumerable things contained within it, not only from the choices of their own life, but from that which is “derived by heredity from father and mother, grandparents, and great-grandparents. In fact, that affection constitutes the whole person such as he is” (Arcana Coelestia 3078:2). This heredity, which is a part of every affection we have, contains things that are good and bad.

The Heavenly Doctrine warns us consistently about the hereditary tendencies toward evil we inherit, so it is useful to focus on what implications that has concerning our family of origin. We’re taught that “hereditary evil derives its origin from everyone’s parents and parents’ parents, or from grandparents and ancestors successively…. This is evident to everyone who reflects, and also from the fact that every family has some peculiar evil or good by which it is distinguished from other families; and that this is from parents and ancestors” (Arcana Coelestia 4317:4). So, if you take the time to look closely at your heritage you will probably notice what the positive traits are – and what evil tendencies the family has been prone to through the generations.

This is where grandparents and great-grandparents can be valuable resources. Hopefully, they have lived their lives battling those inherited tendencies toward evil and can offer insights as to how they wrestled with those things; what worked for them and what didn’t. It is vital to have this information so that your children can have a leg up in their own battles against their heredity, because “this continuous derived nature is not broken and changed, except by the Lord through a life of faith and charity” (Arcana Coelestia 8550). And “without this, that inclination not only continues uninterrupted, but is also increased by successive parents, and becomes a stronger proclivity to evil” (True Christian Religion 521:3).

This is why in the first commandment the Lord says that He will visit, “the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me” (Exodus 20:5). This means that so far as a person is “unwilling to be generated anew, or created anew, so far he takes up and retains the evils implanted in him from his parents” (Coronis 35:3).

Understanding this helps to make sense of why the Lord gave this startling teaching when He was on earth: “Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.” (Matthew 10:34-36). Those enemies of our own household that the Lord wants us to fight against are all the tendencies toward evil we have inherited. Yet the Lord will never force us to do so, because “it depends upon each member of the family whether he wants to embrace or withdraw from his inheritance, since everyone is left to make his own choice” (True Christian Religion 469:2).

Fortunately, not all of our inheritance is necessarily bad and to be shunned! There are also some good natural traits and positive spiritual tendencies that can get passed along from generation to generation; and once again grandparents can often have an insightful perspective on what those may be. All our children have varying natures and dispositions “because of their heredity derived from parents and by succession from grandparents and great grandparents; for any action which has been confirmed in parents through habitual practice acquires a natural disposition to it and is implanted through heredity in young children” (Arcana Coelestia 2300).

It can be encouraging news for children to know that there are tendencies toward natural good that they may have inherited. In fact, there are several kinds of natural good that can be passed along to children. The Heavenly Doctrine says, “If parents have led a good life from a love of good and have experienced delight and blessedness in that life, and if this is their state when they conceive offspring, their offspring acquires from them an inclination toward this same form of good” (Arcana Coelestia 3469:3). Further, we’re told that natural good derived from the parents is what initially helps in the child’s reformation, “for it is through that good, serving as joy and delight, that memory-knowledges, and afterward cognitions of truth, are introduced” (Arcana Coelestia 3518:2).

So, what are some of the other good tendencies that can be passed down? Perhaps most importantly “the inclination to love one of the other sex, and also the ability to receive that love” can be implanted in children when the parents worship the Lord and live the life of religion (Conjugial Love 466:1). We’re also taught that in a Christian marriage between one man and one wife, this inclination to marriage “can be implanted in Christians and be passed on to their children by inheritance from parents who enjoy truly conjugial love; and that there arises at the same time both the ability and the inclination to be wise about matters concerning the church and heaven” (Conjugial Love 142). In addition, we’re told that “the children born of a couple who enjoy truly conjugial love, inherit from their parents the principle of the marriage of good and truth, which gives them the inclination and ability to perceive what has to do with wisdom in the case of a son, and to love the teachings of wisdom in the case of a daughter” (Conjugial Love 202:1).

The good news doesn’t stop there either! It says that for people who shun adulteries as infernal and love marriages as heavenly, their hereditary tendencies toward evil are “broken and rendered milder in the offspring” (Apocalypse Explained 989:2). The Lord provides that this can happen so that such “great evils do not become innate in families. For the ruling love of parents is transmitted into the offspring, and sometimes to remote posterity, and becomes their hereditary nature” (Apocalypse Explained 1002:2).

It should be particularly noted that the positive choice to shun certain evils as sins can be passed on to remote posterity! This is why I believe having God-fearing grandparents around your children is so important. They, more than anyone, will know what evils they specifically have tried to shun and can encourage their grandchildren to do the same so that they can pass on good tendencies and render the evil tendencies milder in the next generation. We’re taught that “it is Divinely provided that corrupt inclinations may be rectified, and that a capacity for this is also implanted. Resulting from this capacity are an ability and power in people to mend their habits, under the direction of parents and teachers, and afterwards by themselves when they come into their own right and judgment” (Conjugial Love 202:2).

There is a wonderful series of teachings in the Heavenly Doctrine that some grandparents treasure because they point out that the love of a grandparent for their grandchild can actually be greater than that of the parent for the same child. The reason is because the Lord is the source of all parental love and loves all His children infinitely, so He designed the love to become stronger as it descends. This is why we are told that it is “because of this descent of love that parental love is even greater toward grandchildren” (Spiritual Experiences 1683).

A similar concept is described in how the father of a nation, with all the successive families and households that come from him, continues to love them as his children, and “teaches them how they ought to live, bestows benefits upon them, and as far as he is able gives them of his own. And as this love grows as it descends, …therefore the father of the nation acts from a more interior love than the immediate father of the sons himself” (Arcana Coelestia 10184). Recently, I became a grandfather for the first time, and so I was able to gleefully inform my son that I loved his infant son more than he did!

On a practical level, one of the reasons grandparents are so helpful is that they are not tied down to the daily grind of caring for the children, feeding them, changing them, bathing them, and staying up half the night while they are teething. This enables them to have a higher perspective at times, since they are not stuck in the trenches. Sure, grandparents are a great help with these things, but they can also leave and go home since they are not the primary caregivers.

This higher perspective from a source that is removed from the day-to-day bustle can be invaluable. Grandparents often have more time for reflection which enables them to observe their grandchildren and compare what they are going through to what their parents went through as children. Sometimes a grandparent will notice a subtle change in mood of their grandchild and then simply ask them, “How are you doing?” It is amazing how frequently this small reach out from a concerned grandparent can help lead to important conversations about life and the things that really matter.

Another benefit of having grandparents around your children is that it gives you an opportunity to teach them about the importance of respecting their elders. We’re told that an “elder” in the Word represents “the chief characteristics of wisdom” and that “old people” mean “those who are wise” (Arcana Coelestia 6524). Honoring the wise perspectives that can come from the elderly is why the Lord commanded the children of Israel to “rise up before those with gray hairs, and honor the face of the old” (Leviticus 19:32). A proverb from Job appropriately states that “in the old there is wisdom, in length of days intelligence” (Job 12:12).

On the other hand, the Word points out that when people “do not honor the faces of the old” this means that they “account as nothing all things of wisdom” (Apocalypse Explained 412:23). We probably all know children, and maybe even some adults, who are very disrespectful of the elderly. They may mock their failing hearing, or get impatient with their slowness, or just be plain rude to their faces. Hopefully, when you see this kind of poor behavior it makes you cringe a little, because underlying that can often be the fact that they are accounting as nothing the things of wisdom.

This is why having grandparents and other wise adults or guardians around your children is so valuable because you can teach them how to show proper respect. We always made our children address their elders as Mr. or Mrs. So-and-So, never by their first names. We would have them stand up and shake their hand, or give them a hug. We would make sure that they looked them in the eye when they were talking to them and not let them interrupt while their grandparents were talking.

There may be many other ways to show respect as well, but the important thing is that you make a concerted effort to have them honor those superior to them in wisdom and charged with their care. In True Christian Religion 305, it explains the fourth commandment about honoring one’s father and mother, and then broadens it to include guardians, the heads of the country, and to all those who confer benefits to us and care for us.

The wonderful thing about having generations of young and old together is that there is a mutual benefit for all. I can remember my parents insisting that they would never live in an old people’s home or a Seniors’ community unless they absolutely had to, because they wanted to be around children since it helped to keep them young. This proverb captures well the healthy relationship that should exist between generations: “Children’s children are the crown of old men; and the glory of children are their fathers” (Proverbs 17:6). As a parent you can help to facilitate these connections between your children and their grandparents, and everyone will be the better for it.

Our children were fortunate to be raised with four living grandparents, and they each found ways to make meaningful contributions to our children’s lives. My wife Cathy’s father, Roy Stewart, would take the boys out golfing, give them tractor rides, or take them to an airstrip and pay for them to have a flight in a Cessna. Her mother, Murielle, would have our girls over to bake on occasion, and she spent many hours helping our deaf son with speech therapy after he had been given cochlear implants. My parents, Dan and Mim Heinrichs, on two occasions drove all the way from Florida up to Canada and took our kids for three weeks each time so that we could go on vacation and do some pastoral work. The amazing thing through it all were the bonds that formed between them through these interactions.

As a young girl Cathy can remember having tea parties with her Great Grandma, and going to church with her Grandmother. These were small things in one sense, but they had a huge impact on her. I remember fondly going on vacation with my grandparents to Lake Tionesta in Pennsylvania or to Lake Conestoga in Canada. There were usually various uncles, aunts, and cousins along as well. To me, these were idyllic times having such a broad range of ages and family together, and in hindsight I realize that what connected us deeply was a love of the New Church and its teachings. My childhood memory of those times is that it was like heaven on earth!

In a beautiful vision the Lord describes the restoration of Jerusalem at the time of His coming, which is also a description of what life can be like in a New Church community where young and old live, play, work, and worship side by side – a place where wisdom and innocence dwell happily together. “Old men and old women shall again sit in the streets of Jerusalem, each one with his staff in his hand because of great age. The streets of the city shall be full of boys and girls playing in its streets” (Zechariah 8:4-5).

We Should be Thankful to the Lord for the Promise of the New Church

Artwork by Janina Heinrichs

20. Teach Them to Thank the Lord

One final useful parenting practice that can help your children want to remain connected to the New Church is to teach them to be thankful for all the good things that the Lord has done in their lives and the lives of their family. We live in an age where there is a tendency to focus on all the bad things that happen in life, and to be ungrateful despite the many blessings we enjoy – with the exception being once a year at Thanksgiving time.

Giving thanks is something that the Lord Himself modeled for us while on earth. When Jesus was with His disciples and the multitudes were hungry, “He took the seven loaves and gave thanks, broke them and gave them to His disciples” (Mark 8:6). Near the end of His ministry, when He was having His last supper with the disciples, we’re told that “He took the cup, and gave thanks, and…He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them” (Luke 22:17-19).

In the New Church, one of our customs coming from the example the Lord set is to say a blessing at every meal before we eat. Probably the most common one that is said routinely is “Oh, give thanks unto the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy is forever” (Psalm 128:1). Even my one-year-old grandson likes to get in on the action with an enthusiastic “Amen!” at the end. As I have travelled around the world to different New Church congregations, I have found it to be a remarkably unifying blessing that we share. It is amazing that whether it is England, Ghana, South Africa, Canada, or the United States, you can say a blessing in unison as you share a meal together!

The idea of it being useful to give thanks to the Lord has been around since ancient times. “In early times it was customary to say, ‘Blessed be Jehovah’, by which people meant that every blessing, that is, all good, flows from Him. It was also a way of expressing thanks for the Lord’s blessing or having blessed them” (Arcana Coelestia 1096:1). It is valuable for children to get in the habit early of thanking the Lord for everything that He provides. They can thank Him for their food, their parents, their dog, their shoes, the pretty flowers, and so on. This helps to set the stage for the higher concept that not only are all natural blessings from the Lord, but also every spiritual blessing.

The Heavenly Doctrine identifies many spiritual blessings that we should be thankful for. Just to name a few: the Lord’s mercy and judgment, His love and wisdom, the intelligence we receive from His truth, the happiness we receive from His good in our lives, His Divine providence, our abilities and talents, conjugial love, our freedom to choose, His omnipotence, for Him constantly delivering us from evil and providing for our salvation every moment of every day, and for our very existence.

This type of gratefulness to the Lord is captured beautifully in the gospels when Mary and Joseph bring the infant Jesus to the temple, and the just and devout old man Simeon, who had been waiting for the Lord to come, “took Him up in his arms and blessed God and said: ‘Lord, now You are letting Your servant depart in peace, according to Your word; for my eyes have seen Your salvation which You have prepared before the face of all peoples’” (Luke 2:28-31). Simply, we are told that to “bless God” in the Word means “to attribute all blessing to Him, to pray for Him to bless, and to thank Him for blessing” (Apocalypse Revealed 289:2).

The recognition that it is important to thank the Lord on a regular basis for the many blessings He bestows on us is probably why this other blessing from the Psalms is popular at mealtimes: “Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits” (Psalm 103:2). It is interesting that even in the secular realm, studies have shown the benefits of having an “attitude of gratitude.” People who made a daily habit of recounting their blessings, saying “thank you” to others, and being grateful for what they have, were statistically more happy, content, and peaceful.

The studies also note that there is a spike in people’s general sense of satisfaction and wellbeing around Thanksgiving time every year, as people specifically focus on giving thanks. The obvious conclusion they draw is that this can be a daily feeling rather than a once-a-year feeling. The Lord teaches us this in the story of the great prophet Daniel who, despite being in captivity, was still content with his lot and managed to prosper during this time. Note, that even when he was going to be thrown into the den of lions for worshiping Jehovah, he went home “knelt down on his knees three times that day, and prayed and gave thanks before his God” (Daniel 6:10).

Our need to give thanks on a regular basis was one of the main reasons behind the ritual sacrifices that the Children of Israel were commanded to perform. We’re told that the Lord did “not demand those things for His own sake, for the Divine derives no glory at all from a person’s humility, worship, or thanksgiving…. Rather, they are required for man’s own sake, for if someone possesses humility, he is able to accept good from the Lord” (Arcana Coelestia 5957). This is why we are told that the aromas of those types of sacrifice were perceived as “a pleasing aroma…to Jehovah” (Apocalypse Revealed 278).

We see here that one of the benefits of being thankful is that we come into the recognition that all good things come from the Lord, not from our own doing, and this helps to keep us humble. We are told that when a person is in “this acknowledgment he puts aside his proprium, which belongs to the love of self, and opens all things of his mind, and thus gives room for the Divine to flow in with good and with power” (Apocalypse Explained 1210:1). When we take the time to consciously offer to the Lord our humble thanks for His bountiful blessings, He is able to powerfully flow into us with His good and fill us with a sense of joy and peace.

One thing that has really struck me on my travels around the Church to places like South Africa, Cote d’Ivoire, Ghana, Togo, Benin, and Cuba is how the families living there in very meager conditions, sometimes even in poverty, still manage to be happy and content with their lot. I believe part of their secret is that they take every opportunity during the day to thank the Lord for the good things they have received, instead of always focusing on just the difficult challenges they face. As a result, they seem to have a very optimistic outlook and a confidence that the Lord will take care of them and continue to bless them.

I have also noticed that farmers seem to be particularly thankful to the Lord for the blessings He gives them in the form of sunshine, rain, and their eventual harvests. Perhaps it is not surprising since those are elements they have no control over, so they are quick to thank the Lord for the good that clearly only He can provide.

I remember a time in my life around the age of thirty when a woman’s actions caused me to realize that I was not as thankful to the Lord as I should be. She felt that she needed to do a better job of developing an attitude of gratitude, so she made it a point throughout every day to audibly thank the Lord. While she visited us for a few days it went something like this: “Thank you Lord for allowing me to spend this time with my friends. Thank you, Lord, for the beautiful day. Thank you, Lord, for the walk I took. Thank you, Lord, for the meal. Thank you, Lord, for having Brad pass me the salt. Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to do the dishes. Thank you, Lord, for the comfortable bed I am going to sleep in!”

I’ll admit at that time I thought this was a little bit “over the top” and after a while I frankly began to find it annoying. In fact, by the end of her stay I was eager for her to leave! However, once she left, I began to think more and more about whether I was showing appropriate gratitude to the Lord for all the blessings in my life. I came to the stark realization that I really was falling short, so I decided to make a conscientious effort to thank the Lord at the end of every day for all the good that He had bestowed upon me. It definitely made a difference in my life and it caused me to reflect on my upbringing.

One of the things that I had forgotten was how much my parents regularly expressed their gratefulness for being a part of the New Church and for having been exposed to the Heavenly Doctrine the Lord revealed in His Second Coming. This took the form of toasts to the Church whenever we would have company over for dinner and my father would talk about how the Church is what connected us together. Invariably we would follow that with a song, usually “Our Glorious Church” which I still love to sing in our home when we have friends over. (Though currently my father is advocating for changing the name of the song to “His Glorious Church,” lest we inadvertently try to claim ownership of the New Church which rightfully belongs to the Lord.)

I especially remember on June 19th when we celebrated New Church Day how Dad and Mom would set aside the entire day. We would go to a special church service, watch a pageant with scenes played out from the book of Revelation depicting the establishment of the New Church, and then have company over for supper to celebrate. As a child I was merely in awe of the pageantry, but it was the beginning of learning to be thankful for the New Church, which was strengthened by the conversations around the dinner table that followed.

I have noticed that other families who have had some success in having their children choose to stay active in their faith in adulthood, often have placed a big emphasis on celebrating New Church Day and thanking the Lord for His Second Coming. Our Church is unique in celebrating this momentous event, and I think it helps to connect us closely to the heavens where angels celebrate this occasion too!

Swedenborg recounts a time when he was meditating on the Lord’s Second Coming and saw a dazzling beam of light from heaven and then heard a whole of host of angels in a “long series of voices glorifying…the Lord on account of His coming” (True Christian Religion 625:1). They were singing verses from the books of Daniel and Revelation which prophesied about His Second Coming and the descent of the holy city, New Jerusalem. What a beautiful scene, picturing the whole of heaven filled with joy, thanking the Lord for coming and establishing the New Church.

It is useful to share with your children what you are thankful about in the New Church and the teachings which you are particularly grateful for knowing. As they grow up, it will enable them to appreciate what you value and believe, and it will sow the seeds for them reflecting on what they find special about the New Church and the Heavenly Doctrine when they become adults.

For my wife and me, one of the New Church teachings we are so thankful for is the wonderful vision of marriage that the Heavenly Doctrine describes between husband and wife and between the Lord and His church. It is portrayed so beautifully in the scene the apostle John saw while on the Isle of Patmos: “And I, John, saw the holy city New Jerusalem coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband” (Revelation 21:2).

While we live in a world that in many ways seems to have such a distorted view of marriage, we are thankful for the promise in the Heavenly Doctrine where we are told that “following His Advent the Lord will revive conjugial love, such as it was among ancient peoples” (Conjugial Love 81:5). It is interesting that an angel guide told Swedenborg that despite the decline of conjugial love and the worship of God, he was “sustained by the hope that the God of heaven, who is the Lord, will revive this love, because it is possible for it to be revived” (Conjugial Love 78:8).

This spirit of the hope and gratitude for the revival of Conjugial Love is captured wonderfully when the Lord said: “Again there shall be heard in this place…the voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voice of those who will say: ‘Praise the Lord of hosts, for the Lord is good, for His mercy endures forever’” (Jeremiah 33:10-11). Cathy and I regularly tried to express our appreciation to the Lord for these beautiful teachings about marriage and show our children that it was the Lord who should be thanked for our marriage.

There are also many teachings from the Heavenly Doctrine for which I am grateful, and I did my best to convey my gratitude for those teachings to my children. Teachings about how the Doctrines for the New Church demonstrate to us that we must be responsible for our choices, that no one ends up in hell except those people who choose to go there, that anyone who acknowledges the Lord and lives by His commandments can be saved, that the Lord is an all-loving, ever-merciful, and infinitely wise God, that genuine charity involves mercy, judgment, and justice, and that the Lord’s Divine Providence is in the smallest details. These are just a few of the eternal truths that I am thankful to the Lord for revealing in His Second Coming and making known to the New Church.

One particular teaching that stood out to me when I was attending the University of Florida in my early twenties was when Swedenborg was visiting heaven and saw a crystal temple with an open copy of the Word inside with light beaming forth from it. Above the door there was an inscription in Latin which said “Nunc Licet.” The meaning of this was that in the New Church it is “now permitted to enter with understanding into the mysteries of faith” (True Christian Religion 508:3). This is one truth I became so grateful for as I discussed religion night after night with my studio classmates. Things that remained “mysteries of faith” to them were no longer mysteries to me. I could easily find rational explanations in the Heavenly Doctrine that helped me to understand these mysteries and make sense of any paradoxes. The General Church used to have an outreach phrase that said, “The New Church – A Religion that Makes Sense.” This still rings true to me, and I am thankful to be a part of a Church that makes sense out of life.

The last thing that I think is important to get across to your children is how lucky they are to be a part of the last great Church on this planet. We are told that “this New Church is the crown of all the churches that have hitherto existed on the earth, because it is to worship one visible God” who can be pictured like “a man in the air or on the sea spreading forth his hands and inviting to his arms” (True Christian Religion 787).

What an awesome vision of the Lord we are given and what an incredible privilege it is to be a part of the Lord’s New Church and be exposed to the miraculous teachings of the Heavenly Doctrine! We should be extremely grateful to the Lord that He saw fit in His Divine Providence to bring us into contact with His special Church on earth. It is almost like when He had Moses say to the Israelites: “The Lord has chosen you to be a people for Himself, a special treasure above all the peoples who are on the face of the earth” (Deuteronomy 14:2).

We should be humbled and in awe and make sure our children sense the gratitude we have toward the Lord for this great gift. We should remind them that we all have an obligation to obey His voice and keep the covenant He has made with us. The Psalms give an inspiring exhortation for families to come together in a spirit of thankfulness: “Give to the Lord, O families of the peoples, give to the Lord glory and strength. Give to the Lord the glory due His name; bring an offering, and come into His courts. Oh, worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness! (Psalm 96:7-9).

My parents and grandparents did a great job of conveying to me their love and appreciation for the New Church and of the wonderful truths given to us in the Lord’s Second Coming. I never saw them gripe and complain about things they saw that weren’t the way they wanted them to be, but rather I witnessed their overwhelming sense of gratitude to the Lord for giving them an opportunity to be a part of the New Church.

It is a powerful lesson for children to have the chance to thank the Lord alongside their elders and praise Him together for this blessing. The vision of old and young coming together to thank Him is portrayed beautifully in the Psalms. “Praise the Lord from the heavens; praise Him in the heights! ...Praise the Lord from the earth…. Both young men and maidens; old men and children. Let them praise the name of the Lord, for His name alone is exalted; His glory is above the earth and heaven…. Praise the Lord!” (Psalm 148:1-14).

Key Teaching

“The Lord does, it is true, demand humility, worship, thanksgiving, and much else from a person, which seem like repayment, so that His gifts do not seem to be free. But the Lord does not demand those things for His own sake, for the Divine derives no glory at all from a person's humility, worship, or thanksgiving. It is utterly inconceivable that any self-love should exist within the Divine, causing Him to require such actions for His own sake. Rather, they are required for man’s own sake, for if someone possesses humility he is able to accept good from the Lord, since in that case he has been parted from self-love and its evils which stand in the way of his accepting it. Therefore the Lord desires a state of humility in a person for that person’s sake, because the Lord can flow in with heavenly good when that state exists in him.”

Arcana Coelestia 5957

People Around the World Looking to the Lord and Serving Him Together

Artwork by Janina Heinrichs

Closing Thoughts

I think every parent yearns to have their children connected with the Lord, to find fulfillment in the Church, and to be able to share those things with them. Hopefully, if you have made it this far, you have found the teachings from the Lord’s Word inspiring. Maybe some of the concepts that were discussed will give you new energy to get your children excited about your faith, so that together as a family you can “serve the Lord with gladness” and “come before His presence with singing” (Psalm 100:2).

I want to add a word of caution here for parents reading this book who might be inclined to beat themselves up and think that they must not have done all the right things since some of their children may not be actively involved in the Church. The twenty chapters in this book are meant to highlight certain principles and concepts that should increase the chances that a child will, from their own freedom and reason, choose to embrace the Heavenly Doctrine and the New Church. However, you could do all these things, and your child might still choose to reject the values and beliefs that you treasure.

Nevertheless, I think it is safe to say that none of the principles relayed in this book are likely to decrease the chances of children coming to embrace the New Church and its teachings. I would also say that if anything I have said in this book doesn’t ring true for you, just stick with the actual passages from the Lord that were quoted, because those are the only things you can fully trust. I purposefully included all the references in the paragraphs to encourage you to go to the Word for yourself, read more of the context around the passages, and allow for the Lord to speak to you.

I have had some parents, whose children are already grown and gone, lament to me that they wished they had known some of these concepts while they were in the process of raising their children. First, you can’t be responsible for what you didn’t know, and second, you can try to implement some of these ideas as a grandparent or as a mentor to other children you are involved with. You could also take the time to share with your children what you think you did well and what you wish you had done better so that they can learn from your experience.

For those parents who are list makers (my wife is one of them), I have provided a daily checklist at the back of the book which you can photocopy as needed. At the end of the day, simply put a check mark in the box if you applied that concept in your parenting that day. At the end of the week, you can check and see if there are any glaring holes that you missed. If you are more like me and lists aren’t your thing, then simply make mental notes along the way to see if you are making appropriate use of the principles. Obviously, real parenting is not about checking the right number of boxes; it is about being consistent and disciplined with the techniques you choose to use that is important.

One thing that meant a lot to me as a parent was when my father and mother told me that their sincere hope was that Cathy and I would be better parents to our children than they were able to be for me. They then encouraged us to take the parenting ideas they employed which we appreciated and use them and improve on them. And they urged us to get rid of the parenting techniques they used which we thought were not helpful and missed the mark (like taking away a beloved pet)! They said that if every generation does this, then in theory parents should be getting better and better as time goes on. Of course, this will only be true if the parenting techniques being used are ultimately coming from the ideas the Lord presents in His Word. This is what prompted me to collect some of those ideas together in a short book that I hope will serve as a useful summary of concepts which the Lord endorses as being helpful.

My prayer is that this book may be beneficial to you in your parenting (or grandparenting) and that it will help to remind you of the importance of having your children know about the covenant that the Lord makes with each one of them. Remember how the Lord covenanted with the children of Israel repeatedly, and then consistently encourage your children to respond to His calling to be a part of His New Church on earth. May this prophesy from Isaiah come to pass, where it promises: “Many people shall come and say, ‘Come, and let us go up to the mountain of the Lord…. He will teach us His ways, and we shall walk in His paths.’ For out of Zion shall go forth the law, and the word of the Lord from Jerusalem” (Isaiah 2:3).

As more and more people, and especially families, turn to the Lord for inspiration and with a desire to follow Him, there will be more satisfaction and happiness. As each household chooses to serve the Lord together, they will find the peace and contentment that can only come from Him. The Lord paints this beautiful picture for us by teaching that “heavenly conjugial love exists when a man together with his wife, whom he loves most tenderly, and with his children, lives content in the Lord. From this he has in this world an inward pleasantness, and in the other life heavenly joy” (Arcana Coelestia 5051:2).

I am inspired by the vision of many families with young and old from all around the world, who are connected to each other through the New Church and its Heavenly Doctrine, worshiping the Lord together in His Second Coming and serving Him side by side. May we all join together in response to the Lord’s urgent plea to choose this day whom we will serve, by answering in a loud chorus, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!” (Joshua 24:15).

PARENTING CHECKLIST

Days of the Week

Sun.

Mon.

Tues.

Wed.

Thur.

Fri.

Sat.

Weekly

Totals

Concept

1. Load Them up with Remains

2. Help Them Honor the Sabbath

3. Provide Worship / Read the Word

4. Teach the Commandments

5. Instruct About the Covenant

6. Put the Fear of God in Them

7. Educate About Marriage

8. Remind Them of Their History

9. Promote the Affirmative Principle

10. Give Them Clear Choices

11. Help Them Decide What to Be

12. Encourage Realistic Expectations

13. Urge Self Compulsion

14. Fight Beside Them

15. Respect Their Opinion

16. Make Them Work

17. Hold Them Accountable

18. Encourage Perseverance

19. Use the Grandparents

20. Thank the Lord

Daily Totals

22